Monday, June 2, 2008

Your Weekly Linkage!

…in which Rickey culls the internet for only the choicest links with the intention that maybe, just maybe, the handful of misanthropes that come by this site daily might actually click on ‘em and use the vast knowledge contained herein to somehow better themselves. (No luck so far). Bon appetite, fuckwits.

As of this writing, Al Franken is only two points behind Norm Coleman in the race for the Minnesota Senate seat. The latest Ramussen/RwR poll on Franken reveals that:

35% say he's good enough,
35% say he's smart enough,
and 30% say doggone it, people like him.

So go, Franken, go! Rickey is downright giddy at the idea of this guy winning a seat in the Senate. Just imagine how epic would the Bill O’Reilley freakout be…

In space, no one can hear you flush…because the goddamned toilet is broken. How is there only one toilet on the ISS? Doesn’t this seem like horrifically poor planning? All together now everyone: “Even in the future nothing works!”

In our ongoing series, “Dispatches from Arkansas” Rickey proudly presents the story of two bright young lads known as the Johnson County Boys: a 10 year old and a 12 year old who got liquored up and crashed their car while trying to pick up a girl they met at the rodeo. Yep, just another day in Arkansas…

Taking a peek at the calendar, this week brings the following videogame releases: Ninja Gaiden II (ninjas!) and Lego Indiana Jones (Indy + Legos = awesome). Assuming your wallet isn’t hurting too much, Rickey recommends picking up both. Ninja Gaiden has ninjas(!), so that’s pretty much a no-brainer, and who wouldn’t want to play through a Lego universe interpretation of the original Indy trilogy? Hitler, that’s who. Fucking Hitler.

Now this is just all sorts of fun: a tiny fruit that tricks the taste buds into thinking that sour foods actually taste sweet. Just rub one berry on your palette and lo!, goat cheese tastes like cheesecake, vinegar tastes like apple cider, lemons taste like sugar, and any/all wine suddenly tastes like Manischewitz. Practical applications? None whatsoever, but trippy as all hell nonetheless.

The countries of Peru and Chile are arguing over which country potatoes originated in. And so it begins: what we can only hope will be a Dr. Seuss styled potato war between these two nations, featuring these as armaments.

This just in: Dwight Schrute from “The Office” will battle Decepticons in “Transformers 2.” Will he be paid in Schrute Bucks? Only time will tell…

And in yet more “Giant Robots Fighting!” news, a man was banned from boarding a plane at Heathrow Airport due to the fact that he was wearing a t-shirt with Optimus Prime holding a cartoon gun. Nice to see that we haven’t allowed the terrorists to win, eh? Good thing he wasn’t wearing a Megatron t-shirt—the whole damned robot is a gun for christsakes…

This may be just about the only exciting thing ever to happen in Oak Lawn, Illinois: stop signs with funny slogans worked into ‘em. Being humorless schmucks, the Illinois DOT is debating decommissioning them which is a low down dirty shame because Rickey has some suggestions for additional signs:

STOP… Collaborate and Listen
STOP… Or My Mom Will Shoot
STOP… Hammertime

You’d think that in today’s world, over 140 years since the conclusion of the Civil War, cannonball related deaths would be somewhat of a thing of the past. And for most the most part you’d be correct, except on this occasion.

Fresh off her charming Crawford ranch wedding, Jenna Bush is considering teaching at an inner city public school in Baltimore. Federal Hill to be precise. Pryzbylewski from “The Wire” approves of this decision!

Rickey loves, loves, loves, Google trends. Here’s why.

Because you were clamoring for it: The 21 Most Outrageous Sports Illustrated Covers of All Time. Rickey’s favorites include the one of Joe Namath looking eerily like a Taliban member and the cover with the ferocious bear on front bearing the title: “THE GRIZZLY: THE ENEMY OF MAN!”

And what could be a more fitting way of wrapping this column up than with a story about how ADHD is costing employers millions of dollars? Oh, hey, look… a pretty colored butterfly… Rickey’s gotta run.

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7 comments:

Toasty Joe said...

Why is Greg Maddux posing with a giant potato gun?

Haley said...

STOP...draggin' my heart around.

STOP... right now, thank you very much, I need somebody with the human touch. (although this could cause massive delays....)

My favorite:

DON'T STOP...belieeeeeeeevin..(i.e. YIELD)

Father Shaggy said...

That graph made me laugh like an idiot for five minutes.

WTF, indeed.

...and...

STOP... cryin'. Put another quarter in the jukebox. (Pretty obscure, that one.)

George said...

Was it 2006 when the Olsen twins became legal?

(Now you're all yelling STOP.)

Smitty said...

A tiny fruit that tricks the tastebuds into tasting the opposite??

Oh, the sheer POWER of such a fruit. The endless applications.

Mothers-in-law dinners would finally taste good.

I could drink Bud or Miller again (but still...why??)

Liver and onions would finally taste like cotton candy like my parents told me it would.

Ray said...

Regarding the Google Trends ATM/AF graphic....I am pleased to report that Tampa (my current place of residence) is the #1 ranked city in ATM, but saddened that Tampa drops to #4 in the AF category.

(whoops I posted this on the wrong blog....)

AmyV said...

they're right. the Illinois DOT needs to find a sense of humor. sheesh