Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Rickey Salutes Aviator Sunglasses

It’s been a week now since Rickey procured a pair of prescription Ray Ban aviator sunglasses for himself and we’re downright elated to inform you that this is easily one of the best additions to Rickey’s life (second only to Ms. Henderson). So in honor of this magnanimous purchase, Rickey has put together a little tribute to the awesomeness that encompasses the aviator sunglasses way of life. This one goes out to the benevolent Elks at Salisbury Lodge #674, aspiring serial killers everywhere, and Rickey’s good hooch mates from the 21st Infantry Division stationed in ‘Nam in 1968 who watched countless Saigon dawns oozing out of the jungle darkness and thick rain clouds pouring water down from the sky like a cow pissing on a flat rock. We proud few are bound fraternally and united by our irrational love for aviator sunglasses. Behold, comrades:


When Robert Duvall's character in "Apocalypse Now" stormed the beach wearing a cavalry hat, and espousing a comprehensive, brutal manliness in heart, body, and mind, with a charred hellscape reflecting from his sunglasses, aviator sunglasses were there.

When a senile George Steinbrenner demanded that Roger Clemens, a bowl of warm porridge, and a small lizard named Patton all be added to the Yankees payroll in 2007, aviator sunglasses were there.

When Tom Clancy wrote one of his many love letters to the military industrial complex ahem, we mean books, explaining how the world would be a far better place if testosterone laced men were allowed to use big shiny weapons to blow shit up, aviator sunglasses were there.

When gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson passed out on a beach in San Juan and hallucinated that a group of crabs crawled out of the ocean and anointed him their messiah, aviator sunglasses were there.

When a recent study revealed that anyone who wears aviator sunglasses for anything other than aviation is fiften times more likely to be a pedophile than people who wear normal sunglasses, aviator sunglasses were there.

When Harry Whittington learned that the most dangerous place in politics was between Dick Cheney and a game bird, aviator sunglasses were there.

When daring Air Force test pilot Chuck Yeager smashed through the sound barrier in 1947 in an experimental test plane while simultaneously engaged in a sexual maneuver known as the “London Bridge Patty Cake” with two women and soused on sweet sour mash bourbon, aviator sunglasses were there.

When acclaimed director Tony Scott was filming the famous volleyball scene for “Top Gun” and came to the conclusion that the scene just wasn’t quite homoerotic enough, aviator sunglasses were there.

When General Douglas MacArthur refused orders to return home and ordered the Navy fleet to head for Antarctica, vowing to "subjugate every last Maoist penguin in existence," aviator sunglasses were there.

When FBI profilers decided that the hooded sweatshirt and porn star moustache weren’t terrifying enough for their sketch of the Unabomber, aviator sunglasses were there.

When Rickey is standing behind you on line at the bank on a Saturday looking rather dangerous, aviator sunglasses are there.

Posted at Humor Blogs.

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Alex L said...

Greatest invention EVA!!!

Notice the crappy net speak spelling of 'ever' for extra emphasis!

Rickey Henderson said...

Indeed--screw penicillin, that stuff is overrated.

Bob "Serious McLiteral" said...

Awesome. Simply awesome.

I was waiting for a Top Gun reference and I wasn't disappointed.

George said...

Isn't "The Last Maoist Penguin" the next Pixar project? You know how they love a challenge.

The Hypocritical One said...

hmmm...I wonder when "blu-blockers" were "ever there." I love my pair.

Tuffy said...

Now I want a pair of prescription aviator sunglasses and a fanatical crab army.

Mr Furious said...

Greatest post EVA!!!*

*EVA!!! = the last couple days

Mr Furious said...

A tribute to Blu-Blockers:

A late 80s infomercial favorite, BB's introduced high-haired beachgoers to the retina-saving science of polarized lenses. Thanks to their multi-layer lens design, 'Blockers filter out scattered and reflected light, so wearers can see clearly while driving into a blinding sunset, or distinguish between sand bars, tiger sharks, and dead bodies in sun-glared water.

As for fashion-cred, BB's Original Aviator Pola shames overpriced, retro-chic designer offerings, which are really just BluBlocker knockoffs anyway. In a far more heartfelt way, Pola's harken back to the halcyon days when TransAms ruled the highways and mustaches carried magic.

Thrillist is Vince Coleman to Rickey's Rickey.

Rickey Henderson said...

Thrillist is indeed a great site, but Rickey fails to see what heroic night train porters have to do with anything.

Anonymous said...

I salute the Aviator Sunglasses as well! Awesome!

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Eric said...

Aviator sunglasses are one of the few styles that will be around forever, and have been already. They're great, and they look nice on most face shapes. Needless to say, but I'm a big fan.