Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Your Weekly Blogroulette: In Which Rickey Spins the Wheel of Internet Insipidity

Welcome back to Blogroulette. You know the rules by now, so let's get right to it. After Rickey’s first two clicks took him to blogs of parents fawning over their children, Rickey was extremely concerned he was going to have to re-name this column “Rickey Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Kids, Buddy.” But then we hit pay dirt. Behold: “Completely Random,” a blog written by a 24 year old ESPN employee, chronicles the life of a charming young lady coming to grips with issues of identity in Manhattan, as she invokes the proud literary tradition of Sylvia Plath and Gertrude Stein in her pursuit of…

….oh who the hell are we kidding. This blog is terrible. Just the most banal and uninteresting thing we’ve read in weeks. We're pretty sure this airheaded blog alone will set the feminist cause back a good decade or two. But on the plus side, it buries the needle on the unintentional comedy meter. Witness the scribe’s profound treatise penned on July 23, entitled “Always a Bridesmaid…” Poor grammar ahoy, people!

“So yesterday I was watching Sex & the City & it was that episode when Carrie & Aiden first start dating & she's not sure if she is just his friend or is his girlfriend.”

Strap in folks, this is going to be a brutal one. Why do women continuously ask themselves this question? Isn’t it fairly clear whether or not one is in a relationship? Does the guy actually have to loudly proclaim “WE ARE NOW ENTERING INTO A RELATIONSHIP” in order to alleviate your uncertainty?

“This kind of made me think about last week when I was at 519.”

What is that? A bar? Some sort of WWII code? Youth culture completely escapes Rickey.

“Alyssa said how I am always our friends' boyfriends' favorite. So why then, if all of these guys love me have I not found a boyfriend? I am in no way saying that I wish I had my friends' boyfriends, that is certainly not it.”

Heavens, certainly not, no! Rickey thanks you for clarifying that issue.

“What I am saying is that I am always the friend & never the girlfriend. Am I not girlfriend material? Is it because I am too much like a boy in that I love sports & beer?”

Er, no, Rickey's guessing that your third grade reading/writing skills have more to do with it.

“Probably not because Sam is like that too & she always has a boyfriend. Is it because I am too picky & overlook the good ones? Perhaps. Watching Carrie trying to figure out if Aiden was her boyfriend also reminded me of a number of relationships that I have had. In one, we would get along like great friends & make out frequently but when it came to an actual relationship, it never really came about. Another had been my best friend but when it came to us being more then that, it never worked out no matter how many times we tried. I'm having a similar puzzle now.”

You’re “having a similar puzzle now”? Rickey doesn’t think that means what you think it means.

“This guy used to be my best friend & then we lost touch & recently reconnected again. Now we talk everyday but it's hard to tell if it's more then just a friendship.”

OK, look, Rickey’s been out of the dating scene for the better part of a decade, but here’s what you need to ask yourself: are you spending time alone with this guy? Does he compliment you and stuff? Are you learning things about each other? Also, is insertion occurring? If the answer is ‘yes’ to at least two of these, then mazel tov, you’ve got yourself a bonafide relationship! Meet your beau next Wednesday for the official “RELATIONSHIP KICKOFF MEETING” in which you will exchange phone numbers, emotional baggage, and the “Keeping up with the Kardashians" Season 2 DVD box set!

But for a Yankee hater like Rickey, it doesn’t get any worse than her July 21st post, “Ladies Night Out!”

“So it's been a while but I'm coming back with a bang! You know that “Make a Wish” foundation? Well I’m not dying (knock on wood) but I got my wish granted last night!”

Well, in a metaphysical sense, we’re all dying, albeit very slowly. For example, a part of Rickey dies with each additional sentence he reads on your blog.

“I attended CC Sabathia’s 30th birthday party at the 40/40 club in NYC & partied with all the NY Yankees. Thanks to Sam Sank’s former company, I get invited to some pretty nice events but they generally fall on weekdays that I’m in CT so can’t go. I happened to be home this weekend & due to some bad luck which turned out to be great luck, I got to go to this exclusive event not opened to the public.”

Well congrats on hob nobbing with famous people. Rickey saw SNY’s Kevin Burkhardt at a Mets game this past weekend and loudly yelled his name! He totally turned around and scowled at Rickey! Mets Fever: Catch it!

