Tuesday, May 11, 2010

This Week, in Zombie News

Rickey gets a little queasy when publishing companies start taking their cues from internet memes. What’s the latest hot trend in the fringe literary world? Zombies! More specifically, the zombification of cherished properties. While we do not debate the contributions that a novel such as “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” makes to society and we’re certainly a little curious about “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” we can’t help but wonder what the point in all this is. And that takes us to the latest installment in the zombie book craze: ZOMBIE BEATLES (the actual title is “Paul is Undead”).

Rickey’s going to venture a wild guess that the estates of John Lennon and George Harrison might have a thing or two to say about a novel featuring their rotting corpses ambling about. Paul probably heard the news and went back to strumming a mandolin and whistling. Ringo’s just happy anybody remembered to include him in the book. Not that Rickey is a big Beatle maniac or anything (their proto boy band was essentially a zombie operation of sorts) but still, this venture seems to be in fantastically bad taste.

So Rickey, no stranger to bad fantastically taste himself, will hop in the fray with a few zombie novel pitches of his own:

ZOMBIE SALIERI! 185 years since his passing, the oft overlooked musician’s reanimated corpse rises from the grave seeking much needed critical validation! Hungry for redemption, Zombie Salieri attempts to mimic the musical stylings of Ke$ha only to be met with lukewarm reception. Following a Z100 interview gone horrifically awry, Zombie Salieri is soon forgotten and suffers the indignity of playing second fiddle to the likes of La Roux and Timbaland! When will Zombie Salieri get the critical acclaim he so sorely desires???

ZOMBIE WINNIE THE POOH! When a global honey shortage strikes, the determined bear puts down the sweet stuff, roars “OH BOTHER!” and turns to brains for nourishment! You’ll look at this cherished children’s property in a whole new light when you read of Winnie playing “Poohsticks” with Piglet’s dismembered arms!

ZOMBIE BILL O’REILLY! Forsaking the terror of socialized healthcare, the famed television pundit neglects to schedule a prostate cancer screening and perishes shortly thereafter! Several months later, following a clandestine graveside summoning conducted by Anne Coulter, Michelle Bachmann, and Laura Ingraham, a vengeful ZOMBIE O’REILLY bursts free from the ground and slowly shuffles after the pinheads who have wronged him over the course of his corpulent former life! Lookout libs, ZOMBIE O’REILLY stalks the earth!

ZOMBIE ERNEST HEMINGWAY! It’s a farewell to arms indeed as the wrathful writer escapes his earthy confines and takes up residence in Key West, Florida to conclude his unfinished book! The bell tolls for any who dare approach the undead Hemingway and his army of zombie cats!

ZOMBIE WEREWOLVES! Thought you’d dealt with that werewolf problem in your basement? Think again, they’re back—as zombies! They’re the ultimate double threat! (Well, actually not really, since they’re zombies now and move pretty slowly and can’t catch you. But they do smell pretty bad so you’re probably going to want to go ahead and call Animal Control to take them away).

ZOMBIE MILLARD FILLMORE! Territorial neutrality, be damned! There can be no "great compromise" when the rotting corpse of President Millard Fillmore is on the prowl for brains! When there’s no more room in Hell, the Whigs shall walk the earth!

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5 comments:

Smitty said...

Zombie Salieri was hysterical. Embittered by his losing battle against the completely insane genius of W.A. Mozart, Salieri returns to prove his genius over today's pop stars.

However, he finds he can only write in minor keys. Metalheads rejoice, and therein he finds solace among the nerds and misfits of the underground metal scene. Plus, he's a zombie, so they fucking love him.

Rickey Henderson said...

Ahhhhh, well done Smitty, you put it even better than Rickey could.

Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...

Tell your agent that "a collaboration is being thought of."

A Zombie at Pooh Corner - I draw a pretty good Pooh. This concept is bank.

The Old Man and the Sea and a Zombie - Joe DiMaggio shows up as a zombie to help Santiago with his Marlins. Not so bank but more fun.

Jay said...

Harry Potter and the Zombie of Secrets: Sadly, no one noticed the difference. "His character was always kind of ponderous and one-dimensional, don't you think?"

Hitchhikers' Guide to Zombies - One of Zaphod's heads is killed in a freak accident involving a gold brick and a lemon, but it comes back to eat the brains of his other head, to frighten the ravenous bugblatter beast of traal, and to terrorize Fenchurch Street Station.

Rickey Henderson said...

Oh, you know you've hit the nerderey sweet spot when commenters start dreaming up zombified versions of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!