Friday, January 15, 2010

The Mandatory Real Estate Closing Post Which I am Unable to Come Up with A Witty Title For

I have done a great many things in my life.

I have swum with dolphins. I have been yelled at by Andy Rooney to quit smoking. I have been jailed for driving on a suspended driver's license. I have dyed my hair blond. I've climbed to the top of a frat house roof and yelled "you can't run off ugly!" at a passing jogger. I have read "Ulysses." I have wed, and shortly thereafter, I have traded my wife for a horse. I have grown a beard. I have worked in libraries, restaurants, materials testing companies, housing agencies, and government entities. I have picked the names for my two nonexistent sons. I have attended Palm Sundays and Passovers. I have been a recluse, a socialite, and a gleeful introvert. I have never once gotten through an entire issue of the New Yorker. I have seen Paul Oakenfold spin at the Ministry of Sound. I have broken my sibling's arm. I have learned how to tie a windsor knot. I have vomited consecutively in three adjacent bathroom sinks. I have watched Carlos Beltran get called out on strikes. I have seen old cats put down and young pups brought up. I have voted Democrat in every election save one instance when I crossed party lines to vote for the judge who officiated my wedding. I have clogged toilets 347 times in my life*. I have stood within thirty feet of Keanu Reeves and Katie Holmes. I have joined a gym. I have never knocked on wood. I have watched the sun set in the Valley of Fire. I have been three feet away from a moving propeller while scuba diving. I have played three instruments. I have plagiarized. I have been linked to by the New York Times. I have learned to enjoy eating swiss chard. I have dived headfirst into the water from the upper deck of a pirate ship. I have reached the rank of Master Mason. I have born witness to countless acts of deceit and love. I have seen the green flash. I have been called "Rickey," "Fluffer," and "The Phantom Shitter." I have donated blood. I have almost been struck by lightning at the summit of Mt. Helvellen. And I stand here before you, a moderately better man for it all.

But, friends, the one thing I have not done is purchase land. Today, all that changes. Today, the wifey and I acquire a third of an acre of 100% unadulterated manifest destiny Americana. Our very first plot of land. And hey, there just happens to be a nice little structure with four walls and a roof sitting on it! That's right, today, we buy our first house. Needless to say, I'm pretty goddamned excited. As we speak, things are being stowed away in boxes and naturally, I'm following the old adage of making certain that the corkscrew is readily accessible once we unpack. Priorities, people. And with that, I'm off to the closing to sign a million pieces of paper until my arm goes numb and my bank account runs dry. Wish us well.

*OK, that one is kind of a guesstimate really.

Stumble Upon Toolbar

10 comments:

Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...

When you write that you have witnessed countless acts of deceit and love, you mean, like on TV.

Closings are zen.

Sassdawg. said...

Ricky,

I hope it's not too late. I'd skip it.

Smitty said...

Congrats Hendersons! Ah, the joys of home ownership....fixing broken stuff, HVAC systems going out, floods, sewage backups into basements, eaves and downspout cleanings, mowing, snow-blowing, shingle repair...

Mrs. Smitty said...

Congrats! I would leave the corkscrew and go for a pop top though - your hands will hurt and eyes will cross after all the f-ing paperwork.

P.S. do NOT read the number under "final amount paid over 30 years" Seriously, don't do it.

Bob said...

I have reached the rank of Master Mason.

Really? Thats a blog post, even if it has something to do with bricks.

Bob said...

Congrats on the House. You will probably never buy a house in a better market, with a lower interest rate for the rest of your life.

Adam said...

You both have my most heartfelt congratulations.

Rickey Henderson said...

Thanks everybody. We just got back from celebrating and are absolutely thrilled. Tomorrow, the schlepping commences.

Rickey Jr. said...

you also got chastised by joe jirardi, attempted to flood your neighbors yard, and dove off a canoe.

Anonymous said...

酒店 台北酒店
酒店兼職 打工兼差 酒店工作
禮服店 酒店經紀
酒店上班 酒店兼差 酒店PT 酒店打工