“So we go up to the upstairs bar & Marcus Thames & I made eye contact & he must’ve thought I was someone else at first because he pointed at me & smiled & then walked across the room to come over to me & give me a kiss & hug hello. I think he then realized his mistake but was very cool nonetheless & we were like old pals. Once he started talking to Joba Chamberlain we decided to take a shot with them (Red Headed Sluts are Joba’s go-to, we have this in common.) So shots with Joba, old friends with Marcus & the night was only beginning. Got sandwiched between Alex & Joba while walking.”

Rickey believes this maneuver is referred to as “The Throgs Neck Pattycake

“Shook the hand of Reggie Jackson. Danced with Curtis Granderson (who is an amazing dancer!) Re-introduced myself to some current Yankees who were once upon a time Staten Island Yankees that I had to drive to & from the stadium when I interned there & they were both super duper nice. Francisco Cervelli was the one I was hoping would remember me & he at least pretended to & then the rest of the night would give me a wink & a smile every time he saw me. I wished CC a Happy Birthday & he gave me a big papa bear hug & said “Thank you & thank you for coming.” Happy to be there, CC.

We guarantee the Mets don’t do stuff like this. Angel Pagan just stays home every night and stares menacingly at a poster of Roy Oswalt.

Had a few convos with Phil Hughes. Shoved several girls out of the way to introduce myself to Robinson Cano & I got to see that big beautiful smile in person & it was aiming at me & then I got a kiss on the cheek & could’ve died a happy girl. David Robertson cleared the way to the bar so I could get there. Bumped into (literally) Brandon Jacobs of the NY Giants & feared for my life because he is so big.”

There’s probably some other subtext going on in that last sentence that Rickey would prefer not to delve into…

“I also played craps for a while & I won somebody $21,000 which I still am not sure if I was playing with real money or not. It was all-in-all AMAZINGG & I am pretty much the coolest person alive.”

Indeed you are, and that irrefutable reputation is cemented by this gem of a blog post about your wayward turtle, entitled “Texas Willie.”

“I have been told by a number of people that I should write a book.”

These people who tell you this, they’re homeless and deranged, correct? You really shouldn't listen to those guys.

”I have a few ideas & I am definitely going to get serious about it at some point, but I'm pretty sure this past weekend has stepped up my game a bit. I have 2 very separate ideas & one is a children's book. The title? "The Adventures of Texas Willie: Big Excitement Based on the True Stories of a Little Turtle."

Please tell Rickey that’s just a working title and that you didn’t spend a sleepless night agonizing over it…

This past weekend, the turtle wrote his own story: "Texas Willie's Great Escape". On Saturday morning I woke up & my turtle was not in his tank. Since he had been living in this tank for quite some time, I thought it was physically impossible for him to get out. So I looked around the apartment & couldn't find him but I knew he had to be somewhere around so I didn't really worry too much. I put food around & figured he would be sitting by one of them when I woke up. He was not.

Rickey believes that in great literature, this plot device is known as THE REVERSAL. High drama indeed!

"Day 2 was a bit of a different story. This is when I turned crazy. I came up with several theories about what happened to him."

So let Rickey get this straight: there’s a reptile loose somewhere in your apartment and you’re coming up with conspiracy theories about the situation like it’s the goddamn JFK assassination? How about actually looking for the turtle?

“My main theory was this: I lock my door out of habit when I come home. Friday I was cooking & the smoke alarm went off so I shut it off. I got in the shower & after I got out, a little while later I noticed the door was unlocked. I didn't think much of it. That was until my turtle went missing for 2 days. The theory developed into somebody coming into my apartment while I was in the shower & stealing my turtle out of his tank. They took nothing else, only Texas Willie. I knew it sounded ridiculous at the time, but I rationalized it enough in my head that it was a credible idea to me. My mother was no better because she agreed with me that this could be true instead of telling me I was a reTard.”

No words… should’ve sent… a poet…

“If you thought Day 2 sounded bad, you ain't seen nothing yet. I awoke Day 3 & before even brushing my teeth, I searched. Then I watched 90210 & called my landlord.”

Indeed, in dark times like this, Rickey also finds himself wondering, what would Brian Austin Green do?

