Monday, March 22, 2010

What do you mean, "They cut the power"? How could they cut the power, man? They're animals!

It was a gorgeous weekend in Rickey’s neck of the woods and he rose to the occasion by making good on his pledge to get working on his garden. Is there anything better than spending a sunny afternoon ferrying to-and-fro from Home Depot and nailing together pieces of wood in the back yard? Rickey suspects not. There’s no way you can help but to feel like an alpha male when doing this sort of thing. Behold, an engineering marvel second only to the Hanging Gardens of Babylon: What you’re looking are several 3’x6’raised beds filled with a mixture of garden soil and manure. (After spending a day watching Rickey handling cow dung, Mrs. Henderson has taken to refer to him as her “shitty husband.”) Rickey fully expects that this rich black dirt, darker than the volcanic ashes of Mt. Vesuvius, will yield a bountiful harvest this year. …Well, that’s assuming the local fauna decide to leave anything for Rickey.

See, the very first night after Rickey sowed a bed with cucumber and spinach seeds, ravenous animals descended under cover of darkness to root up Rickey’s labors.


Sure, these critters were here well before Rickey moved in, but they don’t pay the taxes, and must therefore be subjugated to the will of man. Was the culprit the rabbit that Mrs. Henderson saw bounding under the shed out back, his hunger undeterred by her foolish Neville Chamberlainesque peace offering of baby carrots? We’re thinking yes, but other potential suspects include chipmunks, possums, and raccoons.

Rickey was considering arming himself against this menace, but purchasing a gun probably isn’t the best move here. Rickey has already bought a lot of fertilizer and is exploring the possibility of picking up high powered growlights as well. Add a firearm to that list, and well, we’ve got to believe that there’s some sort of FBI watch list that Rickey would be popping up in. So Rickey did the next best thing he could do—he installed chicken wire over the bed. Look at what Rickey hath wrought with his hands!
Now these babies are on LOCKDOWN. As impenetrable as a Russian gulag. There’s even a power outlet right next to the beds should Rickey feel the inclination to electrify them!

After this grueling work, Rickey celebrated with a BBQ. We think we’ll just let these pictures speak for themselves.

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Bob said...

I will wait for a firearm recommendation from Smitty or Steve.

I am thinking AR-15, albeit overkill.

Mrs. Smitty said...

Roasting peeps sounds like a great idea. I'm disappointed, although not surprised, it didn't work.

Rickey Jr. said...

Those beds look HOT! what about planting sorrel?

Adam said...

This has shades of "Caddyshack" written all over it.

"License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote."

Rickey Henderson said...

Bob: Rickey was leaning more towards a Daewoo USAS-12 shotty. Great spread and fully automatic. Perfect for small backyard varmints, as well as troublesome solicitors!

Mrs Smitty: the peeps did work out fairly well. A little caramelized crust and a gooey interior. Not bad. Not smores, but not bad.

Jr: Sorrel! Jesus, Rickey damned near forgot!

Adam: see Rickey's alarmingly militant response to Bob for confirmation of your suspicions.

Adam said...

Duuuude.... "Halo Wars: The Bunny Hunt" is not cool! Poor little bunnies!

Smitty said...

I have a squirrel pelt on my desk at work that I shot with a .45 acp. It liked to walk around with its little scratchy nails on my air conditioner many years ago.

Nice work on your garden. I wholly condone adding "spark" to the metal fence you put over the veggies to protect them. These critters are rodents and there is a gazillion of them.

steves said...

Setting aside the whole illegality of using a firearm in a non-rural area for pest control, I would go with a suppressed .22 so that you don't bother your neighbors and they call the police.

Chris C said...

I gave your post some props on my fan page. :)

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