Hiya folks, Rickey here. Rickey’s got roughly 2 weeks left until pitchers and catchers report to Port St. Lucie and things start heating up in Metsworld. In the meantime, there’s not much For Rickey to do other than calculate the over/under on “number of Mets to cross the Rainbow Bridge in 2007.” That’s right, thanks to all those horse worshipping wackjobs eulogizing St. Barbaro, I’m now officially working references about “crossing the Rainbow Bridge” into sentences whenever possible. Deal with it. So what do I do to pass the time until the Mets awaken from their 100 year slumber in the Catskill Mountains? Well how about an in-depth look at two of Rickey’s favorite network tv shows? Sound good? You betcha.
Rickey realizes that comparing “Lost” and “24” is kind of like comparing apples and wiffleball bats. It really can’t be intelligently written about in generic prose form. In keeping with the overall tone of this blog, something more ridiculously abstract is necessary. So instead, lets just pretend that the two television shows are talking entities who are having a point/counterpoint discussion (yes, dear reader, its entirely possible that Rickey may have lost his mind). Just pretend it’s like those Apple commercials, except much less annoying and not geared towards upwardly mobile yuppies. Everyone up to speed? No? Well fuck it, we’re plowing ahead anyway.
24: Hi, I’m 24.
LOST: And I’m Lost.
24: And I once strangled a man with my bare hands.
LOST: Uh, ok, that’s interesting. So what kinds of people watch you every week?
24: My audience consists mainly of rage-oholics, Vikings, and transients.
LOST: My typical viewers have spent their last 20 years polishing their master’s thesis.
24: That’s great cupcake. So these egg-heads like you?
LOST: Well my viewers have kind of a love/hate relationship with me.
24: And why’s that college boy?
LOST: Because I don’t give them easy answers and resolutions every week.
24: But there are explosions, ninjas, car chases, and gunfights, right?
LOST: Well once it seemed as it like someone was going to fire a gun but then they changed their mind.
24: That must have been a real cliffhanger for your audience cupcake.
LOST: Indeed, it was a thrilling season finale.
24: So not a damn thing happens? And you still have an audience?
LOST: Well I keep the audience hooked through viewer participation.
24: Viewer what? I just give ‘em fireballs and ridiculous plot twists and hope for the best.
LOST: Seriously, interactive television is the way of the future—every week I drop some new clues and my viewers try to solve my riddles and mysteries at home. It’s really an exciting way of getting the audience invested in the show.
24: That’s wonderful cupcake, my viewers play drinking games every week while watching me. I killed a guy once that way.
LOST: Well to fully appreciate me, my viewers need to watch me with an unabridged Oxford English Dictionary and a lunar chart from 1975.
24: My viewers need adult diapers, tequila, and multiple cigarette breaks while I’m on tv.
LOST: Hm, fascinating. Did I mention that my viewers enjoy the Sunday NYTimes crossword puzzle?
24: Bully for you. My viewers enjoy driving flaming dump trucks through school zones.
LOST: What about character development? I like to provide my audience with flashbacks so that they can better understand my characters’ motivations.
24: The lucky few characters I choose not to kill off have a range of two emotions: “pouting” and “angry.”
LOST: My main character is Jack, a tortured soul with a troubled past.
24: Oh wow, same here cupcake. Hey, did your Jack lose his wife and best friend, alienate his daughter, become addicted to heroin, save the president’s life multiples times, survive two nuclear explosions and nerve gas exposure, get tortured senselessly, and get shipped over to China in a box?
LOST: No, but he does get misty eyed a lot.
24: Sounds like a real winner, your Jack.
LOST: Don’t you ever wish you were less violent and more ephemeral?
24: Not for one heartbeat cupcake. Gotta run, I feel the need to beat up a mime.