Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Rickey's Letter to the Landlady Attempting to Break His Apartment Lease

January 13, 2010

Dear Aged She-Wench of Indeterminate Eastern-Bloc Descent,

Rickey is writing to inform you that in the event a replacement tenant is not secured before March 15, 2010 to assume Rickey’s lease agreement with you, Rickey fully intends to terminate his lease on that date. While Rickey understands that his current lease agreement is binding through October of 2010, Rickey is simply unable to pay both the mortgage on his newly purchased house in addition to rent at your incomparably shitty property for a longer period of time than this. Rickey’s Xbox Live subscription fees and Warhammer 40K expenses are simply too high to accommodate both a mortgage and lease simultaneously, you see. Having been born under the reign of the Hapsburg Empire, one can safely assume that you are unfamiliar with these entities as well as modern concepts of property ownership altogether, however please rest assured that this does not negate their existence.

As per your request, Rickey provided you with two months notice on November 30, 2009 that he intended to vacate the premises on January 31, 2010. Granted, Rickey had indulged himself heavily in a bottle of Harvey’s Bristol Cream Sherry at the time and was somewhat difficult to comprehend. Nonetheless, notice was given and to date, a replacement tenant has yet to be found.

Rickey understands that this is a difficult time of year to secure new tenants and therefore is willing to continue to pay rent to you for up to an additional two months after closing on his new house on January 15, 2010. Rickey will also forfeit his security deposit of one month’s rent in the event that a new tenant is not found. This constitutes a full three months rent. Rickey believes that in your unidentifiable yet vaguely Germanic country, one would refer to this offer as fair and reasonable and possibly even “das große Los ziehen!” Or something like that.

Rickey feel that this constitutes a perfectly acceptable offer and has been a tenant in good financial standing with you and pays his monthly rent in a timely fashion. Rickey has been tolerant of your decision to bake bread each and every calendar day of the year and you have been tolerant of Rickey’s reluctance to wear pants or draw the shades to the apartment, all the while bellowing “No-Pants Henderson!” at high volume.

Rickey is hopeful that a new tenant will be found prior to him vacating the premises and has made good faith efforts to facilitate this by placing an advertisement for your apartment rental on Craigslist with the permission of your realtor. Rickey’s also posted the ad under the “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist, and apologizes in advance in the event that a burly man named George shows up at your doorstep and informs you that he is “seeking fellow grizzlies.”

Rickey will return the keys to the apartment on March 15, 2010. Prior to that, Rickey would appreciate it if you would schedule an inspection of the rental unit before he vacates to ensure that you are satisfied with its condition and that it meets your strict Teutonic standards. Rickey trusts that you will be tolerant of the maps of the Dharma facilities from “LOST” that Rickey painted on most of the walls. In Rickey’s defense, these maps are only visible in the event of a new tenant installing black lights throughout the apartment.

Rickey thanks you in advance for your time and consideration.


Rickey "No-Pants" Henderson

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Smitty said...

I can't wait for the reply.

I am afraid her response will be this

Adam said...

Oh, that's perfect. Don't change a fucking word!

Bob said...

I play a lawyer on TV, so I advise you not to actually tell her you will pay extra. F-that.

Rickey Henderson said...

Adam: what do you mean don't change a thing? As Rickey's unofficial lawyer, aren't you supposed to be reviewing this shit?

Bob: And run the risk of her coming after Rickey in court? Rickey's not too eager about that...

Adam said...

My $400/hr comments are forthcoming...

Rickey Henderson said...

$400 per hour?! How about a ham sammwhich and a hearty handshake?

steves said...

$400/hour. Hell, I'll do it for half that, though I am not licensed in your state.

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