Tuesday, June 5, 2007

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy this week’s installment of

RICKEY RECOMMENDS:

Oops, wait, wait, hold on just a second. We should note that you’ll probably notice a theme to this week’s this week's installment. The pervasive theme being that only a select few bunch of people will actually catch many of this week’s references. Indeed, this is the college reunion edition of Rickey Recommends. So pardon us if you don’t get a damn thing we’re talking about--we’re plowing ahead anyway. So lets try again. Ahem, here we go.

RICKEY RECOMMENDS: (THE REUNION EDITION)

Getting more than 4 hours of sleep over a three day period. Do we even need to explain why this is sage advice?

Waiting for your friends to arrive on campus before proceeding to drink yourself silly. Because belligerently stalking around a bonfire in search of a small unattractive Korean girl who wore braces in college would’ve easily been prevented if you’d had friends nearby to intervene. (No, aforementioned person wasn’t Rickey).

Not getting fat. Time marches on, but a scant half hour daily on the treadmill can forestall your inevitable metamorphosis into a fleshy human pear. Deciding to settle down in Central New York and own chickens should also be considered a poor decision.

Breaking up fistfights when they occur. At some point on Saturday night, Rickey wandered upon two fellows exchanging punches to the face. In a remarkable display of poor form, Rickey didn’t intervene. But in his defense, this was primarily because one of them spilled beer all over Rickey. (At the time, Rickey was on the verge of goading them on like Michael Vick at a pit bull fight).

Avoiding the "Coping With Menopause" seminar that your university has inexplicably decided to offer as one of its reunion events.

Trying to not wax nostalgic about your college days. Because “remember when…” is the lowest form of conversation. End of story.

Not assuming that your ailing fantasy baseball franchise is a suitable conversation topic for casual acquaintances from five years ago who barely remember your name.

Holding out for better alcohol options if none immediately present themselves. Rickey definitely regrets drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks when tonic water was unavailable for a G&T.

Not locking yourself out of your room (twice!) over the course of the weekend. Because nothing beats drunkenly ambling around your frat house in your boxers looking for something resembling a bed. Campus safety got to know Rickey quite well over the course of the weekend.

Not attending a college that’s built on a forty five degree incline. Seriously, what the everloving fuck? Rickey had forgotten how painful walking up large hills can be. Especially exhausted and hung over.

Eight dollar pitchers of beer. Where else in the known universe can one purchase a pitcher of Labatt Blue for eight dollars?

Not falling off of a roof. No, it didn’t happen to anyone, but at multiple points over the weekend, it easily could’ve.

Not leaving a laptop brimming with illicit material out for some oversexed misanthrope to wander off with and defile himself to. But hey, at least he was nice enough to leave a note.

Avoiding the college bookstore. Damn what a racket—Rickey’s credit card is hurting. But on the plus side, thanks to his new university branded flip flops, no one will dare question his college spirit again.

Hearty hugs. Because nothing says “I missed you bastards” quite like a good man-hug and slap on the back. Good times were had all around.

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9 comments:

Toasty Joe said...

I don't get it.

Rickey Henderson said...

Ok, what exactly don't you get?

It's the usual Recommends column, only this time its chock full o tidbits Rickey learned at his college reunion this past weekend.

Smitty said...

Very sage, very sound advice. I would also add, if I could be so presumptuous, to remember that sometimes, a decade or more has passed since college. While it may seem cool to drink and party as much as one did when 21, when you're 33....not so much. It hurts way worse.

Toasty Joe said...

I get it, I was just being cheeky based on your lengthy disclaimer. Toasty is shocked that his little bit of sarcasm went over Rickey's head.

The Jack Sack said...

"Toasty" sarcasm makes my crotch itch.

Rickey Henderson said...

Ah, okey dokey then Joe. Believe it or not, sarcasm is actually frequently missed by Rickey--particularly that of the internet variety.

Paul said...

Chasing after Korean girls who wore braces in college. Being forced to walk uphill at all times... Did Rickey go to Brown?

Mike said...

No.

But it sounds like Rickey shared some moments high above Cayuga's waters though.

Rickey Henderson said...

Brown? Heh, Rickey wishes. Rickey went to a college located in the geographical center of New York, a college inexplicably named after a toothpaste company.