Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Rickey would like to take some time to discuss the automotive wonder that is a 1990 Volvo 740GL sedan with 220,000 miles on it. Granted, this vehicle was pretty much the balls for an entire generation of safety minded suburbanites circa 1990. But now? Now so attractive anymore… So let’s answer some questions you might have about Rickey’s choice of transportation and modern day mechanical marvel.

Does it have cup holders? Nope, evidently cup holding technology wasn’t prevalent in Europe in the early 90’s. Thanks for nothing Lech Walesa.

Is it aerodynamic? Judging by the fact that it’s essentially a rectangle with wheels, I’m going to say no, not really.

Does it run well? No, but it does sound vaguely tank-like coming down the road, inexplicably causing Germans to salute Rickey as he drives by.

Can it transform into an Autobot? Well that would be kind of cool and it’s entirely possible, but with Rickey’s luck it would probably be Bumblebee. Fucking Bumblebee, what a doofus.

Does it at least have power steering and airbags? What and what? Rickey is intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Does it have seat warmers? Oddly enough, yes it does. And that’s the only compliment I can come up with for this automobile.

How’s it doing these days? Um, well it’s kind of in the shop due to the fact that the engine decided it would be fun to start “hemorrhaging oil” as the car mechanic described it.

Who’s to blame? Well Rickey mostly blames the lord. See, there are two things that will always anger the lord and provoke his wrath. The first is drinking profusely on Easter (duh). The second is selecting Jose Reyes over Albert Pujols in a fantasy baseball draft. Rickey, brimming with hubris, decided to do both of these things last week.

Take Rickey’s word for it, just as in “MacBeth,” actions like these will undoubtedly disrupt the natural order of things. Bad shit will happen to you for being so arrogant. Forget a busted automobile, Rickey considers himself lucky that a singularity didn’t occur as a direct result of his chutzpah.

Even more alarming proof that the gods are vindictive beings lies in the weather report for this Wednesday evening. Indeed, it’s snow. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue except for the fact that Wednesday night also happens to be the first Mets game Rickey will be attending this season. So, tomorrow night, if the SNY camera pans in on a disgruntled Mets fan angrily cursing and shaking his fist at the heavens then that’s Rickey. Pleased to meet you.

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13 comments:

Adam said...

Getting drunk on Easter was pretty cool, though, ya gotta admit it. There's nothing better than having bed spins on Easter Sunday at 4PM.

Rickey Henderson said...

Indeed, it was a good time. Rickey regrets nothing, and is making plans to get severely innebraited for Memorial Day. It's the only proper way of honoring our troops.

Sylvana said...

The gods were drinking all the time and Jesus was always passing the bottle around. It's the proper way to celebrate.

Mike said...

Is it aerodynamic? Judging by the fact that it’s essentially a rectangle with wheels, I’m going to say no, not really.

If I were drinking coffee, it'd be on the monitor.

(Thank god it was evening.)

Fine work, Rickster. Now, if I may, let the boychik pose a question: drinking on Easter is a no-no, why exactly?

Rickey Henderson said...

Not sure really... All Rickey knows is that the day commemorates jesus' resurrection and something about god taking jesus to heaven.

So getting properly hammered on this holiest of holy days seems mildly disrespectful, no?

Mike said...

Unless you go with Sylvana's take on things.

(Which would be my suggestion.)

limboman said...

I gave up alcohol for Lent - so heck, yeah, I was drinking on Easter!

Alex said...

You forgot to mention the sunroof with manual crank feature! It's good for letting rainwater into the car and it gives Rickey a good forearm workout.

Rickey Henderson said...

Indeed. Although the crank operated sunroof stopped working years ago, every now and then it lets in a trickle of rainwater to let Rickey know it's still there. Mocking him. Taking the automobile through a car wash is essentially a Greek tragedy.

polliwog said...

Here via the Humor Carnival.

I love my vulva -- I mean VOLVO too!

Linda said...

Here via bobbarama ... I used to have a 1976 Volvo that could probably have kicked your Volvo's tailpipe! It didn't die until the late 90's - now THAT'S a car!

Rickey Henderson said...

Shennanigans Linda.

The Freelance Cynic said...

And what about the gas pedal that has to be verousicly pumped giving Rickey a good workout?