Sunday, January 28, 2007

You know how I know you're gay? You pose for GQ.

This is why I don't read GQ anymore. To the left is a picture from a Gentleman's Quarterly (betcha didn't know that's what GQ was short for) photoshoot Mssrs. Wright and Reyes did a while back. Mmmkay. Not that there's anything wrong with that lifestyle, but do these jackasses know how fucking gay these pictures are? I assure you, the world can easily handle a gay baseball player, but last time I heard, these guys weren't, thus making these photos ridiculously unnecessary.

What, an organ grinder and a monkey (I'm channeling Zoolander here) weren't available? Was "Everybody's Working for the Weekend" blasting while the shoot was taking place? And when did the headbands from "The Royal Tennenbaums" become acceptable to wear in public? In fact, are we sure these pictures are from a GQ magazine, and not the previously unknown novel, "How to Become the Most Popular Guy in Prison"?

With the bats and what appear to be 1950's gang colors, they absolutely look like rejects from the 1979 classic, "The Warriors." ($10 if you didn't say "Waaaarrrrrriiiorsss, come out to pla-ay! to yourself when you first saw these photos). For the uninitiated, "The Warriors," despite having achieved cult movie status, is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. It's kind of like "West Side Story" without the romance and dancing or "The Outsiders" without all the messy drama. But hey, if you like synthesizers, leather, subways, baseball bats, chains, and honor then "The Warriors" is definitely for you. In short, it's not a good thing that a Mets photoshoot reminded me of this movie.

Look, I understand that with Mike Piazza gone, somebody has to reach out to the gay Mets fan demographic, but really, come on now... Couldn't Endy Chavez have just bit the bullet, posed for GQ, and spared us all the headache? Was it really necessary to compete with the shortstop and third baseman in the Bronx for the title of "Gayest Infield Players in Baseball"?

I know I kvetch an afwul lot. I've even been known to kvell on occasion. But I really am looking forward to a new baseball season. In fact, as the NY Giants' season progressed (read: spiralled wildly out of control), I began closing emails with "only ___ days until pitchers & catchers..." The thought of the frisky Phillies awakening the sleeping giant that is the 2007 Mets and the subsequent pummelling makes me smile. Just no more glam photo shoots in the meantime, ok? That's all I ask.

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Mike said...

As to The Warriors, you couldn't be more wrong if you wrote it while made-up like a Baseball Fury.

Read and learn.

Mike said...

Or you could always just read here if that link doesn't work:

(Damn, bad links can kill a comment on arrival.)

Adam said...

The Giants stink, The Warriors did indeed suck and I want my $10 Rickey!

By the way, Rickey, are you familiar with the story of how Rickey used to give Rickey's kids his per diem cash as bonuses if they made good grades? I want to read a post about it, it's friggin hilarious stuff. If you don't remember the story, shoot me an email.

Rollo said...

You're right about this much: The G-men did back into the playoffs. What a bunch of bums.

Rickey Henderson said...

Haha, no Adam, I hadn't heard that story. I need to do a compilation of Rickey Henderson stories at some point in the near future. Sorry Mike, "The Warriors" did nothing for me man.

And to Rollo, re: your claim that the Giants "backed into the playoffs"... I take serious issue with that statment. In actuality, they staggered drunkenly left of the playoffs, assfucked some transient escaped mental patient, contracted genital warts, and accidentally passed out on an escalator that happened to be playoff-bound.

(Just to clarify).

Anunzio said...

Thats some seriously funny stuff buddy. You're awesome.