Thursday, November 13, 2008

Dr. Henderson, or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Read the Prescription Label

In this helpful column, Rickey will draw upon his vast medical knowledge to answer readers’ questions on a variety of health issues. And while this medical knowledge consists primarily of being engaged to a registered nurse and occasionally watching the network drama “House,” Rickey nonetheless feels supremely confident that he can properly diagnose whatever queries you might throw at him. So cast aside any wariness you might have, because Rickey is board-certified in midichlorian analysis as well as a practicing medieval barber (let’s see that impotent little punk Sanjay Gupta make that claim). And now, onward to the questions!

1) Rickey, are you actually a real doctor? Sean, NM

As the good folks at the Isla Health Clinic in Guam, and on the Craigslist message boards can all attest to, fuck yes. And it’s Dr. Henderson to you, douchebag.

2) Doctor, I’m experiencing a slight tingling sensation in my left thumb. What’s your prognosis? Jill, CA

That could be anything really. Feel free to check out WebMD. They’ll be perfectly happy to diagnose you with Lupus no matter what your symptoms may be.

3) Doctor, I’m suffering from joint pain, red rashes, chest pain, and an unusual loss of hair. What’s wrong with me? Robert, NV

Uh, that actually is Lupus. Go get that checked out, pronto.

4) Dr. Henderson, I just sat down and opened my 401K statement. Perhaps you could help me pick out scalpel with which I can remove my eyes. Martin, NY

For this task, Dr. Henderson recommends a scalpel blade #10 with a curved cutting edge and flat back. It’s the ideal implement for the job, and it won’t drain your bank account.

5) Dr. Henderson, I’m considering stopping by your clinic for a check up, but am wondering what kind of music you play in your waiting room? Betty, NJ

Excellent question, as proper aural ambiance is an integral component of any reputable medical office. To ensure an air of professionalism, Dr. Henderson keeps Georgia Satellite's classic song “Keep Your Hands to Yourself” on constant loop.

6) Dr. Henderson, what’s with all this talk of Tony Romo making a "speedy recovery"? I'm worried that this might counteract the power of my voodoo doll. Brad J., TX

Fret not, Brad. Tony Romo will suffer a setback of botched surgery following a thorough but ultimately unsuccessful search for his scrotum.

7) Dr. Henderson, what kind of medical provisions do you recommend that I keep on hand in my house? Meredith, OH

Many doctors will tell you that a basic first aid kid consisting of band aids, gauze, and antiseptic lotion is the way to go. However, Dr. Henderson recommends that you skip all the hypochondriac worrying and just stock your kit with a bottle of bourbon and a gag springy snake toy to jump out at you when you open the kit. Hurt? Surprise, here’s a snake! And some booze to numb the pain!

8) Dr. Henderson, I’m currently in mild labor and wanted to hop on a plane and swing by your office and give birth once I finish up this important speech on the vast spiritual benefits of natural gas pipelines. Are you free this afternoon? Anonymous, AK

For the last time Governor Palin, no.

9) Dr. Henderson, I’m stuck in a boring job, upset with the world, realizing that I might not become a movie star, and generally fed up with my life. My sense of disillusionment with the world has been piqued, and my color palette is trending toward blue. What ails me? Brian, TN

Sounds to Dr. Henderson like you're suffering from acute ennui. To cure your affliction, Dr. Henderson invites you to join him on a journey. You’ll visit distant and dangerous places, weep with people you’ve never met and learn things you never expected. All you need is a set of ears and your imagination. Either that, or just start listening to the “This American Life” podcast. There’s some damned riveting stuff there.

10) Dr. Henderson, my prescription medicine costs are skyrocketing and I can no longer afford my pills. What should I do? Wilma, FL

Have no fear, Dr. Henderson knows a guy who will provide you with your Rx needs, no questions asked. You might question the reputation of this fellow, but look, if you can't trust a guy under a bridge with a satchel and a willingness to dole out medical supplies, who can you trust?

11) Dr. Henderson, are you perchance, Jewish? Oy, doctor, have I got a daughter for you! Ruth, CT

Rickey thanks you madam, but the good doctor is happily engaged.

[posted at Humor Blogs]

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8 comments:

Haley said...

If Rickey had a prescription pad and a loose attitude toward pain killers, he'd be my new best friend.

Adam said...

Woah! Woah! Woah!

Baby needs some candy? All you gots to do is ask!

Sam from Peoria said...

Dr. Henderson-

My wife and I enjoy a little freaky-freaky, but I think our sex might have gotten a little too rough.

My nipples are raw from the clamps and the skin on my testicles is dry and burnt from the electrodes.

Should we cool our jets, or can you recommend some cream or other medication?

Dr. Tundra said...

Dr. Henderson,

As a member of the AMA, I am shocked, SHOCKED, that you not once prescribed a peyote enema. It is most efficacious.

I have suggested the Professional Standards Board review your license.

Also, do you have any peyote I could borrow?

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

All of that, and no mention of the Scandinavian drooling death?

Quack.

David said...

>>>Doctor, I’m experiencing a slight tingling sensation in my left thumb.

No matter what WebMD might tell you, that is clearly a case of Hyper-Wankerism.

Anyone who fails to diagnose that is clearly a quack.

Diesel said...

Funny stuff, dude.

loosecannon said...

Wow. We have a lot in common. Your waiting room is exactly the same as my bedroom. I also play "Keep Your Hands To Yourself" on repeat except I do it for ironic purposes.

What can I say, I'm a demented fuck.