After spending most of my Monday lamenting the sad news of Barbaro's demise ("The Horse, The!") and the fact that 6 piece chicken mcnuggets no longer cost 99 cents, I pulled myself out of my funk, strapped on my adult diaper, and sat down for some Monday night “24” awesomeness. By the way, this whole Barbaro thing will seem much less funny when the Cult of the Inquisitors of the Equine Jesus is burning us in cages on street corners. Anyhow, since this is my first post on "24" Season 6, here’s a quick recap of everything that has heretofore transpired:
- Jack has been released from a Chinese prison to once again preserve life as we know it on this crazy blue marble of ours. What the U.S. gave up in exchange for his freedom is currently unknown. I’m guessing it wasn’t Kim.
- Wayne Palmer, God help us, is now President of the United States. But on the positive side, he actually governs from the White House this season, rather than the generic California day spas that previous leaders in “24” have chosen as their lofty perches of power.
- Fayad, a bald skeleton faced man of Middle Eastern descent with ridiculously pronounced cheekbones is holding the nation hostage with 5 suitcase nukes. One of which was detonated nearby the set of “The Truman Show,” ahem, I mean suburban Valencia. Fayad also has 19 backup plans in place for when Kiefer gets angry and hurls the suitcase nukes into outer space.
- Somewhere in LA, a man who was carjacked by Kiefer GTA style is still cowering on the ground wondering if he can get up yet.
- Bluetooth man is actually Bluetooth Bauer, Kiefer’s estranged brother. And there’s a father figure in the form of James Cromwell lurking around somewhere. Let the Bauer bonding begin! (I cannot believe I just typed that-just shoot me).
So is everyone up to speed now? Good, because we're not going back. The following running diary takes place between 9pm and 10pm, Westchester Standard Time:
Picking up a thread from last week’s episode: I’d say that kid with the Beatles haircut was Jack’s, but we all know that a legitimate son of Jack’s would be some kind of wolverine/ninja hybrid. So until the boy lives up to the reputation, he just isn’t Jack's.
Anyway, Tom Lennox (Janosz, from "Ghostbusters II") kicks off the episode by whining more. Karen (Gandalf, from "Lord of the Rings") calls him on his continuing usurpation of power. Yay for arguments about constitutional interpretation. And yet it’s oddly riveting since the two of them are realllllly getting into it. If these people spent as much time doing their jobs as arguing then a whole lot more would get done by this administration.
Ms. Henderson calls to inform me that the actor portraying the role of “Tom Lennox’s Fluffer” is none other than Mr. Hillary Swank (well, soon to be ex Mr. Hillary Swank) aka Chad Lowe. Bravo 24 Casting Department, bravo. By the way guys, when you’re lucky enough to be with someone who calls up to inform you of the identities of previously believed deceased actors in 24, you know you’ve hit the jackpot.
Aww, Jack stopped asphyxiating Graham, so maybe there’s some hope for brotherly reconciliation after all. Still, Kiefer’s definitely off the Bauer family Christmas newsletter list for the next few winters. Kiefer gets the info he needs from Graem (or Gray as Jack calls him for some bizarre reason) and orders him to get the fuck up before more horrific torture becomes necessary.
Commercial break: uh, was a "Ghostrider" film really necessary? Well I guess if you've ever wanted to see a flaming skeleton ride a motorcycle up the side of a building, then yes, this movie is for you.
And we're back. Kiefer delivers the standard "you’re just going to have to trust me" line to Graem followed by a "copy that" to CTU. For those playing the 24 drinking game at home, that’s a full beer chug.
Meanwhile, back at what appears to be a kindergarten playground, (ok, fine it’s a detention facility) this Walid guy is officially the worst mole ever. I give him roughly 30 more minutes before an “Oz” style jail yard shanking ensues. The fact that Apples from “Good Will Hunting” and “Oz” is nearby only sweetens the deal.
I'm officially loving the Janosz/Gandalf dynamic. This won't end until they have a knife fight, followed by one of them defecating in the other's mouth. That's really the only logical conclusion.
More likely to be this season's token CTU mole: Morris or Nadia? I’m deeply suspicious of Morris’ damn-the-torpedoes chest hair, but the racial profiling dilemma subplot with Nadia is casting more suspicion on her in this episode.
Karen's resignation causes Wayne to play therapist, get angry, and then finally concede to her request. Excellent leadership there Mr. President. Fantastically bad goatee or not, this guy isn't fit to command a Carnival Cruise ship.
Back at the playground, ACLU lawyer Walid uses his previously unknown ninja skills to steal a cell phone which leads Apples to an Islamic website. Hmmm, I wonder how many militant Islamic websites exist out there with flaming Arabic text and large skulls in the background? I wonder what that website’s feelings about a kosher deli in Beirut would be? Nonetheless, the site is for wannabes, the lead is a dud, and Walid pays for it. Sherry Palmer version 6.0 goes ballistic.
Jack sneaks into the office, searches for some files on a computer, gets promptly cold cocked, and in steps James Cromwell. “That’ll do Jack, that’ll do.” (Ok, I promise that’s the first and last time I'll say that). How is it that Jack’s father is roughly twice as tall as he is? Was Mama Bauer a circus midget? By the way, it really irks me that Donald Sutherland couldn’t be bothered to play the role of Jack’s father. What could he possibly have been doing? Laying down a commentary track for “Animal House” where he discusses what the hell his motivation was for flashing his flabby ass in that one scene? Completely unacceptable.
Papa Bauer doesn't know where McCarthy is, thus prompting an argument. Ooooh, bad time by Graem to bring up the dead wife. Man I hate this guy. As Ms. Henderson chimes in:
“I knew Jack's brother was going to play dirty and you know why? Because they spelled his name as Graem. Who does that? Plus, all the characters that guy has played are pretty mean. I’m basing this off of his character on ER of course. He actually did play the shy whiny character in the movie FAME, but who cares.”
Okey-dokey then. Anyway, Graham double-crosses dad. Man this family is messed up beyond belief. Slight trust issues here, ya think? And as we close our episode, we see Jack and Papa Bauer tossed in a van and driven to their execution. Yeah, fucking best of luck with that assignment henchmen.
All in all, not a terrific episode. And yet somehow, the preview for next week’s episode keeps me hooked. Next ep, Jack to Graem: "you will experience pain I can't even describe." Coming from a guy who was once tortured so badly his heart stopped, that’s saying an awful lot.