Rickey's Guide To Gym Membership

As we’ve mentioned before, Rickey has been on a fitness kick recently, and has gleaned many choice tidbits of information from his time spent toiling on various devices of physical punishment. And while we recognize that there’s a dearth of easily accessible “how to” guides on fitness out there, we can guarantee that none of them were written by a guy who responded to the inability to change a flat tire on their car by consuming a large amount of Lucid absinthe and proceeding to spend the evening completely disabling his network router setup (Rickey was only trying to open his NAT settings goddamnit). Call us nuts, but we figure that experiences like that qualify us to write a fair and balanced set of guidelines on the masturbatory realm of self-improvement. Behold Reubensesque readers,

Rickey’s Guide to Gym Membership

Don’t forget to bring a towel. Trust us, forty minutes of cardio will have you perspiring like Nixon during the 1960 Presidential Debate. (As we speak, Rickey’s writing a book arguing that the Vietnam War could’ve been avoided, the Bay of Pigs and Cuban Missile Crisis might never have occurred, and people would still have faith in American government if only Richard Nixon had brought a towel).

Remember to glower whenever possible. Nothing says that you’re taking this workout thing seriously quite like menacingly staring at people as they walk past you. We’re told that the ladies especially like this!

Find an inanimate object to focus on in the men’s locker room. You know how NYC subway riders have perfected the art of staring at ads in the attempt to avoid making eye contact during their commute? Yeah, you’re going to need to master this technique before you even step foot inside the men’s locker room. Without discussing the details (Rickey has seen interminably horrific things that he cares not to talk about) we can tell you that men have no shame, and a shockingly massive amount of man-bush roams free in the men’s locker room.

Make yourself heard. Rickey has noticed that a lot of folks tend to grunt a lot to emphasize the fact that they’re really working their muscles. So we’ve decided to take that practice one step further by emitting a long primal scream whenever starting or completing a set.

Those mirrors they’ve got setup all over the gym? Yeah, those are for you to admire yourself (and others) with. Get used to the idea that you’re paying $70 a month for the privilege of vainly ogling yourself in the mirror.

Avoid sports drinks at all costs. Oh wow, Gatorade has rolled out a new low calorie sports drink! Hey, you know what else has few calories? Water, that’s what.

Look for things to gripe about. Let’s say that your gym has televisions equipped on all the elliptical machines, treadmills, stair masters, etc. Now let’s say that your gym has decided to carry the YES network on these televisions, but not SNY. Is this cause for complaint? You freaking betcha. Will your inability to watch Aaron Heilman give up four runs in the seventh inning earn you a refund of some sort? Doubtful, but it’s worth a shot nonetheless.

Be courteous. If another fitness enthusiast rudely demands to use the abs machine when you’re resting between sets, by all means, allow the busy fellow to do so. But not before kindly informing him that it’s totally cool, because he needs to use the machine more than you do anyway.

If the exercise looks incredibly embarrassing, it’s probably good for you. Rickey has been told many times that in order to ACTIVATE HIS CORE, it is necessary of him to do squats and lunges. But have you seen what some of these people look like while lunging their way across the gym or squatting in the corner? Yeah, there’s a damned good reason Rickey flatly refuses to do these exercises.

Conversely, that nifty looking fitness machine that looks like it was designed by H.R. Geiger probably won’t do wonders to build your muscles. Does this stop Rickey from clambering into it and doing three sets on it daily? No it does not.

After your workout, avoid the urge to consume your net weight in cheese. This is actually a whole of a lot harder than you’d think, but the bottom line is that if you can eat roughly the same amount of food as you were before, you’re on the right track. And whatever you do, don’t plop down on the couch after an arduous workout in your sweaty gym clothes. Your significant other will not be pleased by this.

Finally, remember why you’re going to the gym in the first place: to get really, really high. For those two hours after a grueling workout, Rickey is a happy camper riding high on a crest of endorphins. For those two hours, life is good.

(And then reality sets in when Rickey remembers he’s still without a working internet connection and a decent lugnut wrench).