Thursday, April 26, 2007

Rickey Presents: The Carnival of Bauer!

Ah the rites of spring. Daffodils bloom, swallows return home, and “24” teases its rabid fan base with a modicum of believability and legitimacy. To mark this momentous event, Rickey is once again hosting the “Carnival of Bauer.” A quick recap of the day--at 7am Rickey woke up to have the following conversation with Ms. Henderson:

-“You know what today is?”
-(Rickey says nothing)
-“Oh fuck no, not that Carnival of Bauer thing again.”

Indeed! Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 season of “24”! Feel the excitement! Now Rickey has gone on record and stated that this season of “24” has been VERY sub-par. Mediocre at best. But since every utterance of “copy that” or “damnit” that escapes Kiefer Sutherland’s mouth is like black tar heroin for you psychopaths, Rickey will keep his whining to a minimum. (Lest he have a mutiny on his hands).

The newcomer may ask, what exactly is “The Carnival of Bauer?” Well, newbie, each week, “24” fans (read: supreme nutjobs) post articles concerning topics Jack Bauer related and one unwitting blog gets to host the madness. For reasons known only to him and a small monkey named Abe, Rickey thought it would be a terrific idea to once again throw his name in the hat over at Blogs4Bauer to host this week’s carnival. And that’s how we arrived at this very tragic and bewildering point.

Please bear in mind that the observed etiquette at this carnival is no different than any other carnival: keep your children very close at all times, don’t touch or eat anything, and under no circumstances make eye contact with carnival employees. Seriously, it’s for your own damn good. Some of these people appear to believe that they're actually Jack Bauer. Enjoy the craziness that ensues below—Rickey’s going to go outside and shout at traffic.

Kicking things off is Adam, the misbegotten madman who created The Jack Sack. Think the “24” writers have jumped the shark? Please. Adam shows ‘em how it’s done, sending in an updated version of “Brighton Beach Memoirs” starring Godzilla as Eugene. Now that ladies and gentlemen, is how you jump the shark. Compared to this brilliant insanity, the writers of “24” have merely leapt the dolphin. So cheer up, ok?

** [Speaking of “jumping the shark,” one of Rickey’s many claims to fame is that Ms. Henderson’s grandfather taught Henry Winkler how to water ski. Rickey shits you not. And we all know the scene from Happy Days where that “jumping the shark” phrase originated from, right? So really, when you think about it, what’s happening on “24” is all kind of Ms. Henderson’s fault. Woo boy, Rickey is in so much trouble when he gets home tonight…]

With visions dancing in his head involving time travel, Alf, and Liberace, Jwookie, over at Cake of Death somehow manages to crank out a nice write up of this week’s episode. Ya gotta love the ridiculously over the top graphic mocking Al Gore on Jwookie’s blog. Here's a radical idea, how about we elect a leader who actually stands for something more important than just winning or losing? You know, someone who actually cares about climate change? Because Rickey lives in the greater NYC area, and would rather not have the "Day After Tomorrow" climate change scenario of wolves getting loose and attacking people occur, ok? Just sayin'...

Amy Vernon, a blogger for Remote Access ceases threatening to brutally punish her goldfish for their “irrational exuberance” long enough to write in with her thoughts on this week’s ep. Keep up the strong work Amy, Westchester is roughly 12% more snarky now that you’ve got a blog.

Some guy named MrD, whose writings remind Rickey of Fitzgerald (if Fitzgerald was an introverted pyromaniac with an oedipal complex) gives us a surprisingly well thought out commentary on this week’s episode over at Jam Hot. Er, was the “Log Jam!” domain name already taken?

Roci over at Rocinate’s Burdens casts aside an invigorating all-night debate over the pros and cons of urinating only every other day to give us his prediction of what happens on Monday’s episode of “24.” Then Roci undoubtedly heads off to masturbate furiously while fantasizing about Joe McCarthy beating hippies with a shovel. TTFN Roci.

Yanks, creator of Because it’s Sour, takes a break from pondering whether or not it’s an affront to jebus to have a mole shaped like the Virgin Mary removed from his right buttock to give us a look at the major characters in “24.” Funny stuff there my friend. Rickey notices that you’re a Yanks fan however… Um, how’s that working out for you these days? Shame A-Rod can’t pitch, isn’t it?

Steve, over at Magic Lamp, dresses up as a top-hatted industrialist, smears himself with gefilte fish jelly, and quickly scampers to the keyboard to send in a summary of this past week’s episode. Steve’s recap is so crazy and in depth that Rickey began to suspect a kind of genius at work. Nope, after a second glance, it’s still your garden variety crazy.

And that’s it for this week’s Carnival submissions. For further “24” related amusement, check out some funny stuff here and here. Rickey has it on good authority that the folks at these two sites scratch the crazy itch by staying up until 3am eagerly listening to police scanners for reports of octogenarian public indecency.

In conclusion, Rickey would like to once again thank all the miscreants who contributed to this week’s “Carnival of Bauer.” Please excuse all the taunts that Rickey felt necessary to dispense. Remember: despite your rat-like appearance, you carnies are indeed kings among men. Keep up the strong work, and come back and visit often. We'll leave a light on for you and some boiled cabbage in the fridge.

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Adam said...

Rickey, my man-love for you grows by the hour. Bravo, you sick bastard.

yankz said...

Thanks for hosting! As for A-God, I'm sure he could throw better than some of the riffraff the Yanks have thrown out there. Still, it's early, and I'm optimistic about the rest of the season. Too bad they don't play in AA (read: the NL).

Rickey Henderson said...

Hey, hey, not so fast with the NL bashing... Rickey seems to recall NL teams performing well in recent postseasons. Look for interleague games to be less lopsided this year.

Roci said...

...Joe McCarthy beating hippies with a shovel Thanks for that imagery. Will be grinning all day.

avernon said...

threatening to brutally punish her goldfish for their “irrational exuberance”
But that wouldn't be nearly as funny if it actually made any sense, I suppose. :-)

Thanks for hosting. I will try to keep up the snark-factor, I swear. Maybe I can up it to 15 percent!

Rickey Henderson said...

oh it doesn't need to make sense amy... or even be relevant. thats the best part. It's going to be a small miracle if they ever let Rickey host the carnival again.