Thursday, June 26, 2008

Rickey Ruminates

In this thrilling column, Rickey is provided with the exciting opportunity to make brash & seemingly untenable statements in bullet point format. It’s a little column we like to call RICKEY RUMINATES, and is essentially a bastardized redheaded stepchild of RICKEY RECOMMENDS. Instead of passing on esoteric recommendations that .015% of our readership will adopt, we’ve decided to pass along ponderous pearls of wisdom that .015% of our readership will heed. Everyone up to speed? Dandy then, here we go:

RICKEY RUMINATES

…that he will remember the late great George Carlin best for his role of “Mr. Conductor” in the PBS television series “Thomas the Tank Engine.” What can we say? As a kid, Rickey had a thing for anthropomorphic toy trains. (It was one of the primary reasons why Rickey was summarily evicted from the Land of Make Believe).

…that his new prescription Ray Ban aviator sunglasses make him feel like the cock of the walk. Combine ‘em with a baseball cap and a beard and you have a recipe for unadulterated awesomeness. Or another reason for mothers to grip their children’s hands a bit tighter than usual when you pass them by on the street.

…that Joan of Arc would have been far more successful at the Battle of Orleans if she had only allowed her troops to fight on Sundays.

…that people who use the phrase “with all due respect” in conversation should be rounded up and sent to a labor camp in the outskirts of Vladivostok. Other runners up for the highly coveted title of “insipid sayings that are killing our conversation” also include “at the end of the day,” and “same difference.”

…that we haven’t heard an awful lot about acid rain recently. Where did it go? Is it still a threat? Did Captain Planet and the Planeteers fix the problem while we were all on vacation? These are the sorts of things that keep Rickey awake at night.

…that all post-game press interviews with Jerry Manuel on SNY are now required viewing for Mets fans. Rickey tuned in last night following the Mets dignity salvaging victory against the Marlins and Manuel concluded the interview by saying “cool” then languidly sliding out of the room. We can’t really describe it. It was like watching that famous bigfoot video footage or a gazelle calmly walking off camera into the woods. Weird and strangely riveting stuff.

…that “The Office” boasts the best television jingle Rickey has ever heard. “The Daily Show” theme song would be a close second.

…that actors of a certain age should think carefully before choosing their next film roles. Lately, we’ve been noticing an alarming trend of great actors like Michael Gambon or Ian McKellan playing wizards in Hollywood children’s movies and we wonder: if these guys croak tomorrow, are these the sorts of roles these guys want to be best remembered for? Because let’s be honest here, Raul Julia didn’t win any posthumous Oscars for his role of General Bison in “Street Fighter.” Same goes for Orson Welles voicing Unicron in the animated 1985 Transformers movie shortly before he passed away. Or Buster Keaton in “Beach Blanket Bingo.” Or Peter O’Toole in “Club Paradise.” Or Richard Burton in “Exorcist II.” Or… well, you get the idea.

…that the eggplant is a criminally underused and underrated food item in today’s modern cuisine. Bake them, fry them, roast them, broil them, stir fry them, we don’t care what you do—you’ll find that nothing beats the earthy flavor of a well cooked eggplant. And no matter how hard it tries, the artichoke will never be as sublimely cool as the eggplant.

Posted at Humor Blogs.

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17 comments:

Mr Furious said...

Thomas is after my time, but my daughter has occasionally watched it and every time, I'm like, "Shit, that's George Fucking Carlin!"

In my head of course.

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Prescription sunglasses rule.

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Another phrase that needs to go is "to a man." This one is particularly popular among sports color commentators, etc. I fucking hate it.

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Bob Mould of Husker Du and Sugar fame wrote the Daily Show intro.

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Would Rickey refresh Mr Furious what the hell Raul Julia did to be mentioned in the same paragraph as any of those actors?

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Asparagus kicks artichoke and eggplant's ass at the same time with one hand tied behind its back.

Alex L said...

Proud owner of aviator glasses (often called mavericks in Australia), baseball cap and beard... and yeah the looks you get arent always, 'oh isnt he a nice looking fellow'.

Side note the thomas the tank engine we got was the british one voiced by Ringo Star (well narrated at least).

