Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Jumping the Shark, Marital Style: Finally, the Anna Benson Debacle Has Been Eclipsed

Quoth the papers: Cynthia Rodriguez filed for divorce today, pinning her pinstriped husband Alex as and adulterer who bedded a bevy of babes. Their marriage "is irretrievably broken because of the husband's extra marital affairs and other marital misconduct," C-Rod blasts in the divorce papers, filed in Miami-Dade County, where the couple owns a $12 million waterfront mansion. -The NY Post, July 7, 2008.





For her Petition for Dissolution of Marriage, the Petitioner states:

ACTION FOR DISSOLUTION: This is an action for dissolution of marriage which is being filed only after the Petitioner has exhausted every effort to salvage the marriage of the parties. With his lengthy list of infidelities, Mr. Rodriguez has demonstrated a fundamental unwillingness to continue the marriage. Hopefully things will work out with Madonna. We hear she’s a very nice and respectable girl.

IRRETRIEVABLY BROKEN: The marriage of the parties is irretrievably broken due to Mr. Rodriguez’s extra marital affairs which consist of but are not limited to: recent marital infidelity involving famed pop star Madonna, a one night tryst in a hotel room with a muscular she-male, a weekend getaway on Fire Island with Derek Jeter, a lurid dinner and a movie with Yogi Berra, and an encounter with a goat that for the sake of common decency, we are reluctant to disclose. On all of these occasions, Mr. Rodriguez has made it to “first base” which is a good deal more than we can say for his performance in October. Hiyoooo!!! Sorry, we’re divorce lawyers with lousy senses of humor. We’ll show ourselves out…

LIFE AND MEDICAL INSURANCE: Mr. Rodriguez has and is capable of maintaining life and medical insurance for the benefit of his wife and children. Mr. Rodriguez should be required to continue to maintain that or comparable insurance. Insurance benefits shall include the inevitable therapy sessions for the children when their father suddenly starts talking with a British accent and walks to the plate with “Cherish” playing on the Yankee Stadium P.A. system. Additional medical benefits funding shall be allocated to treat the cold sores incurred by Cynthia Rodriguez’s current relationship with Lenny Kravtiz.

STANDARD OF LIVING: Mr. Rodriguez is a prominent athlete and has, due to his incredible earning power, provided the parties and their children with an exceedingly lavish lifestyle. Mr. Rodriguez has the fiscal capacity to continue his high style of living, but his wife does not. Mr. Rodriguez is perfectly free to continue dropping golf pencils into mineshafts, but he must continue to financially provide for Mrs. Rodriguez and her children while doing so.

ALIMONY: Mrs. Rodriguez needs and is entitled to temporary, rehabilitative, permanent, periodic and lump sum alimony, and Mr. Rodriguez is well able to pay all forms of alimony. Assuming that Madonna doesn’t have the same effect on Mr. Rodriguez’s career that she did on Guy Richie’s, he should continue to remain on firm financial ground and be able to make alimony payments. To ensure the continuation of alimony payments, it would however be wise for Mr. Rodriguez to say no when Hank Steinbrenner offers to buy him flying lessons.

CHILD SUPPORT: The children require temporary and permanent support from Mr. Rodriguez, which he has the ability to pay. The lifestyle and background of the parties and children is such that Mr. Rodriguez should provide all necessary funds needed to maintain the existing lifestyle of the children. This lifestyle shall include a home tutor to help explain why their father thought it was a bright idea to swat the ball from Bronson Arroyo’s glove in the 2004 ALCS.
EQUITABLE DISTRIBUTION: Mrs. Rodriguez is entitled to an equitable distribution of all assets acquired during the marriage, pursuant to Section 63.056, New York Statues. These assets shall include but are not limited to: one “Sailor Moon” DVD box set, three dozen sequined shirts, and one crimping iron. All revenue generated from the upcoming Lifetime Original movie starring Jennifer Lopez as Cynthia Rodriguez and Queen Latifah as Juanita Jordan shall be the sole properly of Mrs. Rodriguez.

DEBT: The parties have incurred certain debts, which Mr. Rodriguez shall be required to discharge. These should include but will not be limited to: car payments, credit card bills, and Blockbuster late fees for one overdue copy of “Pricilla, Queen of the Desert.” All grounds keeping costs incurred by causing Joe DiMaggio to roll over in his grave shall be the sole responsibility of Mr. Rodriguez.

ATTORNEYS’ FEES, SUIT MONIES, AND COSTS: Mrs. Rodriguez has obligated herself to pay reasonable attorneys’ fees (hey, we gotta eat too, you know?), suits monies, and costs to her attorneys and other professionals in this action and asks for a judgment against Mr. Rodriguez for a sum considered to be a reasonable fee for those services. Additionally, Mr. Rodriguez shall incur the great cultural debt caused by making Lenny Kravitz relevant again.

DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS: We are requesting that divorce proceedings be scheduled for Monday, September 29th, one day after the 2008 baseball season ends for the New York Yankees. Again, have fun with that Madonna thing Mr. Rodriguez. We understand that Kabbalah is firmly against participating in the Home Run Derby.

[Posted at Humor Blogs]

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Deb said...

Can the pendente lite Motion be far behind?

So glad Rickey emphasized the Lenny Kravitz thing. As I said on my blog the other day, I find it quite amusing and ironic that Cynthia, while in Paris with Lenny, points the finger of infedelity at A-Rod. Glad Rickey also picked up on that, because I think that very fine point was missed in most of the coverage, the press so looking to vilify A-Rod any chance or semi-chance they get. Not that he doesn't deserve it, of course...

The only thing I'm seriously wondering is what T shirt Cynthia might choose to wear to court. LOL

Smitty said...

Will the judge maybe throw this petition out because....it's Lenny Kravitz for God's sake??

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Deb said...

Hey, Rickey, just a heads up... did Rickey see that Jason Giambi has taken to referring to hisself as "The Big G?" As in "The Big G really wants to participate in the home run hitting contest."

Looks like Rickey has some third-person competition in The Big G... stay tuned!

Toasty Joe said...

"a lurid dinner and a movie with Yogi Berra..."

Man. The mental images from that one are just flooding in...

Meg said...

I kind of like it when a guy goes for an older woman. It's even more of a plus if he adopts the British accent.

George said...

I sort of wish that Joe Torre was still the Yankees manager. I think he'd be great in the Danny Aiello role if Madonna re-recorded "Papa Don't Preach."

Ed in Westchester said...

" Mr. Rodriguez is perfectly free to continue dropping golf pencils into mineshafts, "


Good stuff.

Though Lenny Kravitz is ALWAYS relevant.

Dude is good.

The Post says Lenny is pissed about being linked to Cynthia. She ain't hot enough for Lenny.

Anonymous said...

Witch Madonna Destroys Alex Rodriguez's Marriage

A-Rod Exhibiting Symptoms Of Mind Control, Brainwashing And The Stockholm Syndrome - Fired Everyone From His Manager To Trainer, Replacing Them With Kabbalah People