Your Weekly Dose of "24"

Well it's Tuesday, and you know perfectly well what that means. It’s time for Rickey to try to cut down on the third person shenanigans and crank out a write up on this week's thrilling episode of "24." So sit back, relax (well, as much as humanly possible while watching this show) and enjoy counting the damnits.

First off, let me say that the “Previously on 24” segments need to be re-worked. Is anyone else tired of Bill Buchanan’s picture being flung up on the screen and the label “CTU” slapped on his picture? This is Bill Buchanan we’re talking about people—a hard working middle manager who cuts through all the bureaucratic government red tape. (Rickey can attest to the fact that not all civil servants behave in this manner). For his efforts, Bill deserves better than being labeled “CTU.” The cast introduction at the beginning of each episode should be similar to what the NFL does to introduce the teams’ offensive and defensive lines, with video shots of each cast member proudly announcing their roles in the show and their respective alma maters:

Bill Buchanan. CTU Director. Michigan University.
Chloe O’ Brien. Socially Inept Computer Analyst. Vassar College.
Jack Bauer. CTU Agent. School of Ridiculously Hard Knocks.

It could happen, right? Eh, let's move on.

After taking all of 3 minutes to rescue Graem’s wife and Milo, Jack turns to Marilyn and decides to choke her for information. Someone needs to tell Jack that his unfortunate habit of throttling women (he did it with Audrey before too) really isn’t an endearing quality. It would be nice for a female cast member of “24” to end this season alive and not looking like she’s had the emotional wind knocked out of her. As Ms. Henderson chimes in: “How is it that every woman accepts being slammed against a wall by Jack and then immediately wants to sleep with him when he apologizes in his sheepish way?” Valid point. Furthermore, in real life, how many women would trust some angry lunatic who runs up to them and says “I don't have a lot of time to explain right now, but you're going to have to trust me”? Not many I’m guessing.

For further discussion on Jack’s love life, proceed here. Additionally, Jack Bauer’s Friendster profile posted by McSweeney’s contains some pretty funny stuff as well. Inspiration runs low on Tuesdays here at “Riding with Rickey” so occasionally we will just give up and point you in the direction of things that actually are funny. It’s not lecherous, we swear.

Getting back to the show, the high point of last night’s episode was undoubtedly when Marilyn asks Jack how he knows that Papa Bauer’s captured henchman won’t double cross Jack and Kiefer responds: “he wants to live.” Classic--I really think the writers of “24” are on the cusp of just borrowing stuff from this list. And then we’re treated to a similar exchange later in the episode when Marilyn asks how to use a gun and Jack looks at her like she’s got three heads and replies “point and shoot.”

So let me get this straight: all it took to make Chloe seem normal was to pair her up with an emotionally unstable Brit with a drinking problem? Gotcha. This whole Morris falling off the wagon subplot is tiresome, so we won’t waste much time on it. But I'll say this: if you’re a recovering alcoholic, CTU is probably not the best place for you to be working. They’ve got a morgue on the premises for christssakes. Forget falling off the wagon, you need to be a hardcore drinker to deal with the soul shattering horror that regularly occurs at CTU. I’d be pants-less and chugging Wild Turkey under my desk after hour two.

Papa Bauer telling Jack ”come unarmed” to pick up the kid is high comedy. He’s talking to a guy who ripped someone’s throat out with his teeth. Jack is a human weapon you lanky dolt. The prisoner exchange leads to an emotional scene at gunpoint where Papa Bauer expresses disappointment for Jack turning his back on his family and becoming a civil servant (the last part is spat out tauntingly by Jack’s dad). Okey dokey then. Being a civil servant, Rickey is very much pissed by that last statement. Philip Bauer cannot die soon enough. I’m going to log some overtime and devote large chunks of my leisurely 35 hour work week to writing the producers of “24” demanding that they kill off this schmuck.

And lastly, but certainly not least, we are treated to the return of a grizzly Charles Logan (as if you didn’t know damn well he was coming back). And naturally, he has clues. Isn’t it time Jack had his own quiet discussion with Chuck? Methinks it is.