Thursday, June 12, 2008

Tales From the Mets Locker Room: Super Secret Closed Door Team Meeting #72

Willie Randolph: Ok everyone, have a seat. Is everyone here? Good, let’s begin. It’s team meeting time.

Billy Wagner: We’ve had 8 team meetings in the past three days. Three of which involved helping Sandy Alomar Sr. find his car keys. Maybe it’s time we admitted to ourselves that these meetings aren’t accomplishing much.

Luis Castillo: [entering clubhouse] Oh hi guys, I just stopped by to pick up my paycheck. Is now a bad time?

Jose Reyes: ^*!__*^!!^*^__^*!^*!^*!^___!^*!^*^!

Willie: Damnit Luis, you heard Jose, this is no time to think about money. Get in here and sit your ass down. Alright people, let’s brainstorm. What needs to be done to get this team back on the winning track?

Marlon Anderson: I have an idea! I can put together a PowerPoint presentation detailing what we need to do in the next 100 games to win the pennant. I like clip art!

Willie: And I like outfielders with batting averages higher than .155. Sit down Marlon.

David Wright: Pedro wrote a manifesto the other day and handed it out to everyone to read.

Willie: What does it say?

Wright: [puts on reading glasses and reads aloud] All that is solid melts into air, all that is holy is profaned, and man is at last compelled to face with sober senses, his real conditions of life, and his relations with his kind. For too long, the bourgeoisie epoch which governs baseball has subsisted on naked, shameless, direct, and brutal exploitation. We the proletariat have nothing to lose but our chains. We have a world to win. Baseball players of the world, uni---

Willie: Stop right there. Someone please translate.

Brian Snyder: Best as we can figure, Pedro is advocating that we break free of the interests of the bourgeois class and return to a classless agrarian society and spend our days sleeping in hammocks under mango trees.

Pedro Martinez: We must renounce the apparatus of the social hierarchy and cast off the shackles of our oppressors!

Willie: Uh, well that’s going to be a big hit on the Dominican Republic lecture circuit Petey, but I don’t see the relevance here. Come on guys, we need to get our shit together. The Phillies are running away with the division!

Wright: We’re failing, no big deal!

Willie: But what about the playoffs?!

Wright: Let’s face it: we’re not going to the playoffs!

TV Announcer: [entering clubhouse & talking to camera] Is this a familiar story? Is your baseball franchise currently struggling? Have you tried just about everything to get them back on the right track? Then give The Baseball Learning Center of Knowledge™ a call. We specialize in teaching your team to develop stronger athletic skills in catching, hitting, and throwing. After only a few weeks, you’ll notice your baseball players developing better concentration, focus, and attention span. Here at the Baseball Learning Center of Knowledge™, we strive to ensure that your players gain confidence and motivation. Results guaranteed, or your money back. Pick up the phone, the toll-free number to call is…

Willie: [interrupting] Who are you and what are you doing in my clubhouse?

Omar Minaya: Easy there Willie, I’ve contracted the services of this company to help the team to relearn the fundamentals of playing baseball. It’s our best shot at fixing this mess. And best of all, because it’s a cross promotion, we’re getting paid for it. Smile wide for the camera everyone!

Willie: I’m not entirely comfortable with this Omar. It seems a little gimmicky…

Omar: Gimmicky? Nonsense. Look Willie, revenues are down and the team is playing like crap. We need exciting cross promotions to fix things. For tomorrow night’s game we’re painting Ramon Castro green in conjunction with an ad campaign we’re doing for that Hulk movie that’s coming out this weekend. It’s all about the marketing tie-ins people.

Ramon Castro: HULK CASTRO SMASH TEXAS RANGERS!

Omar: Yeah, that’s the ticket Ramon, keep it up. Get mad!

Castro: PUNY HUMANS! YOU WOULDN’T LIKE HULK CASTRO WHEN HE’S BENCHED!

Carlos Beltran: Mmmm, now that’s good crazy. So this Baseball Learning Center of Knowledge™, it can fix my dismal performance at the plate with runners in scoring position?

TV Announcer: Indeed it can! A mere two weeks with our instructors and you’ll be slugging like Chipper Jones!

Duaner Sanchez: And it can fix my arm and make me pitch fastballs again?

