Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Farewell, Whiskers of Glory

For those of you keeping count at home, three hundred and forty eight days ago, Rickey suffered from a complete break with accepted societal norms and opted to grow a beard. And having nothing else to do, you the reader have presumably invested your time and attention in following us as we embarked upon this wondrous adventure. For eight thousand three hundred and forty two hours, Rickey enjoyed a full palate of facial hair that was nicely trimmed, edgy, yet mature. And it with great sadness that we must now report that our long and arduous journey has now come to an end. Indeed, as Ms. Henderson reported earlier, this past weekend, the beard was shorn, the badger hair shaving brush was dusted off, a razor was employed, and Rickey’s face is now once again as smooth as an infant’s bottom. We're back exactly where we were roughly one year ago, and what a long strange trip it’s been.

Because we feel we owe a full disclosure on the history of Rickey’s facial hair to our readers, let’s take a brief trip down memory lane. We first introduced the beard growing venture with this post, Rickey later fancied himself a modern day Ernest Shackleton in his quest for scraggly dominance, we delved into an in depth examination of the varying types of beards here, we further discussed the matter of beards here and here, and finally, Rickey realized that none of you gave a damn about Rickey’s beard and ceased blogging about it altogether. But until Sunday, the beard had never really gone away. It flourished and served as an outward indication to the world of Rickey’s unbridled awesomeness, a clear signal that Rickey was not a man to be trifled with. There is without any doubt, great advantage to letting one’s facial follicles run riot: having a beard decries an air of “getting it done.” In short, when you see a man with a beard, he’s doing better otherwise than he should be doing.

Why shave it off then? Well, one factor was a recent heat wave which made the beard rather unbearable and far itchier than usual. Also, Rickey grew weary of being eyed suspiciously when he ventured out in public (apparently one side effect of having a beard is that it tends to remind people of very bad things that happened to them). But the main reason for the shaving was change. Always mindful of the adage about the rolling stone gathering no moss, Rickey felt like altering something and the beard was an obvious candidate. Sure, we could’ve blogged about Rickey’s recent monumental decision to clip his toenails, but that wouldn’t have been anywhere nearly as entertaining, now would it?

But now we are somewhat stricken with remorse. So you’ll have to pardon Rickey if he’s feeling a bit like a modern day Samson, but at the moment, things seem most definitely askew without his formerly grizzled visage. Rickey is struck by how mundane, commonplace and generally white bread beardless life has been thus far, because let's be honest now: nothing says "why yes good sir, I am legally bonded" quite like a clean shaven face. Ah well, perhaps a rugged Christmas beard will be experimented with in the snowy months. So all together now, let’s sing along with Rickey, as he wistfully recites “Requiem for a Beard” (which just so happens to share the same exact lyrics as a Jim Morrison song):

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end


*sniff* [posted at Humor Blogs] *sniff*

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21 comments:

Mike said...

There's a certain irony to the fact that as the Mets players are now permitted to sport facial hair, former Met leadoff man (and notable clubhouse card player) Rickey decides to lose his.

Ever the contrarian.

Toasty Joe said...

I vote for RIckey to grow back the beard in the form of one of those chin-strap "line-beards" I love so much,

Rickey Henderson said...

But isn't the line beard intended primarily for overweight men to seperate their first chin from their second? One thing is for certain: the beard will most definitely be returning. Upon shaving it off Rickey said to himself: "I immediately regret this decision."

Ed the Gent said...

Thanks for the comment. Notice that it's the "Mariano Rivera View" and not the "Duaner Sanchez View." Yes, I am still in disbelief about last night (would it bloody kill Santana to pitch a complete game?)

Congrats on the shave. You will find that not having a beard in this sweltering heat will be a relief. You can always grow back an autumn-time beard, a beard-competition beard, a playoff beard (looking unlikely in the Mets case.)

sinisterdan said...

I've had a beard of one form or another for about 15 years.

I feel diminished somehow...

Ray said...

