Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Rickey’s Tuesday Dispatch: Soaring High on the Wings of Nonexistent Inspiration

*We’ve been waiting a while to use this image and today seemed like as good a time as any. Below follow the assorted thoughts and musings from a profoundly shallow mind…

Driving back from his fishing expedition this past weekend, Rickey had the distinct pleasure of driving through a portion of New Jersey and it occurred to Rickey that some of the names for the towns in the Garden State absolutely could stand to be improved. Hackensack? Mahwah? Tewksbury? It's a rare place that sounds like it smells, but hats off to Jersey for nailing it every time. Look, we can't all live in Celebration or Winter Haven, but at least Florida manages to at least pretend that it's something other than God's Waiting Room, right?

Since we’re on the subject of the Sunshine State, in our ongoing examination of all things fucked up in Florida, Rickey flabbergastedly presents the story of Mike Meehan, a businessman who paid for a billboard showing a burning WTC with the phrase “Please Don’t Vote for a Democrat.” And we wonder, is the political discourse in this country past the point of irreparable harm? Are we just too dumb and shrill to have an intelligent conversation concerning the presidential election? There’s no punch line there, just a whole lot of concern on Rickey’s part regarding where the nation is headed.

In a stunning misappropriation of tuition dollars, Cambridge College has hired a former FBI investigator to find the authors of an anonymous mock newspaper that condemned the chancellor and suggested the college is on the verge of closing. And as if the Dumbledore’s Army parallels weren’t strong enough, the FBI investigator even looks like Dolores Umbridge from the Harry Potter books (sigh, yes, Rickey has read them). Best of luck with the hunt wench, because as we all know, college is no place for the active and vibrant exchange of ideas. Hey, when did having zero intellectual curiosity about the world--and a corresponding sneering contempt for those who have any--become a positive character trait instead of a flashing warning signal that this person is a stubborn dummy? Oh--right.

Always on the forefront of hard hitting news, MSNBC has posted an in depth article discussing who could be the next Batman villain in the next installment in the franchise. (Rickey’s vote goes for Larry David as Mr. Freeze). Having not seen the movie yet, Rickey is unsure whether all this talk for a posthumous Oscar for Heath Ledger’s performance in “The Dark Knight” is justified or not, but we will say this much: any film that’s drawing critical comparisons to “Heat,” “Godfather Part II,” “Empire,” and “The Untouchables” most definitely has piqued our interest and pried open our wallets. We’ll weigh in on the film with a full fledged review once Rickey beholds it in all its dark ominous glory.

For those not on the wagon, “Generation Kill,” David Simon’s new television drama about the 2003 invasion of Iraq, is now required summer viewing. It’s a stunning depiction of how today’s modern soldier is a completely different creature from what we’ve seen in previous wars. The real life characters in this show certainly don’t conform with the conventional Fox News image of soldiers: they’re profane, eclectic, resentful of incompetence, and ultimately noble. Just as he did in “The Wire,” Simon brings a no nonsense treatment to the subject matter: there’s no clean cut by the book plot, no background music, and no warm and fuzzy morals. Just the real deal, which unfortunately includes a woefully underprepared Marine battalion rolling into Iraq without maps or armor for their Humvees. With all the space age high tech military equipment you’ll read about in a Tom Clancy novel, it’s important to remember that war is still war and this show doesn’t pull and punches in demonstrating that. Highly recommended.

Rounding out our ever widening list of “Things Rickey Doesn’t Give a Flying Fuck About” is tonight’s All-Star Game. Sorry, but despite MLB’s attempt to make the game relevant by having the AL and NL play for home field advantage at the World Series, the game is still categorically meaningless. As long as both teams continue to be petrified of injuries and refuse to play an earnest baseball game, this contest will never amount to a hill of beans. In baseball as in life, in order for something to count, genuine effort must be put into the endeavor. What makes the All-Star game even more unwatchable is that National League “small ball” tactics are rarely used due to fear of injuries, while American League mindless slugging is the norm. And it’s no wonder why the AL has won this bullshit game year after year… And of course there’s the greatest injustice of all: the possibility of the All-Star break icing the Mets’ current white hot winning streak.

Finally, courtesy of Daily Stab, Rickey has stumbled upon quite possibly the greatest moment in sports heckling history: Hot damn, the look on that kid’s face when A-Rod turns around is just priceless.

[Posted at Humor-Blogs]

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12 comments:

April said...

that's f'ing hysterical!

Mike said...

What network is Generation Kill on? HBO?

Rickey Henderson said...

Yep, it's HBO. But you can probably find it streaming on Surf the Channel.

Toasty Joe said...

Can't believe you forgot the all time best NJ town name: Metuchen.

The great George Carlin once did a bit about the names of the towns and counties in the Garden State, and how so many of them revolved around sex: Essex County, Sussex County, Fort Dix. I can't remember any more.

Alex said...

I live in Orange County, Florida and that billboard is ridiculous. It doesn't accurately describe people's political opinions here. Yet another public shaming for Orlando...

Rickey Henderson said...

If you get a chance, email Rickey a picture of the billboard. Rickey has an idea for improving upon it (and no, it doesn't involve the juxtaposition of a lolcat).

Smitty said...

I read the book Generation Kill, and now TBS is going to be running it as well, I think.

Lotta memories...

The look on the kid's face was perfect. It's all great to heckle, but then the guy turns around...and it was the priceless sort of "oh shit he sees me but I'm still sorta committed to the whole heckling thing."

George said...

Ah, but there's something quite rewarding to know your heckle message hits home. Years ago dear old Arlen Specter came to Penn State when I was teaching there right after the Clarence Thomas hearings. To stand 5 feet from him with a big "I Believe Anita Hill" poster was very rewarding.

George said...

Oh, I forgot to add that if I had to, I could beat the stuffin out of Sen. Specter. So that is a big advantage I have over scaredy cat with A-Rod.

renalfailure said...

A-Rod gives Shia LeBoeuf the evil eye.

renalfailure said...

Also... Falcor is fucking awesome. I don't think that fact is stated enough.

unfinishedrambling said...

NBC in general is on top of the hard-hitting news. I was at the gym last week and they spent an entire 10 minutes on Angelina Jolie's having twins...I zoned out after that.

Rickey's not the only concerned where this nation is headed with that billboard. A lot of us are, and should be.