Sunday, April 11, 2010

Adventures in Homeownership: In Which a Harmless Piece of Wall Art Goes Horrifically Awry

Rickey enjoys decorating his new home. So much so that Rickey went so far as to find a local area map of his neighborhood, order a print of it online, and commission it framed to be framed and mounted on on a wall. A stylish frame was selected, the proper matte color was picked, and Rickey was content in the knowledge that this would make a great addition to the house. Rickey is nothing if not stylistically inclined. Behold:
And under normal circumstances, the story would have ended right here. But not today. Take a good look at the above picture.

But look carefully at the image. No, closer. Closer.
See it? Woo boy. No, your eyes do not deceive you. It looks exactly what you think it looks like. Man-cock. After all that effort picking out the map, framing it, and mounting it, Rickey suddenly realized that he had hung a gigantic 48" x 34" print of a male dong on his living room wall.

How did this chain of events come to pass? We're not entirely sure. But over $800 dollars later, that's what Rickey is stuck with: a textbook anatomy picture of the male reproductive organ front and center in Rickey's new house. Oh, joy. This will make for interesting conversation at the housewarming party.

You know what Rickey blames this on the breakdown of? SOCIETY.

First off, there was the cartographer circa 1819, sitting pretty in his aerial balloon, who went totally off the reservation and decided to sketch a map in the exact likeness of his own privates. Then, there was Rickey's realtor, who completely neglected to inform the Hendersons that they were purchasing a house in an area that geographically personifies a dude's penis. And finally, there was the guy at the framing store, who in good conscience, should have said something along the lines of "whoa there buddy, you're about to drop a shitload of money framing a massive print of a man's genitals." But he didn't.
And so every one of these safety nets failed Rickey, and now here he is, stuck with an enormous picture of a dude's dong on his wall. Well, fuck. At least Rickey didn't splurge on the UV resistant museum glass option for $400 more. Still, Rickey is stuck with a piece of wall art that looks like it came fresh from the Phallic Picture Emporium.

Where exactly is Rickey's house located on the map? Best as Rickey can figure, it's swimming around somewhere in the descending testicle. For comedic purposes alone, Rickey still hung the damn thing up on the wall.

Rickey is yours to mock in the comments section below.

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Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...

What a dick!

You could emulate your hero John Ashcroft and cover it up with a big fig leaf cut out of green construction paper


You could relish the fact that you are (hopefully) hung a whole lot better than that pathetic penninsula


You could wonder why that pathetic penninsula is limp given that there appears to be a vagina right across the Hudson that is sporting a massive bush and a prominent clitoris


You could sit back in your recliner and gaze at it longingly, during those quiet times when your wife is working and there are no 1-inch metallic wolfmen to paint, and remember those carefree days and long, hot nights spent with your fraternity brothers

or you could watch the Mets.

Bob said...

Leave it up. Your neighborhood is what it is.

$800 bucks? Next time go to I framed a slightly smaller poster with all the archival quality goodies (UV glass, acid-free, etc.) for $250 with double mats.

Bob said...

Oops, that's singular:

Anonymous said...

You've been staring at that map too long, my friend.

Bob said...

You know, North doesn't have to be toward the top of the map.

Mike said...

I think it was Freud who said "sometimes a peninsula is just a peninsula."

Or perhaps it was "and what does it MEAN to you sir, that you live on a giant penis?"

Smitty said...

Rickey suddenly realized that he had hung a gigantic 48" x 34" print of a male dong on his living room wall.

I still haven't stopped laughing about this.

We all knew Florida was America's wang; who knew the same to be said of your peninsula to New York??

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upstate met fan said...

Hi Ricky, I leave you alone for a year and you go crazy on me with these maps. But at least you didn't buy pictures of Ollie and put them up on your wall.