TV Announcer: Results guaranteed! That cab accident will soon be a distant memory!

Carlos Delgado: Can you make me 10 years younger?

TV Announcer: Sure! Why not?

Scott Schoeneweis: Can you fix Oliver Perez?

TV Announcer: Absolutely, where is he?

Scott Schoeneweis: He’s the guy openly weeping in the corner.

TV Announcer: [walks over to Perez] Why hello there son, what’s your name?

Perez: Oliver Perez.

TV Announcer: And what seems to be the problem?

Perez: My life is shit. Willie abuses me when I don’t pitch well…

TV Announcer: Did you just say….

Willie: [interrupting] Uh, Ollie meant to say that I amuse him after a bad game. See, I like to keep my players light hearted and jovial after a tough loss. A little levity goes a long way, you know?

TV Announcer: I could’ve sworn he said…

Willie: Nope, nope you misheard him. Let’s wrap this up.

Perez: [grabs announcer by the arm and pleads with wild panicked eyes] Please sir, please fix me. Put your baseball knowledge inside of me!

Omar Minaya: [to announcer] Uh, you can edit that out of the commercial, right?

Willie: Meeting over! Everyone out of my locker room, now!

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12 comments:

George said...

Mad PhotoShop skills!

Rickey Henderson said...

(sigh) Rickey wishes he could take credit. When the keyword search "Castro Hulk" turned back zero results, Rickey stumbled upon that image of Castro as Shrek online and just lopped off the Shrek ears.

On an unrelated note, after listening to today's brutal loss on the drive home from the gym, it's official: the Mets have run out of ways to lose games. The karma from 07 is just too overwhelming.

Happy Birthday to baseball however. On June 12, 1839, Abner Doubleday allegedly invented the game of baseball. So really, we've got him to blame for these shitty shitty Mets...

Toasty Joe said...

Not to fear, all. I've posted the solution to all our problems this very day.

Smitty said...

Are you sure you didnt take that from the Tigers meeting room?

Dr. Teeth said...

This made me laugh and cry all at the same time.

upstate met fan said...

Wait.. it's ONLY April, right? RIGHT??

Where are the fuckers that kept telling the fans that it was too early? Most of us knew the Mets were not going anywhere. I can't believe the Wilpons aren't doing anything. I chose not to watch and read baseball for about two weeks..until now, and everyone seems to be on the same page now(fire randolph)..and it only took 60 something games. I don't know about every where else ... but in my world proactiveness works wonders.

Now I have to wonder what the hell I'm going to do with my September tickets...in the mean time I'll be doing a lot of fishing!

Alex L said...

"Put your baseball knowledge inside of me"

Euuuugh, that creeped me out, but still friggin funny dude nice work.

Rickey Henderson said...

Upstate Mets Fan: yep, you're aboslutely right. Judging by the look of things, the panic button should've been hit in April.

Firing Willie is absolutely not the answer however. Omar Minaya put this brittle team together and he alone should take the blame for their woes. The injuries more than anything else have been absolutely devestating for the Mets. Couple that with all the underperforming geriatrics that Omar loves to sign and you've got a damned good reason why the Wilpons should fire his ass.

Toasty Joe said...

Rickey, I respectfully disagree. This roster has flaws, to be sure, and Omar won't be winning 2008 GM of the year, but they were good enough to be 7 games up with 17 to play last year - AND they added Johan Santana to the mix. They are severely underachieving, and that falls on the manager.

Adam said...

3 AM firings overnight? Wilpons and Minaya = cowards. For shame. Sorry, but there's no need for that kind of behavior. Say what you will about Willie and Peterson, but they've been a part of this club for years. The least they deserve is to now be flown out to CA to get their asses fired after a big win. No, that's just disgusting.

Oh, and by the way, show me the team that had their skipper fired in the middle of the season and bounced back to win the division. Seriously, if there's a case study in this sort of brilliance, I'd be happy to give it creedence.

Just awful.

Rickey Henderson said...

Yep, it's just awful. Why would they fire Willie after taking 2 of 3 games from the Rangers and then going out west to win a game that no one expected them to win? What a lousy management decision.

Toasty Joe said...

Adam: The 2003 Marlins may not have won their division, but they won a fricking RING.