Sunday, March 7, 2010

It's Been a Slow Simmer...

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and pieces of advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy our latest installment of....


Being in a new house is challenging enough. But stumbling around this wholly unfamiliar place in the dark bumping into things because you don't want to wake your spouse up by turning on the lights? Now that's brutal. "Now let's see... were there six steps here or eight...? Aughh crap, I've misjudged, and down I go!" The Hendersons need night-lights, badly.

That all email clients disable the "mark unread" function on their services. There are two varieties of people that this button is designed for: serial procrastinators and husbands who like to peek at their wives' messages when they inadvertently leave their email up. What? What's the problem here? Rickey just likes to know what's going on in Mrs. Henderson's life. Screw you people for judging!

Lubriderm Intense Skin Repair Lotion. The cold winter months have taken a toll on Rickey's skin and he now has dragon scales for skin around his hips. It's either the cold weather explanation or Rickey's skin is stretching out as his hips plumpen to accommodate his nascent pear-shaped physique. Whatever. Ever gone out in public with a grown man who scratches himself constantly and glares angrily at passers by while doing so? Yeah, well Mrs. Henderson doesn't much want to either. If you or a loved one suffer from similar symptoms, we recommend some skin lotion. It doesn't have to have that weird "it puts the lotion in the basket!" connotation if you don't let it...

Williams Sonoma Chili Starter.
Look, sometimes you don't want to craft an entire chili from scratch, and that's where this jar comes in to play. You brown your meat, mix in a jar of this Texas chili sauce, and let the concoction simmer for a few hours. The results are alarmingly good. Cheating? Well, yeah, but nobody's ever got to know, right?
Remember when the internet was still wonderfully untamed and exciting before we made it a boring place by imposing order on it with our categorized bookmarks and regimented RSS readers? Chatroulette harkens back to those heady days. It's the sputnik of the internet world, and it's terrific. We're talking some serious wild west stuff here. To attempt to describe it would ruin all the fun. We give it about another week before it's shut down for good.

Jesus, how is it that none of you people have recommended this band to Rickey earlier? Sure, we've talked about mothers here. And we've also talked about wolves. But we have not talked about WOLFMOTHER, easily one of the best bands currently on the market. Do you enjoy Queens of the Stone Age? How about the White Stripes? If so, woo boy, do we have a band for you. If their song "Vagabond" doesn't screw your head on right then we're sorry, but there's simply no helping you and Rickey pities you for the pitiful fool that you are.

Gargling with mouthwash AFTER you brush your teeth.
We know, it's crazy talk, but bear with Rickey would you please? Mrs. Henderson has been doing this for years and she's had pretty good results thus far.

The "500 Days of Summer" Soundtrack. For those of the indie persuasion we think you'll agree that there's not a weak song in it. Just great stuff.

The cheese counter at Whole Foods.
At Rickey's nearby Whole Foods, within a space of 20 feet, there exists a gourmet olive bar, an artisinal beer section, and a fancy cheese counter. Rickey has taken to refer to this section of the supermarket as "THE HOT CORNER." In the world we inhabit, there's simply no way you can pass this area by and not purchase at least 5 items. Best of all, the cheese counter is one of those places where you can sample the goods before you buy 'em. Rickey and Ms. Henderson tasted a tangy goat cheese and a nice Italian sheep's milk cheese. The guy behind the counter called over the grocery stocker for a bite and all four of them had a nice pensive little moment together, enjoying their cheese and crackers like grown ups. Then Rickey left, purchasing a whopping 1/10th of a pound of each.

Restoration Hardware.
Pricey? Yes. But godamned if they don't craft some of the finest window treatments (for you neophytes, that's a fancy phrase for curtains and rods) on the market. When the big guy upstairs draws back the curtains to reveal rosy fingered dawn each and every morning, we imagine he's using Restoration Hardware window treatments. But he's probably paying wholesale prices we're thinking.

FIRE. The Hendersons got the basement chimney working! (By the way, every post here at RwR will revolve around home improvement from now on. Fair warning.) Does it matter that opening the flue and starting a fire is effectively sucking all the warm air up the chimney and out of the house? Absolutely not. Look, it's FIRE!

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Anonymous said...

Nice to see you got that broken damper fixed. You did fix it, right?

Rickey Henderson said...

Yep, we had a chimney guy come and fix it. Next on the docket: a fireplace insert.

Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...

Your award winning chili comes from a can?


Rickey Henderson said...

Wrong! Rickey's award winning chili is home crafted from scratch! This was just a minor experiment!

Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...

With Chilipalooza only a week or two away, the timing of this is perfect.

What do you have that I want?

Remember, I know you traded your first wife for a pony ride...

Smitty said...

We are thrilled that you are back on the internets. We didn't bother you, thinking that the past month has been nothing but home improvement chaos.

Adam said...

Fuck it, I support the chili starter product-- these chili wars need to end so that we can enter into a new era of peace and love. Our children deserve a chili-war-free world.

Mrs. Smitty said...

I am so very jealous of your Whole Foods. As a person who got a cheese sampler from Zingerman's for Valentines Day and was excited about it, the "Hot Corner" sounds like my little piece of shopping heaven. And we aren't lucky enough to have a Whole Foods here.

(P.S. Wiliams-Sonoma has a pot roast starter too, I'd recommend that too.)

Bob said...

"I am so very jealous of your Whole Foods."

Ef it. Whole Foods, also known as "whole paycheck" can be replicated by the many health food stores and even organic produce sections at major chains. By wife would disagree but I just cannot justify the expense.

BTW - Whole Foods, grass-fed beef is awful. Give me a big, fat hunk of corn fed, artery-clogging cow any day. Their steaks taste like they are seasoned with actual grass.

Rickey Henderson said...

@Mrs. Smitty: Uh, what in the hell is Zingermans? Did you later frequent F.W. Woolworths for some hardtack and epsom salts?

@Bob: Ron from Parks & Rec, is that you?

But yeah, Whole Foods is prohibitively expensive and the Hendersons shop there five times a year if that. The meats do taste markedly better however. Rickey used their stew meat for his recent chili and hot damn was it good. It had marbilization and everything. Mmmmm.

Speaking of Whole Foods, there's a great profile on their nutjob owner in a recent New Yorker issue if any of you guys are interested:

Mrs. Smitty said...

Zingerman's is a great locally owned deli type store in Ann Arbor, MI (and on the web...). They have an amazing cheese counter too and I love cheese.

Bob - it's not necessarily the whole foods I miss, it's the availability of wide variety quality cheese (and the taste testing) that is not cheddar or pre-shredded.