Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Heads Down Mets Fans, It's Exam Time

As of this writing, only 100 games remain in the 2008 Mets regular season. And if things continue on their current course, only 100 games remain for the Mets this year, period. How to put this delicately… they’re just…ah… well they’ve just very not good. So what better way to familiarize yourselves with some of the issues plaguing the Mets than a fun-filled quiz?* Everyone have their No. 2 pencils sharpened? Good, here we go. Please note that the use of scientific calculators and/or anti-depressant medication is strictly prohibited during the exam.

1) While playing a series in Colorado in which he was called upon to pinch hit twice despite suffering from a concussion, what did Ryan Church tell reporters he felt like?

(a) “Fit as a fiddle—no man can stop me!”
(b) “My head feels like a boat bobbing on the Bering Sea.”
(c) “Neurologist, schmerologst. I’m not letting Moises Alou back on the roster.”
(d) “Daddy I want ice cream!”

2) If the Mets choose not to exercise Carlos Delgado’s option this winter, how much money will they owe him?

(a) $4 million
(b) $2 million
(c) $5 million in Denny’s gift cards
(d) Money? His contract stipulates an offering to Jobu.

3) What is the current promotional slogan for the 2008 Mets?

(a) “Fuck You, We Know What We’re Doing.”
(b) “The Mets: Live & In Person.”
(c) "Big Market Payroll, Small Market Results."
(d) ” Your Season Has Come.”

4) What was Abraham Nunez’s batting average in New Orleans before being called up to the Mets last week to spell David Wright and Luis Castillo?

(a) .188
(b) .133
(c) .192
(d) Ah christ, just shoot me now.

5) Aaron Heilman was selected by the Mets in the first round of the 2001 draft. What number was his overall pick?

(a) 12
(b) 17
(c) 18
(d) Wait, you mean to tell me that we drafted this miserable bastard?

6) In order to win 90 games in the remainder of the 2008 regular season, how many games over .500 would the Mets have to play?

(a) 20
(b) 21
(c) 19
(d) We’re fucked. We’re so fucked we don’t even know how fucked we are.

7) What reason did Ramon Castro give for showing up late at the San Diego Padres Stadium and missing the game this past Sunday?

(a) Family obligations.
(b) Forgetting to adjust for the West coast time zone change.
(c) Getting lost at the San Diego Zoo.
(d) Up all night on the phone with Jose Lima’s wife.

8) How many catchers do the Mets currently have on their roster?
(a) 3
(b) 2
(c) 5
(d) Leave me alone, I don’t deserve this.

9) Since taking over as GM of the New York Mets, Omar Minaya has increased the Mets’ payroll by how much?

(a) $31 million
(b) $48 million
(c) $55 million
(d) We suck. We’re the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Boy do we suck.

10) Which American League baseball team is Rickey recommending that you start watching instead of the Mets?

(a) The Tigers
(b) The Red Sox
(c) The Rays
(d) The Angels

Answer Key: 1(b), 2(a), 3(b), 4(a), 5(c), 6(a), 7(b), 8(a), 9(c), 10(c)

Score Results:

1-2 correct – Haven’t been watching the Mets much this season, have you? Mazel tov, you’ve saved hundreds of dollars on antacid medication.

3-8 correct – Middle of the road. You know all about Pedro’s health problems but are unsure who this Victor Zombrano fellow is that the other Mets fans like to curse about.

9-10 correct – Congratulations, you’re Steve Philips. You’re well versed in everything that’s wrong with the Mets. How’s that working out for you?

*h/t to Toasty Joe for the Mets quiz premise which Rickey so recklessly absconded with.

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Toasty Joe said...

Shenanigans!! Shenanigans!! Rickey should know I have a patent on gallows-humor Met quizzes:





Of course, Rickey had to go and do it even better than I ever did. Nice work. (especially 3(a)...lol).

Rickey Henderson said...

Yeahhhhhh... Rickey knew this was coming. Many thanks for the inspiration Toasty. As far as humor goes, you've still got Rickey beat on 'em (for now).

Smitty said...

It iot possible for me to commisserate with you, as a Tigers fan? Are we kindered souls?

George said...

Damn I got 11 out of 10 right.

Rickey Henderson said...

Smitty--yeah, we're kindred souls alright. Seeing Dontrelle Willis get sent down to the minors isn't an easy thing to stomach.

George: Well done, you've defied the laws of mathematics.

Toasty Joe said...

Sweet merciful Vishnu, do we ever suck. It's gone beyond the realm of human comprehension at this point.

Rickey Henderson said...

It certainly should not take 13 innings to beat the freaking Diamondbacks.