Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Oddly, Texas Expect Rickey to Visit It

In case you were unaware, Rickey is somewhat of a sports person. He’s not exactly a diehard fan, nor does he collect articles of clothing worn by athletes, or dissect statistics from a box score like John Nash. Rickey lives a relatively normal and well adjusted life, but sometimes, Rickey gets sick of being responsible for his own happiness and prefers that weight to rest on someone else’s shoulders for a few hours. Also, Rickey likes to drink and gamble. Rickey’s motives are pure.

Rickey wasn’t ever a particularly raging Mets fan, and had a relatively normal childhood consisting mainly of reading Babar and being well-fed, but there was something rather intriguing about watching his father gleefully jump up and down one late night in October, 1986. Something that caused a few synapses in Rickey’s brain to misfire and cause him to think: “you know, this baseball is the sort of thing I could get behind.”

With these character traits firmly in mind, Rickey figured he’d start up a quasi sports blog, talk primarily in the third person, and see how things developed. And after a bazillion Mets related posts, we’re starting to question the logic of investing our hopes in a baseball team that has repeatedly shoved Rickey down the stairs then told him it loves him. Long term relationships with a professional baseball team are a tricky thing. Much like a real life relationship, they can break your heart, but unlike most relationships, they’ll earn millions of dollars doing it. We here are RwR value and enjoy the consistency of a long term relationship, but no matter how good they look going in to the situation, they can be a lot to vest yourself in without the guarantee of eggs in the morning.

And that brings us to today. Today, Rickey received an email from a Houston Astros fan asking him to move to Texas and coach outfielder Michael Bourn on the intricacies of base stealing. We shit you not. And we must admit, it’s a rather attractive offer which Rickey will discuss further with Ms. Henderson this evening. Texas has a warm and pleasant subtropical climate, the taxes are a helluva lot more reasonable than the ones in New York, it’s legal to own a rocket launcher there, and it has always been a life long dream of Rickey’s to run an armadillo farm. Would there be a few snags when Rickey disembarked from a plane in Houston and revealed himself to be someone other than the greatest base stealer of all time? Possibly, but these are the sorts of challenges that make living life so interesting. Hell, there’s a great sitcom waiting to be made from that premise. Granted, there is the minor issue of Rickey possessing what might be termed “a clinically unhealthy hatred for all things Texas” but again, that’s an obstacle we’d be willing to consider hurdling.

Rickey figures that coaching for the Astros is least he can do for a team that gave him Carlos Beltran, right? And frankly, with the dismal way the Mets season is progressing, Rickey is definitely thinking that getting the hell out of the tri-state area would do wonders for his state of mind. Marvel at the latest tidbits of Mets related news trickling in from our friends in the sports media:

Mythical Figure Known as “El Duque” to Return to Mets
Jose Reyes Hates Life and Puppies
Pedro Martinez to Leave Mets to Focus on Winning School Election
Alou to Return for Two Day Stint on Active Roster
Delgado to NY Media: “I’m a Werewolf”
Kazmir Considers Trade from Mets a Blessing

Man, that last one really stings. We just can’t let it go, can we? Twenty five years from now, crazed Mets fans will still be talking about the Kazmir for Zombrano trade as if it was the infamous “Peace for our Time” speech that Neville Chamberlain gave after returning from Munich in 1939.

Anyhow, getting back to the possibility of relocating to Houston, Rickey is currently keeping all options on the table. Could Rickey move to Texas and still retain membership with the Shea faithful? Sure, this guy has done a great job of it. But a certain degree of assimilation would be necessary. After all, this is Texas, a state where it is considered gauche not to have at least one item displaying the Longhorns emblem on your person or vehicle at all times. Pros and cons abound. On one hand, we feel that the ridiculous events on “Planet Houston” (pronounced hoo-ston) in Superman 2 pretty much speak for themselves: But on the other hand, there is a notable lack of obesity, white gravy, and racially motivated murder in Rickey’s life. Rickey has few rules in life, but one of them is never to accept job offers erroneously sent to eccentric baseball figures whom he is impersonating. Will this development cause him to break aforementioned rule? We’ll keep you posted.

Posted at Humor Blogs.

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7 comments:

Sully Sullivan said...

I think Texas would be the best fit for the self-proclaimed "greatest ever". Everything is bigger in Texas, so your ego would fit right in.

Mr Furious said...

Babar sucks. That is all.

Rickey Henderson said...

Screw you and screw your irrational hatred for Babar. Rickey likes a little neocolonialism in his childrens books. As an added bonus, Babar is essentially Hamlet starring anthropomorphic elephants: pretty much everyone dies (Babar's mom, the king) and there something about war with the Rhinos in there as well.

Deb said...

I never liked Babar, much, either, to be honest. But then again, I grew up on Nancy Drew, Jonny Quest and Speed Racer. None of whom have the slightest connection to Texas that I'm aware of... but I think Texas might be a good change of pace for Rickey and Mrs. Rickey. Maybe he could teach the young guys how to play cards and loaf in the outfield, thus earning millions of dollars and accolades without getting into too much trouble.

Of course, there is that Mexican border thingy to deal with... but hey, if anybody can do it, Rickey can.

As for neocolonialism, I never thought of Babar from that point of view, but now that Rickey mentions it... I am reminded of a great 1950s or so flick starring Elizabeth Taylor and I forget who played her British "colonialist" husband which was set in Burma, I believe it was called then. There were lots of elephants and lots of "yes sahibs" deferentially directed to Mr. Colonialist Husband.

Of course, he was a "good" colonialist, but a colonialist nevertheless.

Oh, those British....

Jeffrey Ellis said...

What a coincidence. Looking at a possible relocation to Houston, myself. Perhaps I'll run into Rickey there.

Ray said...

I had the opportunity to move to Houston with my job last year...I thought about it, talked to the wife and kids. Seemed like a good idea, but then I remembered something my father told me....

"Everything in Texas sucks"

He was a wise man, take heed....

George said...

Hey, you can't go coach Born as his name is spelled Bourn.

And remember, Texas gave us George W. Bush. All the Ann Richards and Molly Ivins in the world can't redeem a state for that.