Friday, November 7, 2008

Rickey Recommends

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and pieces of advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy our latest installment of

RICKEY RECOMMENDS

Fruit Smoothies. Yes, we know, you like food that you can chew on but trust us, eventually your body will grow used to this healthy liquid meal. Rickey kicks off his day each and every morning with a smoothie consisting of soy milk, Fage 0% yogurt, a banana, some strawberries, and whey powder. It’s tasty, nutritious, and comes complete with the air of moral superiority that you are being one seriously healthy motherfucker.

Listening to Conservative Talk Radio. Indeed, it’s crazy talk, but 77 WABC and several other Clear Channel affiliates are on the presets on Rickey’s car stereo. Why is this? Part of the reason is because Rickey likes knowing that the other side is up to. Rickey drives home on his way to work, listens to the right wing bloviating, and mentally adds to the list of ways in which he is superior than these people. But the major reason for Rickey dialing in to Rush Limbaugh or Mark Levin is that they’re massively entertaining. Want to know why Air America failed? Liberals aren’t fun to listen to. We’re just not organized enough to put together a coherent program. And while Rickey may disagree with anything uttered over the air on Conservative Talk Radio, they do put on some damned amusing shows.

Volunteering your time to a charitable cause. We know, you’re too busy fretting over your dwindling 401K to do some frivolous charity work, but here’s a newsflash for you Mortimer: the ranks of the genuinely impoverished are growing larger each day. Drop off your clothes at a local Salvation Army, donate some blood, get involved in your local community, whatever it is you choose to do, it makes a difference. And it’s good for you.

Not putting away the BBQ grill just yet. Did our ancient ancestors cease grilling their meats merely because it got chilly outside? Fuck no, they’d carve off a piece of brontosaurus and throw it on the grill even if it was January. Rickey likes grilling well into the fall months—there’s something nice about putting a jacket on and cooking up some brats while warming yourself in front of the red hot coals.

Savoring the sound a large book makes when it’s snapped shut. Satisfying to those who know it’s coming, and yet scary to those who do not.

“Valerie Plame” by the Decemberists. One might argue that the story of a former CIA agent whose cover was blown by a vindictive administration hell-bent on war wouldn’t make for such a great song. And yet, one would be stupifyingly wrong because this catchy new indie single is pretty damned good. We’re not sure about you, but Rickey cannot wait for the new Decemberists album to come out.

“Duke Nukem 3D” for the Xbox 360 Arcade. Hail to the king baby, the all time greatest shooter ever has landed on Rickey’s console of choice, and we’re pleased to inform you that this port comes complete with the cavalcade of violence and politically incorrect material you remember from the original. Ultimately, Duke Nukem 3D is like lying: if you're going to do it, make it so huge that no one will take it seriously. Rickey would argue that if there was less objectification in the game it would be more disgusting; the amount that's in there makes it very clear that this game is not to be taken seriously and is all in jest. If anything, we’re afraid that Duke is going to get a wise-cracking female sidekick in the upcoming sequel, “Duke Nukem Forever,” the perpetual vaporware title from 3-D Realms which has been in development for ten years now and is coming out uh… never.

Avoiding intersections. Because, if there's ever a problem, it's always at a traffic intersection, isn't it? We're all moderately intelligent adults here, right? We can find the side street detours, can't we? Rickey suspects that with a bit of creative navigating we don't even need these goddamned intersections at all.

[Posted at Humor Blogs]

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13 comments:

Mark said...

I heartily endorse the post-summer grilling. I'm out there until the snow covers the bbq! (Usually late January.)

Nooter said...

"pat your dog on the head"

you forgot to recommend "pat your dog on the head"

Haley said...

Oh, you know I love me some Decemberists. Did you hear Colin Meloy interviewed on Fresh Air? It's as if Alan Brinkley started writing songs and swooning about.

Of course the jacksack insists that these are songs for mourning your dead hamster. Pffft...but who's going to listen to a manpurse?

Smitty said...

Try as I might, I just can't get myself to do the conservative talk radio thing. I lack for your sense of humor Rickey. Where you are amused, I just get pissed. It's unhealthy.

George said...

Will Obama have the Decemberists open for him on Inauguration Day? They did a fine job in Portland on the campaign trail.

And if you don't have it, Meloy's solo live CD is worth picking up.

Sully Sullivan said...

Hey Rickey long time no see.

Shakes/smoothies are awesome but I'm so lazy to wash the blender EVERY day. Maybe it's juts my blender but that son of a bitch is hard to clean.

Jayson Cole said...

If anyone is looking for a 2nd opinion...I approve all of this as well. Highfive!

Rickey Henderson said...

Haley: well, listening to the Decemberists may not be as much of a richly rewarding experience as attending, say, an AC/DC concert (ahem) but they're a damned fine band in Rickey's book.

Thanks for the heads up on Colin Meloy--Rickey wasn't even aware he had made a solo album.

Smitty: these days, you really have to take pleasure in the agony of others to enjoy listening to conservative radio. Take Rickey's advice, listening to the callers whine "how could this happen in my sweet beautiful America?!" is pretty damned funny stuff.

Alex L said...

Smitty- I have to agree Rickey, even if you dont find it funny its just nice to get angry sometimes. Oh yeah fruit smoothies kick arse!!!

Jeff said...

I'm assuming Palin told you the story about her ancestors throwing brontosaurus on the grill. She's the only one I know of who thinks there were people around during that time.

Bob said...

She's the only one I know of who thinks there were people around during that time.

Oh, I have known a few. Some were just uneducated and some were whacky fundies. I also knew a guy who did not believe that dinosaurs ever existed becuase it didn't actually say it in the bible.

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Great post.
I love the Decemberists. "Yankee Bayonet" has to be the best rock/pop song ever about the Civil War. Well, perhaps a close second the "The Night They Drove Ol' Dixie Down".

But definitely top two.

Anonymous said...

Clear Channel does not own WABC. Nor would it be considered an "affiliate" if it did.

I'm with you on the fruit smoothies though.