Monday, April 14, 2008

This Week In Irrelevant Sporting News...

In case you missed it, a Red Sox construction worker had the rather inspired idea of burying a David Ortiz jersey underneath the new Yankee stadium. And being your typical Red Sox fan possessing no idea how jinxes actually work, he buried it under the visitor’s clubhouse rather than the Yankee clubhouse. Smart! By the way, if any of you RwR readers hear news reports about someone claiming to have buried other Sox jerseys underneath various load-bearing pillars of the new Yankee Stadium, well, Rickey don't know nothing about it. Not a thing. No sir, Rickey was out of town when those calls were made. Rickey has alibis.

Anyhow, in a completely surprising move, the normally cool tempered & rational Hank Steinbrenner hastily ordered the shirt excavated at taxpayer expense, complete with live media coverage, in a manner eerily reminiscent of the unearthing of Saddam Hussein from his foxhole. (No word yet on the buried whereabouts of the Yankees’ dignity). So while the nation collectively exhales at the removal of this insidious article of clothing from the hallowed ground of the new Yankee Stadium, Rickey has jotted down a few ideas of his own to help put a permanent hex on the new Yankee Stadium and it’s occupants.

1) Release the Rally Monkey deep within the confines of Yankee stadium. Everyone knows that the Angels are great at giving the Yanks problems, so why not see what their team mascot can do to jinx ‘em? The Yanks must absolutely fear that little simian by now. And best of all, he’s a monkey, so he’ll have no problem evading Yankee security by swinging from electrical cords and hiding inside pipes and whatnot while subsisting on a diet of ballpark franks and beer. You don’t think the Rally Monkey running amok in the bowels of Yankee stadium might mess with the Yankees’ heads just a bit?

2) You know how a few of the more feisty nations in the Middle East have long traditions of public beheadings at soccer stadiums? We’re thinking that something along those lines could be arranged with Yogi Berra before a Yanks game. Would that be too violent? It’s a whole lot better than having to watch “Yogi and a Movie” presenting “Hoosiers” for the eight millionth time on YES, isn’t it? Eh, ok then, since not everyone is on board with the “behead Yogi Berra in public” thing…

3) Roasted Aflac duck night at the stadium it is. (Rickey has to get to Yogi somehow—we suspect that the duck’s the key to the whole operation).

4) Get Alex Rodriguez liquored up on peach schnapps (his favorite!) and introduce him to a large, overly muscular woman. We’re thinking of WWF’s Chyna, but Lynn Conkwright would also do in a pinch--the bottom line is that the dude likes his females suspiciously endowed. The theory here is that much like Samson, A-Rod’s vigor and overall baseball playing abilities would quickly be drained by this Amazonian succubus. Or, conversely, it could make him bat .585 for the rest of the season. There’s really no way of knowing until someone tries this out.

5) Play John Ashcroft’s stirring rendition of “Let The Eagle Soar” during the seventh inning stretch at the new Yankee stadium. Unlike their customary 45 minute rendition of “God Bless America,” this ditty weighs in a mere 2:36, thereby eliminating the longstanding Yankee tradition of icing the opposing teams’ bullpen pitcher. Best of all, Yankee fans get to keep their deluded notions of patriotism, so everything’s still hunky-dory!

6) Petition to have Joe Girardi replaced with Don Mattingly. We know, it’s kind of like the logic behind Rush Limbaugh telling his listeners for vote for Hillary Clinton, but bear with us, because this one might actually work. This is because as far as curses go, “Donnie Baseball” has essentially been the freaking Chupacabra for the Yanks. Take a look at the facts in this Village Voice story:

- Mattingly was drafted to the Yanks in 1979. That year, they finished 4th in their division (a year after winning the World Series).
- From 1980 to 1995, Mattingly remains in the organization and the Yanks don't win the world series.
- Mattingly retires at the end of the 1995 season after a loss in the first round to the Mariners. One year later (1996) the Yankees win the Series.
- In 1997 Mattingly raises the World Series Flag. The Yanks are promptly knocked out in the division series in 1998.
- 2000 – Mattingly has no association with the Yankees. They go on to become W.S. Champions.
- 2001 Mattingly serves as hitting instructor in Spring Training. The Dynasty pretty much ends.
- With Mattingly as Hitting Coach/Bench Coach from 2003-2007, the Yanks get knocked out every year.

Now that, friends, is a legitimate jinx. Don Mattingly for Yanks manager immediately! The coaching decision by Girardi to pitch to Manny Ramirez this past weekend was completely unforgivable!

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10 comments:

Smitty said...

Play John Ashcroft’s stirring rendition of “Let The Eagle Soar” during the seventh inning stretch at the new Yankee stadium.

That one might actually work. Yanks fans will stop showing up to games. Opposing team fans can jeer, especially Sox fans from Blue Liberal Boston.

“Donnie Baseball” has essentially been the freaking Chupacbra for the Yanks.

Damn, damn funny.

Adam said...

too too fucking funny. brilliant in fact.

Evil Carbon said...

Amen.


Global Warming Alarmists Beware... www.EvilCarbon.com

Alex L said...

I dont think theres enough calls for public executions these days. Maybe replace the monkey with Dennis Kucinich, hes oddly scarey and probably laden with curses and hexes by now.

Mike said...

I'm all over the rally monkey idea.

Hell, give the little simian a thunderstick, just to make sure it's doubly effective.

Egan Foote said...

Look at who commented on the Village Voice article back in October. I knew you were going to link to the story before you did. Creepy.

Egan, out!

http://eganfoote.wordpress.com

Rickey Henderson said...

Indeed Egan, quite the coincidence. While writing this post, Rickey did a google search for "Yankee Curse" and that Village Voice article containing your pithy comment just happened to pop up. Small world.

what's a donzer said...

Who among us hasn't pictured A-Rod sipping bellinis in the dugout before? I hear Brigitte Nielsen is off her off the sauce sabbatical thus making her back on the sauce. Maybe she could make the cocktail deliveries if Chynna and Lynn are otherwise occupied.

George said...

This is irrelevant sporting news as it deal with the Yankees, correct?

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