Monday, January 29, 2007

The Horse, The!

I was gearing up for a 24-related post this evening and what happens? Barbaro, the celebrity horse goes and dies. Is it mere coincidence that only a mere 5 hours into Jack Bauer's return to the U.S. that Barbaro finally dies? I think not. This is Jack Bauer's world, and we just live in it - until he kills us. So now I feel obligated to discuss the national tragedy that is the death of Barbaro. Scratch that--I want to talk about total the nut jobs who post at this site.

First impressions: these people were writing messages to a horse. A horse (like any other horse) who can't read. And there's a whole lot of crazy in their messages. Here are a few of my favorite gems. My comments are in bold:

My heart is just breaking & my tears will not stop. Dear Beautiful Boy, May your journey across the Rainbow Bridge be painfree and now may you run with all of the other Champions that are waiting for you. God bless, Fancy Allen, 39; Richmond, VA [I don't know about you folks, but I always wanted to be eulogized by somone named "Fancy," wishing me across the Rainbow Bridge]

I can't describe the awesome whirlwind of emotions I've felt over the last eight months--you've given all of us so much strength. I plan to name my first child Barbaro, in hopes that he has half the heart that you did. Michael Sambuceti, 24; New York, NY [ok, well that's kinda creepy. I hope his first child is a boy, not a girl]

Goodbye, brave and beautiful boy! Go back to the wind, and nevermore have to tolerate the weakness and ignorance of mortal man! You're finally running in endless fields, at last....and in no more need of our prayers. Run on, Barbaro! Adela Henninger, 47; Rathdrum, ID, USA [getting weirder...]

Broken-hearted. Be free. God sustain those of us left behind. Rugby; New London, PA ["those of us left behind"? What is this, the freaking rapture?]

My sincere condolences for the Battle of your Barbaro A nation held its breath and waited for this magnificent creature to beat the odds He had lessons to teach before his final race He taught them well To Barbaro Always kati griffin, 26; Lenexa, KS, USA [uh, what? what the hell is that supposed to mean?]

Barbaro, you are no longer just a are a legend. After your courageous fight I hope you are in horse heaven in lush green pasture, able to run your heart out, because you truly showed how much heart a horse can have! Mary; Buena, NJ, USA [ok, these people are batshit crazy]

I like animals, but reading that board, you'd think an actual human had died. I hate to be the one to put things in perspective here, but didn't several more Marines die in Iraq this past weekend? Oh I see, but it wasn't of laminitis.... ahhhh. And what are these insane people going to do now that Barbaro is dead? Perhaps these Barabaro message board participants can focus on something more meaningful, the genocide in Darfur, for example, now that their celebrity horse has passed away. Eh, who am I kidding? They'll just continue to post more messages to Barbaro instead.

This whole thing made no damn sense to me when I read it. And then I realized the even greater tragedy: all accross America, cats are being neglected by crazy old ladies in mourning. I have no doubt Barabaro is indeed in a better place as we speak--because if I had crazy people like this writing to me, I'd be looking for the sweet silent embrace of death as well.

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The Jack Sack said...

(Overheard in a barn earlier today)

BARBARO'S VET: Look, we have to save the horse, he's in critical condition.

JACK BAUER: We don't have time for this-- DROP THE HORSE!

BARBARO'S VET: Wha? You want me to drop a horse?


BARBARO'S VET: But that's unethical, I could lose my license to practice animal medicine!

JACK BAUER: My name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal agent. I am authorized to give you a full pardon by the President.

BARBARO'S VET: Well, I'm going to have to see this in writing.


Rollo said...

You see what happens when you remove the mandrake root in a bowl of milk and two drops of blood from under Barbaro?

Rickey Henderson said...

To quote Vigo from Ghostbusters II:

"Death is but a door. Time a window. I'll be back"

We haven't seen the last of Barbaro

Anonymous said...

here's what barbaro looked like on the way to the glue factory:

Mike said...

these people were writing messages to a horse. A horse who can't read.

And what's even more absurd -- the damn horse couldn't even read before he died! I know it's probably too soon, but truth is truth: Barbaro, while charming, handsome, and ever-popular with the fillies, was as illiterate as Dexter Manley.

When he gets to heaven I hope he realizes he won't be the fastest horse forever, and gets his damn education.

Rickey Henderson said...

Somehow the life and death of this horse allows me some understanding of folks who think Saddam Hussein ordered the 9/11 attacks. Stupid representative democracy.

Rickey Henderson said...

In a related story, Alan Colmes (of Hannity & Colmes on Fox News) made a Barbaro joke last night. So of course all the rightwing Barbaro nuts (seriously, the majority of these people must be conservatives) start posting stuff like this:


Fantastic. Did the people at Fox News decide that Colmes wasn't quite enough of a despicable token libreral and tell him to say that?