Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Beard Watch 2007 Update

Welcome to Day Five of “Beard Watch 2007.” As you can see from the picture above, it has been five days since Rickey has shaved last, and so far, he’s quite pleased with the results.

Now, the casual observer might wonder why someone would bother to grow a beard in the first place. This is an excellent question. And one which Rickey doesn’t have an answer to yet. We suspect this decision has something to do with a desire to appear like someone who’s been “there” and seen things--a worldly man, if you will. The kind of man who sits cross-legged in front of a campfire, in the nude, eating a raw snake that he’s just killed with his bare hands. Look, every man has a dream, and this is Rickey’s (except for the snake-eating part… that’s just odd).

So after running this decision by a skeptical and increasingly alarmed Ms. Henderson, Rickey got the green light for this endeavor.

The current game plan calls for a long sustained period of beard growth, until it becomes necessary for Rickey to purchase a beard trimmer. At which point, Rickey will register his beard with The National Beard Registry and then experiment with new and exciting styles in men’s beard fashion. Rickey will keep the beard for a period of time until he grows weary of it, at which point this exercise will culminate in the removal of the beard, leaving only an awesome handlebar mustache, or possibly goatee. As you can tell, Rickey has given this quite a bit of thought.

It’s the getting there that will prove to be the hard part. A long and windy road of itchiness lies ahead. And sadly, there have been significant setbacks already. Much to his sadness, Rickey quickly realized that his chin dimple will be obscured by the beard. For someone who prides himself on possessing truly a magnificent dimple, this was indeed a shocking revelation that briefly cast the entire endeavor in doubt. Nonetheless, progress marches on, and perhaps Rickey will find a way to trim his beard which would allow for the dimple to appear more pronounced in comparison with the rest of the beard. We’re pretty much making this up as we go.

For emotional support on this difficult journey, Rickey will be checking in with the folks at “The Beard Team USA Blog.” This is a site that as far as we’ve been able to tell, is written without any trace of irony whatsoever. Here’s a sampling: “If Beard Team USA is to succeed in its quest to make the USA a power in international facial hair competitions, it is now time to analyze the situation carefully, consider all points of view, and plan the way forward. It may be a bit of an exaggeration to say that the situation is grave and deteriorating, but at least one thing is clear: Staying the course will not lead to victory.”

Woo boy, now that’s some truly intense beardspeak. And best of all, it’s written by folks that Rickey would never dare leave small children unattended with.

Anyhow, rest assured dear reader, we’ll keep you posted weekly with photos of how things are progressing. Because we feel that your day really isn’t complete without real-time updates on Rickey’s ongoing quest to grow a beard. It’s about damn time someone put the internet to good use.

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26 comments:

Adam said...

You will probably take up pipe-smoking next, right?

Sorry, I had to abandon my three-day beard-quest this AM because I realized I had a client coming to the office for the entire day and I had to "clean-up" as it were. Perhaps starting tomorrow, I will rejoin this journey into itchy bliss. Perhaps...

Alex said...

Midlife crisis already?

Mr Furious said...

I've been toying with the idea of letting the old chin beard grow to Youkilisian bushiness or not. I tend to trim it down every week or two to a 1/4", but I'm letting it run wild currently...

Rickey Henderson said...

Consider the gauntlet thrown down Adam.

The hell with you Alex: Rickey's going full steam ahead. You know who didn't have a beard? Hitler, that's who. Fucking Hitler.

Toasty Joe said...

Thanks for the great view up Rickey's nostril. It's good to see there aren't any beards growing outta THERE.

Adam said...

What say Ms. Henderson?

Rickey Henderson said...

Ms. Henderson realized long ago that she's dating a jackass and has accepted this fact.

Her "unavailability" to help Rickey take photos of his beard was the cause of that candid nostril shot. It's pretty hard taking up close photos of one's face...

RJ said...

I find once the scratchy/burning phase passes, the glories of having a beard will grip your very soul.

You startle children, people your age will believe you to be mysterious, and nothing beats that slight nod you will get from anyone else daring enough to sport a beard.

It's the superficial equivalent of joining the Freemasons.

Toasty Joe said...

Just wait until Rickey spots that first patch of gray coming into his beard. Being 33 years old is a tough, tough road to hoe, my friend.

Smitty said...

Rickey:

It appears that while your motivations may be pure, you may be unintentionally incorporated into this weird beard cult.

Sort of like people who voted Republican a few years ago.

mr. met said...

Stay strong Rickey. Mr. Met recently grew a beard was asked the very same question alex posed. "Mid-life crisis"?

Be prepared for the "hey Grizzly Adams" comments but it is imperative you stay resolute.

Is it our fault not everyone is on the forefront of facial fashions? Fuck no. Fuck that. Let the beard revolution truck on!

adspar said...

You might want to consult my world-famous guide to beard growing. May Zeus guide you on your quest.

AmyV said...

I am _so_ looking forward to the handlebar mustache.

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