Thursday, March 1, 2007

Your Weekly Mets Update

Happy Thursday folks. Or “The-Hers Day” if you will… (for the ladies). If Mr. Met can find the time to hang out with Condi Rice, then there'e absolutely no reason for him to continuously turn down Rickey's written requests to ordain Rickey's wedding. None.

Glutton for punishment that he is, Rickey decided to hunker down and watch the rebroadcast of the Mets’ first spring training game on SNY last night. Unsurprisingly enough, it was a total snooze-fest. Based on the outcome of the game (a 5-4 Mets loss) it is abundantly clear that the Metropolitans are clearly headed towards a 0-162 season. You head me Mets fans, let the hand-wringing ensue.

See, Ms. Henderson loves to tease Rickey about these things, and was in rare form last night—asking why the Mets were playing so poorly and what their deal was. And then it occurred to Rickey that she might not be the only person spreading seeds of doubt in Mets world at the moment. Some of you dumb schmucks might actually be seriously worried. So to all you insane naysayers that hopped on the Mets bandwagon during the 2006 season, Rickey has the following words of wisdom:

Did anyone get hurt? If the answer is no, then guess what cupcake, that constitutes a victory for the Mets. Wins and losses during Spring Training are about as relevant as the current whereabouts of Bobby Valentine. As long as Reuben Sierra didn’t develop Alzheimer’s and show up wearing Yankee pinstripes or Julio Franco didn’t shatter a hip or Moises Alou’s arm didn’t fall off in mid throw, then a Mets February Spring Training game is a success. That’s where Rickey is setting the bar at.

Forget the fact that Shawn Green and Moises Alou can’t really catch or throw the ball particularly well (which, if you’re an outfielder, is kind of an issue). We’ve still come a long way since the nightmarish Todd Hundley and Roger Cedeno years. Yeah, remember them?

Nervous after watching Perez slowly toss underhanded softballs to the Tigers? Consider the fact that Aaron Heilman unveiled a nasty looking slider yesterday and seems to be making yet another bid at a spot in the starting pitching rotation. This time, it just might pan out for Heilman.

More good news: Gary, Keith, and Ron are back, and with them, so is the hilarity. Rickey was happy to see that yes, Gary Cohen still looks absolutely goofy and insists on turning his head directly towards Keith and inexplicably grinning like a pederast whenever they speak. Now if someone could please beat Chris Cotter with a sack of Valencia oranges, everything would be perfect.

And the most exciting news to take away from yesterday’s game? The Mets have a guy named Ben Johnson playing for them. Phallic jokes aside, (Johnson is standing tall at first base!) he looks like a scrappy player. And even though B.J.’s name is spelled differently from that of the famed British poet laureate, Rickey will be making literary references whenever possible. If the Mets could seek out and draft baseball players by the names of Robert Herrick and Richard Lovelace, thereby completing the first ever English Renaissance Poet trifecta in baseball, Rickey’s life would be complete.

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Adam said...


Did you hear the story about some "Supermadame" in Los Angeles releasing a list of celeb Johns, and among them is Tommy Lasorda!!!! Rickey, please write an article about this! It's a freakin' goldmine.

Toasty Joe said...

Rickey loves Chris Cotter. Admit. Remember when he strummed along with that Beatles tribute band in right field at Shea last year? Or when he did that bit of emergency play-by-play in between bites of a chili dog in Cincy? Ah, memories.

Mike said...

if someone could please beat Chris Cotter with a sack of Valencia oranges

I volunteer. Just give me the oranges, an escape route, and your owen personal ID if I get caught, and I'm there by nightfall.

Rickey Henderson said...

Adam--I can’t. Because even discussing the scandal necessitates visualizing Tommy Lasorda naked. Ugh.

I'll leave you with this, the revised advertisement for FOX's MLB Playoff coverage this year:

“I live for this. You live for this. And THE WHOLE WORLD lives for this. To the bedroom!”

Rickey Henderson said...

Also, Cotter is somebody's kid, right? There's just no other explanation for him still having a job at SNY.

Mike said...

There's just no other explanation for him still having a job at SNY.

Maybe Gary's not smiling at Keith.