Wednesday, April 18, 2007

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Enjoy this week's highly topical installment of

RICKEY RECOMMENDS:

Repealing the Second Amendment. Damn right it’s unabashed political opportunism to use the VA tragedy as a podium for arguing that guns be outlawed. And guess what? Unless you’re someone who would rather shoot an animal with a rifle than a camera, it’s the right thing to do. For the record, Rickey is fed up with living in a country of humvee driving militaristic gun nuts.

Developing your own flood emergency plan. Currently, Rickey’s flood emergency plan involves: a miner’s helmet, those floating inflatable arm things for babies, 50 pounds of beef jerky, and muttering “damn the torpedoes” before driving full speed into large puddles in the road. Arguably, there’s room for improvement in Rickey’s current system.

The Riches. Crafty southern grifters stealing a dead family’s identity in an affluent suburban neighborhood? And Eddie Izzard is in it? And Minnie Driver’s enormous head? Why aren’t you already watching this?

Frequenting used book sales. Last weekend Rickey’s local library was selling hardcover books for $2 each. Barnes and Noble eat your heart out. Remember, always get to a used book sale early so you’re not stuck sifting through Tom Clancy or James Patterson’s latest offerings. Being both literate and vaguely Semitic, snagging a hard cover copy of Ishiguro's “Remains of the Day” for a mere $2 made Rickey smile. What a bargain!

Tailgating. It’s manifest destiny in action. Confused? Here’s how it works: thirsting for adventure, you drive to your nearby sports venue (preferably on a day when a sporting event is occurring), get appropriately blitzed on Goldschlagger and Jagermeister, splash on your team face paint, then storm the stadium like you’re goddamned Patton, fandini in hand. What, too insanely militant? Fine, just sip some Coors Light in the parking lot then. Pussy.

Google Homepage. With a gmail account, you too can geek out by setting up your very own homepage customized with all the news and information that interests you. Rickey’s current set up consists of Calvin & Hobbes cartoons, YouTube clips of feral belly dancers, the current weather in Sri Lanka, and a stock ticker scrolling the trading/selling value of soy. It’s like a dashboard for Rickey’s life.

Avoiding making conversation with the Starbucks coffee wenches. Trust us, it’s just a bad idea. Rickey was recently suckered into a 45 second chit chat session with a coffee server who looked like the girl from “The Ring” (no, not Naomi Watts, the one from the well).

Inexplicably hurling pizza at a fellow baseball fan during a baseball game. Never mind the fact that you’re both fans of the same team. Or that interfering with the player actually helped the BoSox. No, it’s Patriots Day, you’ve been drinking since 7am and tossing that slice of pizza just seemed like a good idea at the time. In no way whatsoever is it surprising that this occurred in Boston. To paraphrase: “yah dood, fahck, I got wicked drunk and threw a pizza at this kid dood."

Stumble Upon Toolbar

4 comments:

Toasty Joe said...

I'm with Rickey on the Second Amendment. It's time. Why is the U.S. so stuck in the Dark Ages sometimes?

Adam said...

I'm with Rickey n the Jagermeister! Dude, are you bringing the bottle tomorrow night? PLEASE?!?!

Haley said...

Don't do it, Ricky. You're dealing with a man who will eat handsoap if given the right circumstances...give him jager at your own peril...

Adam said...

Yeah, I do like me some handsoap-- it makes my mouth all bubbly, like a rabid raccoon.