“I proceeded to tell her my theory that someone broke in & stole my turtle & she appeased my insanity by telling me she would have someone change my locks. I took out the paper to start making "Missing Turtle" posters but decided I would give 1 more good look around for the 10 zillionth time first. I flipped over my couch again & decided I should slice open the bottom to see if he was somehow inside the couch. As I was about to do this, I heard a bumping kind of noise. So I checked out the kitchen again but to no avail & figured it was something across the hall. As I was slicing & dicing open my couch, I heard it again. It sounded as if it was coming from inside my refrigerator so I opened it up & looked in the bottom drawer. It was at that point that I saw a space underneath the fridge that I hadn't noticed before. So I got out my flashlight & shined it underneath & TADA!!!! There was his little turtle shell lodged underneath the fridge all the way towards the back. How he got himself back there, I will never know. I didn't know if he would still be alive so I poked him with a curtain rod & I saw his leg move! I cried I was so happy. Then I had to introduce myself to my neighbor by asking him if he could help me, because my turtle was stuck under the refrigerator. So he & his wife came & helped pick up the fridge & we got him out. So Texas Willie is now back in his tank safe & sound & I have returned to being a sane human being (or as much as is possible for me.) I also have Chapter 4 of my children's book all ready to go.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2010 Caldecott Medal for excellence in children’s writing goes to…

Finally, the author tosses up a timeless post on the weighty issue of female identity and sports allegiance. Readers, we close out this edition of Blogroulette with: R-E-S-P-E-C-T . Quothe the scribe:

“Here's what I love most about being an ESPN employee: I am finally taken seriously as a real sports fan.”

It took the better part of an hour before Rickey could stop convulsing with laughter and continue reading the post. For giggles, let’s play “Invent an Equally Incongruous Statement”!

-Here's what I love most about being a BP employee: I am finally taken seriously as a real environmentalist.

-Here’s what I love most about being a Klingon: I am finally taken seriously as a calm and cool-headed individual.

-Here's what I love most about being a member of the 1825 Decembrist Uprising: I am finally taken seriously as a supporter of Tsar Nicholas I.

But Rickey digresses… moving on…

“This may sound odd because anyone who knows me knows that's what I am all about. I'm a diehard but yet before, there were still those non-believers who were ALWAYS men. Why is it that when a guy says he loves sports, other guys simply believe him?”

Wait, we do? We just walk around professing our enjoyment of sports to strange men? Rickey can’t remember the last time he bumped into a random guy and blurted out “I enjoy professional sporting events!” and was then informed by the other guy “As do! Our covenant is complete!”

“I have met plenty a man who just says that so he sounds like a man, but when you really get down to it he has no idea what's going on. When I would tell people that I am a huge sports fan, they would have to test me. In general, I'd pass their tests but they wouldn't pass mine.”

Let Rickey guess, they asked you who plays shortstop for the Yanks, and you asked them where he’s getting married in November… Hard hitting stuff! Pop quiz: do you know who played shortstop before him?

“There was also a time that I was with another gal friend of mine who is also a very big sports fan. There was a guy that actually said the phrase, "I love it when girls pretend like they know about sports". He was lucky we just got up & left, rather then throwing drinks in his face or much worse. Are people really that archaic?”

Yes! They’re, like, totally archaic! Just like those ancient Greeks! OMGWTFBBQ!

“I'm not saying that every guy is like that. I have plenty of gentlemen friends who totally get how much I love sports & they absolutely respect it. Loving sports is part of who I am, which is why my new job is perfect. I'm no Buster Olney "Baseball Analyst" but just the title of working at ESPN has certainly brought me several levels up in the minds of those non-believers.”

Aw, but analysis isn’t that hard, even if you're not Buster Olney... Here, Rickey will give you an example. A-Rod has been stuck on 499 hits for quite some time now. Ergo, A-Rod proves once again that he is terrible under pressure. Presto, award-winning baseball analysis! Now you try!

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Smitty said...

I laughed through most of this, but the real comedy gold here was the incongruous statements. Doubled-over with laughter.

The snippets you published of her blog was so banal I nearly chocked on my own drooping tongue.

Rickey Henderson said...

Glad you dug it Smitty. Stay tuned next week for our next episode of INCONGRUOUS STATEMENT THEATER!

Bob said...

Let us know when you find a blog that is actually interesting. Those seem in short supply.

I also hope you don't get sent to ATK, where you will ahve to admit we have the writing skills of sixth graders.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...

Of all the dumb sluts from Staten Island named Amy Lynn, you found the dumbest.

Outwitted by a turtle.

I believe Cuff and Link actually got to hear more engaging conversation.

Poor Texas Willie.

Brandon said...

I also enjoyed the incongruous statement bit. That was greatness.

Brandon said...

Rickey needs to write more blog entries. Brandon is tired of hitting the refresh button and not hitting pay dirt.

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Smitty said...

Rickey is missed from the interwebs. He must return.

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