Smitty said...

And speaking of famous people voicing kids' shows...Greg Proops does Bob the Builder now.

Eggplant parmigian, anyone? Sorry artichoke. You lose.

leigh said...

we had a british consultant at our office for a while. during meetings when people were throwing out ideas etc.. he would begin his replies "with the greatest respect" which basically meant he thought you were a huge dumbass and he was letting everyone know you were a huge dumbass before he totally ripped you a new one in front of everyone. it was awesome.

you've been a blogging fool lately! nice to have you back.

Symbolic Godzilla said...

I've been very concerned about Acid Rain as well. Perhaps Global Warming was the right hand lacky of Acid Rain and, like Starscream so often tried with Megatron, killed the boss and took over the goal of destroying the planet?

MP said...

Street Fighter - undoubtedly one of top 5 movies of all time. It's a wonder that more executives don't consider the video game to movie transformation. Imagine the possibilities...

Ed in Westchester said...

"Long story short" pisses Ed off to no end.

Mostly because one guy I work with uses it, then proceeds to talk forever.

Rickey Henderson said...

Furious: we feel that Raul Julia's roles in "Moon Over Parador" and "Tequila Sunrise" pretty much speak for themselves.

Alex L: if memory serves correctly, Ringo did the first few seasons and Carlin took over for the later ones. Apparently there just wasn't a big enough budget to pay for Sir Topham Hat and Ringo...

Rickey Henderson said...

Leigh: don't call it a comeback--Rickey's been here for years.

Smitty: Greg Proops? That guy from Whose Line is it Anyway? Wow... Rickey just can't wait to have kids so he can watch his comedic icons slumming it. Rickey's parents must've gone nuts whenever they heard Bill Murray voicing Peter Venkman for that Ghostbusters cartoon show...

Symbolic Godzilla: Rickey suspects it's the other way around. But it's always fun to see a tenuous Transformers analogy made. Well done sir.

MP: Rickey heard through the grapevine that they're making a new one. Wait, fuck, it that one of those annoying figures of speech?

Ed: Agreed, "long story short" is just atrocious. If Rickey feels like using empty filler in a conversation, he'll go with a more esoteric phrase like "Metza Metz." If you're going to use a phrase that's meaningless, you might as well make it a double whammy by having it also be confusing and alienating to others, right?

maybe i can help... said...

I love my Ray Ban aviators... they go especially well with my baseball cap... no matter how many times Toasty Joe makes fun of me for looking like George Steinbrenner with the hat / glasses combo.

maybe i can help... said...

oh.. and my biggest gramatical pet peeve is when people say "literally" when they really mean "figuratively".

It literally kills me every time

AmyV said...

i've wondered about acid rain myself. and eggplants are truly underrated...

Mr Furious said...

Ben Kingsley is another guy whose name used to mean something on the marquis. Now he does about sixteen supporting roles a year..."BloodRayne?"..."The Love Guru?!?!"

Get some standards and a better agent Sir Ben.

(Anyone see "You Kill Me"? That looked promising.)

renalfailure said...

Considering that Orson Welles was mainly doing Paul Masson wine ads (while completely smashed), being remembered for voicing Unicron isn't that bad.

Raul Julia, on the other hand... well, at least he looked like he was having a ball hamming it up.

Statler said...

I don't see any problem with Orson Welles accepting a role as "the fattest thing in the universe, fo' reals." His career had just Galvatroned into a newer, fatter stage.

Deb said...

"We battled" is without a doubt the worst baseball cliche ever, period. What the hell does it mean, anyway, "we battled?" Did we win the game? No, but "we battled." We certainly battled, we battled and battled, but in the end, we came up short. That's the game of baseball, battling and then coming up short. But the battling is the important part... now, I'm afraid, I'm just babbling about the battling... hey, it's Monday, and I'm weird today...lol.

Smitty said...

that Joan of Arc would have been far more successful at the Battle of Orleans if she had only allowed her troops to fight on Sundays

Or, maybe, if she didn't just pray to die every time she took to the field. That doesn't do a lot for morale either, what with your leader having a death wish.