Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Your Obligatory Wedding Update: The "Groom Under Pressure" Edition

Weddings make already crazy people do even crazier things than they normally would. Take last night for example—Rickey was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway and running late for a wedding-related task. Rather than wait for the traffic to subside like a normal person, Rickey drove onto the shoulder and gunned it (those rumble strips feel fun when you continuously drive over ‘em at 45mph). In his hasty and highly illegal detour, Rickey drove past an ambulance, and a whole lotta pissed off commuters, including one guy who hollered: “you’re a bad person!” Well that fellow clearly wasn't in possession of all the facts. Good… bad… Rickey’s the guy with the tuxedo ties that need to be picked up. This sort of thing transcends good and evil.

In case you weren’t aware, Rickey takes this whole wedding thing quite seriously. Why should Ms. Henderson be the sole decision maker here? The poor girl is already busy enough responding to everyone on the face of the planet asking her if she’s eager for her wedding (this happens so frequently that she’s debating creating a t-shirt stating “yes, I’m excited about my wedding, now piss off you bastards.”) And this is where Rickey steps in, fine-tuning the playlist, finalizing the rental order, typing up escort cards, and generally doing things that you wouldn’t expect a guy who plays 35 hours of Halo a week to do. But let’s be honest now, if Rickey is unable to pick out a suitable color for the goddamned cocktail napkins at a wedding, then what possible chance does he have of purchasing a house and raising a family?

And so Rickey springs into action, studiously taking every boxed wedding gift inside the apartment and stacking them neatly (the Henderson’s living room now resembles the warehouse at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark”). Other tasks prove challenging. Sweet fancy moses, has Ms. Henderson neglected to write a thank you card to the person who bought that crucial All-Clad cheese grater off the registry? That shit needs to be looked into pronto! Was that ballroom dancing class scheduled for tonight or is tonight the night the Hendersons are meeting with their caterer? Does a mic stand at a wedding ceremony look tacky? Is powder blue the right hue for the tuxedo ties for Rickey’s groomsmen? Questions like this keep Rickey up at night. Quick, time to consult this wayward fucker.

All in all, you get the picture. Rickey’s got 18 days left before he gets hitched and, as they say… shit just got real.

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7 comments:

Haley said...

Good gravy, man -- pull it together!

::smack::

I find that deep breathing, delegating duties, and a shot of whiskey every hour on the hour to be a pretty effective means of coping with co-planning my sister's wedding...which... is in freaking 18 days!?!?! ARGHHHH! Why did you have to remind me!! Where's my whiskey????

Smitty said...

You are adding, in my estimation, an appropriate level of urgency and detail to your tasks.

If you mess up just one little thing you are given and are not able to side-step it or correct it, you will never be taken seriously again by your spouse. This is your one time to show you can be competent and self-sufficient.

Dropping the ball now will subject you to a life of draconian oversight and hand-holding.

Performing well now will allow you to coexist mostly stress-free. You will be able to an and take vacations, even with friends, with little oversight, among many other rewards.

You will do well Rickey. We have faith in you.

Adam said...

As someone who got a $80 ticket for riding on the shoulder 7 years ago, I am sad to say I was proud of you for pulling that maneuver.

And Bale praise you for quoting a Michael Bay movie in your post about the wedding. I look forward to future installments of BayWedding.

Toasty Joe said...

As someone who's been there, my only advice is this: Let Mrs. Henderson and her mom do EVERYTHING. Just show up wherever and whenever your're told.

Rickey Henderson said...

Haley, welcome to the wonderful world of wedding planning!

Adam, you were able to spot a "Bay Boys II" reference but the "Army of Darkness" line in this blog post got past you? Wow.

Smitty: Rickey's with you.

Toasty: As much as he'd love to be, Rickey is not.

Mr Furious said...

Smitty's right. I dropped the ball and...well...just go by Mrs F's site once in a while and you'll get the picture...

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