Friday, June 20, 2008

Rickey’s Exhaustive Search for a New Mets Skipper

Despite the fact that Gerry Manuel will remain as the Mets manager for the remainder of the season (and we can’t begin to tell you just how thrilled we are with this development) Rickey believes that it is never to early to start the search for a new manager for the 2009 season. So let’s take a peek at some of the stronger candidates out there who could potentially restore honor and dignity to the reputable institution that is the Mets clubhouse.

Wally Backman. Yes, he’s had some well documented legal problems, but what the Mets need more than anything right now is a little fire. A bit of moxie. A touch of gumption. DUI arrests, public temper tantrums, and bankruptcy usually don’t hinder our elected officials from staying in office, so why should they disqualify this memorable 86er from coaching the Mets? It’s a no brainer: kick over whatever rock Backman is sleeping under, sign him, and sit back and watch progress and/or public misdemeanors occur.

Jeff “The Demon” Torborg. Granted, under him the Mets were .444 and .342 in 1992 and 1993 respectively, but Rickey enjoys the idea of him returning to coach the Mets in 2009 (if for no other reason than we enjoy typing the word “Torborg” a whole lot). TORBORG!

Bobby Valentine. We hear he’s kind of a big deal over there in Japan these days. Hey Bobby: why not drop the “Mr. Sparkle” shtick, come back to the states and give the MLB coaching gig a shot again? Not a likely possibility, we know, but we’ll keep a light on and a pair of Groucho Marx glasses handy just in case…

Batman. This dark & dangerous vigilante brings with him a mood of urgent determination that is so sorely needed in the Mets clubhouse. Due to his current crime fighting obligations, Batman might not exactly be the most reliable candidate to lead the Mets coaching staff, but we feel that the possibility of him ominously creeping out of the dugout to snarl at a MLB ump: “I’m the goddamned Batman!” would offset these weaknesses.

Jack Bauer. Since we’re looking into the possibility of hiring someone to coach the Mets who just oozes with gravitas, why not go for broke? What better way to boost morale than with Jack Bauer telling you that “it’s the ninth inning, and we’re running out of time damnit!” And if that fails to work, he can always torture Oliver Perez senseless. True story: on his tax returns, Jack Bauer has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

Isiah Thomas. If this week’s firing has taught us anything, it’s that the Wilpons are actively competing with the Dolans for the highly prized title of “Biggest Fuck Ups In New York.” So why not carry on this proud tradition by signing Isiah Thomas to a ten year coaching contract with the Mets? You know, really fly this plane into the mountain, because if you’re going to suck, why not make it as epic as possible?

Rickey Henderson. Not to pimp ourselves too much, but… Rickey is ready. Rickey is battle tested. Rickey has baseball knowledge. Rickey knows what ails the Mets. Rickey can right this sinking ship. And that’s all Rickey has to say about Rickey. Hire Rickey.

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8 comments:

maybe i can help... said...

good lord, man!
are you trying to kill me?
I fell out of my chair with laughter after seeing the "Lost in Translation" pic for Bobby V. Another reason why I continue to read this blog- possibility of death by amusement.

Toasty Joe said...

Hmm, Rickey's sales pitch sounds suspiciously like Hillary Clinton's.

George said...

If the Mets hired Wally Backman, wouldn't they have to hire Tim Teufel too to complete the platoon?

Anonymous said...

How about Pedro as a player coach?? Oh wait everyone would have to have his fathers birthday off. That wouldn't work too good...

Rickey Henderson said...

Toasty: you're right, Rickey was inadvertendly channeling her there... Perhaps "Rickey: Change You Can Believe In!" would've worked better.

George: the world is simply not ready for the return of the "Teufel Shuffle."

Mike said...

HIRE RICKEY.

Alex L said...

Rickey Should get the job merely for the fact I wanna see the press conference with him speaking in the third person.

Ed the Gent said...

I hereby nominate Dallas Green to the list of candidates, if only to make the hiring of Rickey more inevitable.