Hey now, I'm not overweight and only have a single chin, but I sport the chinstrap beard. It stays trimmed down into a point on my chin - my co-workers informed me they think I look like the devil (even more now). Secretly - I enjoy the comparison to the dark overlord of hell, which I imagine to be not much different from the cubicle environment I spend of majority of my "awake time" in.

I no longer find it difficult to suggest changes and alterations to marketing collateral with my menacing devil beard. Yes indeed, my job has become much easier since I have assumed the role of "scary devil marketing manager guy"....and I owe it all to my beard.

All hail the mighty beard and its power of persuasion!!!

David said...

Methinks thatpPerhaps the next time Rickey is in the mood for a change, he should just get his pubes waxed.

That should satisfy your hair changing needs for a while.

George said...

Two words: mutton chops!

Adam said...

Don't worry, buddy. Your inner-beard is still full and luxurious. And no woman, no social trend, no law can shave the hair on your heart.

(Okay, I've grossed out myself).

The Hypocritical One said...

As long as Rickey doesn't drive a van with no windows, the beard is OK to stay.

Smitty said...

Two words: mutton chops!

Allow me to second that motion.

Rickey Henderson said...

You people really want the mutton chops, eh? Perhaps Rickey will see what he can do...

Ed the Gent: Indeed, the "Duaner Sanchez" view is a freaking riot, second only to the "Billy Wagner View" (that's when you feign sickness in an effort back out of the date altogether).

David: how Rickey grooms his nether region is none of your damned business, thank you very much.

Ray: Rickey's always associated the chin strap with a certain breed of person who for lack of a better description we'd refer to as Red Sox fans. Not sure why, but there you go.

Adam: Estelle Getty dug the beard, that's for damned sure.

Hypocritical One: no van, no worries. Rickey's a strictly Saab guy.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

ooh - phh! What about that George Michael 80s 3-day scruff look? You know, without the park-bathroom-BJ thing.

damon said...

Where will the spiders live?
No one ever thinks of the spiders.

Rickey Henderson said...

Nanny: the three day scruff will totally be employed on the weekends.

Damon: true story, at an outdoor wedding last September, when Rickey's beard was rather unkempt a spider actually did crawl into Rickey's beard, thus terrifying everyone sitting at the table with Rickey. It was a crowing moment for beards everywhere.

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

I feel like we should petition for a national day of mourning.

muskrat said...

the air force won't let me grow a beard, so i'm jealous that you got to for a bit.

this is why i'm told i sometimes say such things in my sleep as "fuck the air force," per the mrs.

Rickey Henderson said...

Why, would the beard follicles interfere with your instrumentation panel or something? Since he started wacthing "Generation Kill" on HBO and saw all the moooostache hilarity break loose on that show, Rickey has been fascinated by the grooming standard in the armed services. Wouldn't the military want a group of intimidating bearded crazies looking like the "300" dudes marching off to war?

Richard McLaughlin said...

nice post, I stumbled it.

I also posted a link to it in my blog carnival.

Keep up the good work, cheers

headbang8 said...

Lt me be a voice of dissent, Rickey. The beard had to go. Or the full beard, in any case.

Judging by the photos, you had a little problem with the moustache.

Your naturally thin upper lip makes you look intelligent and sophisticated. Emphasizes mankind's distance from the ape, I guess. But it makes for a very poor canvas on which to grow hair. That bit really had to go.

Your hair tends to grow more lush on the underside of the chin, and not so much on the cheek. I have the same problem. And your soul patch is a thin one. Put these two together, and it kinda makes the beard look like a ruffle under your head.

I suggest a Shaggy from Scooby-Doo style goatee. It would suit you. Don't do a chin strap. They're prissy.

This is not a criticism of your beard, or your manhood. Just some helpful advice from a fellow who's been through the glamour and heartbreak of beardsmanship.

Virilitas said...

Ricky, I just linked to this article in my blog post, My Buddy: My Beard.