Tuesday, January 19, 2010

How Rickey Spent His Weekend: Adventures in Homeownership, Part I

The Hendersons spent the weekend schlepping boxes and other assorted miscellany into their new home. Rickey’s back hurts but his spirits are high. We’ll put up a series of pictures as soon as the interior is in a little better shape, but not yet, because it is not yet finished and in its current condition is unworthy of your critical eyes. We’re talking hideous 70’s carpeting and a paint scheme badly in need of an update.

A quick peek under the carpet reveals…

PAY DIRT. You’re looking at oak hardwood floors. Red oak, to be precise. Study and rich enough to have been felled from the forbidden forests of Mirkwood. Rickey apologizes to you ginger tops out there, but this discovery represents the only time a red tinged variety of anything has possessed any measure of social worth.

It never ceases to amaze Rickey that people carpet over perfectly good hardwood. Yes, there’s the age old excuse of “they had kids,” but so what? Do the floors need to be covered in bubble wrap in order to safely raise a child? Rickey thinks not. Rickey looks forward to the day when he can sit his son on his lap and sagely advise him, “Boy, life is hard… and so are our floors.”

So the Hendersons are calling in a professional to finish these stunning timbers with a triple coat of semi gloss polyurethane. Then they find a painter in to work their magic on the walls. Before any of that can occur however, there was a little item to attend to.
Yeah, what the fuck indeed. Who puts a half wall directly to the left of an entryway? Yes, if the Hendersons were operating a Chinese takeout business from their house, this would be perfect, but they’re not, so this ugly bastard simply had to go. And so, a hammer was hefted and the proper attire was donned. That’s right, it’s Bob Villa time, bitches.
Just a half a year ago Rickey was telling wedding guests that he’d be mailing them tiny little cards with the web address of a flickr account to upload their photos of the wedding to. All together now, everyone: fuck. that. shit. That was not the sort kind of thing that Rickey was put on this earth to do. This demolition thing? Far more enjoyable. Drywall is a helluva lot easier (and fun) to punch through than one might suspect. It appears to be hard and yet it's spongy and gives way easily, much like Carlos Beltran's right knee.

Keeping up the intensity.

Sometimes, Rickey would peer at the wood like this, as if it would somehow give deeper insight on it's motivation and how it would best come apart.

What, you mean to tell Rickey that Calvin Kliens aren't appropriate attire for a work site? Note Rickey's wombat-like grasp on this piece of wood.


And here are the shots where Rickey looks like an 80 year old man:

Push, wench, push!

Yeah, you know what honey? Maybe it's not a such a hot idea to hammer that live 200 volt electrical outlet...
And here's your obligatory awkward concluding shot:

Just look at how much more space we have for ACTIVITIES!

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Adam said...

What's that stuff hanging outside your front window? Looks like your house is being consumed by the teeth of a large beast!

Good work teaming up to show that half-wall who's boss. Next time wear gloves, use a mallet and show more butt-crack.

Bob said...

FYI- Bob Villa is a know-it-all asshole.

Now if you want to compare yourself to Norm Abram, then that would be a compliment.

Good luck on the house. It looks like a real find: A house with good bones, but ugly and easily-replaceable ugly carpet.

Mrs. Smitty said...

Our first house had nice hard wood floors underneath ugly crappy pink carpet. We took way too long to remove that carpet. We also had a kid while living in said house with hardwood floors, he seems to have survived just fine. And hardwood is a lot easier to clean up various kid-related messes!

Congrats again! There's nothing quite like spending that first night in your new house. Even home improvement projects are more fun when it's yours.

Bob said...

Kids will learn to crawl faster on carpet from our experience.

Rickey Henderson said...

Adam: that stuff hanging in the front window is lace. The previous owner had a country motive going on with the house.

...In unrelated news, anybody want a gaggle of fake lawn ducks?

Bob: not a Villa fan, eh? Rickey needs to check out the Norm Abram fellow you speak of. The bones to the house are indeed strong and yet there's tons of opportunity for improvement. Quite ideal.

Mrs. Smitty: many thanks! We can't wait to move our furniture in next Saturday and officially start living in our new house!

Bob said...

BTW - Buy a 3 foot steel demolition bar for future projects. It makes it easier and more fun and will cost about $15.


George said...

Some upsetting news in here, Ricky. I was just about to head over and pick up some moo goo gai pan.

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