Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Lo, How the Mighty Have Fallen: Luke Wilson's Latest AT&T Commercial

Who offers the best 3G experience? Let’s compare. AT&T runs the nation’s fastest 3G network, lets you talk and surf the web at the same time, offers the most popular smart phones, and access to over 100,000 apps. So when you compare, there’s really no comparison. Whew, just pointing at stuff is exhausting these days… Man, I really need to drop some of this weight. Anyway, just look at some of these nifty postcards from people who actually get service on our network! Crazy, right?

[long pause]

Ahem. Everybody still here? OK good, because the iPhone exclusive deal with AT&T will expire some day and when that happens, there’s a good chance the Mac cultists in Cupertino are going to want to sell their Jesus-Phone to a carrier that doesn’t trigger a singularity when Roy in Toledo attempts to check the local sports scores in Des Moines.
I’m not talking out of school when I tell you that things aren’t exactly being managed well in this company. Every wonder what the ‘A’ in AT&T stands for? It’s Algernon. No lie. What the hell is that shit? Doesn't even make any sense!
Do you think I enjoy shilling for a lousy phone company and being more hated than the Progressive Auto Insurance chick? Well, I don't.

Let me take you though a day in the life of Luke Wilson. I wake up, I have a good cry, then I drive to the studio and film 47 AT&T commercials, each one more insipid than the last. They give me 30 minutes for lunch which I’ll usually spend enjoying a nice egg salad sandwich and trying not to think about the fact that the phrase “Fat Luke Wilson” generates 179,000 Google page hits. A couple dozen more AT&T commercials in the afternoon, then I go home, resume my squinty-eyed weeping and wait patiently by the phone for Wes Anderson to call and ask me to star in one of his movies.

....Ole’ Wes doesn’t call as much these days.

Nobody does. My brother Owen "I'm So Talented Because I Was Cast in Night in the Museum II" Wilson switched over to Gmail like three months ago and never told me. That's just wrong, man. Wrong. I'll tell ya, being the Fredo Corleone of the family is even worse when your brother is more like Joe Piscopo than Al Pacino.

How’d I get this gig with AT&T? When I read the casting call looking for someone who possessed an aura of "completely irrelevant authority," and "excelled at making unspecified vague comparisons" I knew this was a perfect fit for me. Also, I happened to be washing the ad exec’s car that day.

Look, it’s not easy being known as the plumper and much less talented Tom Cruise and I had to take what I could get. I’d tell you that this gig was a well paying one, but my lawyer fell asleep at the wheel and missed the contract clause stipulating that AT&T pay me in rum and frozen hamburger patties. Damn you, Rick Cardozo, Esq!

Would you believe that RON LIVINGSTON actually turned this gig down?! Fuck my life. You think that I enjoy being the pitchman for a company with a network that operates via a slow moving raccoon carrying a basket of ones and zeros around its neck? Shit, there he goes! Just scurrying around like he's king of the world!
Would you believe that furry little prick grossed more last year than I did? Oh you gotta be kidding me, he just stole the egg salad sandwich I packed for lunch!

Sigh… it’s OK, I didn’t need it anyway…. I'll just have a chef's salad or something, I guess. So in conclusion, I’d just like to say that I feel honored to be an AT&T spokesman. We have, like, uh, telephone poles and wires and shit.

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Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...

I enjoyed this post.

If I was Donald Trump, I would pay Luke Wilson and the Progressive Auto Insurance chick to do things together that amuse me.

Adam said...

Ron Livingston is the Laurence Olivier of our time. But didn't Olivier do "Clash of the Titans?" Ok, Livingston is the Orson Welles of our time... no, Welles did "TransFormers: The Movie" as his last role. Harrison Ford? No... crap, they all sell-out eventually!

Great post, brother. Very funny.

Smitty said...

It all started with Jamie Lee Curtis pushing <a hrewf=">a digestive system regulator</a>.

Now the mighty Luke Wilson?

Who's next?? Uma Thermon?

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