Wednesday, July 14, 2010

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and pieces of advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy our latest installment of....

RICKEY RECOMMENDS

Bombadil. Come now, a quirky indie band named after a minor Tolkien character? How could we not recommend this? For those pressed for time, two of their better songs are “Matthew” and “Honeymoon,” and pretty much anything off their third album “A Buzz, A Buzz” is pure gold.

Getting your adult ADD under control.
We don’t know about you, but modern technology is wreaking havoc on Rickey’s ability to function as a normal member of society. The smart phone, multiple email accounts, rss feeds, DVR schedule, Netflix queue, and online video gaming have taken a bit of a toll on Rickey's mental state over the years. But most alarming is what technology has done to Rickey’s porn viewing habits. Multiple tabbed browsing is the main culprit here. One window is never enough. No, Rickey needs sixteen Google Chrome windows simultaneously streaming the complete Sasha Grey oeuvre on his iMac like it’s like the goddamn control screen at CENTCOM. Yeah, that can’t be good… WHY HAS TECHNOLOGY RENDERED RICKEY SO UNABLE TO FOCUS IN THIS CRITICAL MATTER?!

“The Passage” by Justin Cronin. Hey, here’s a nifty change: an extremely well written piece of pop fiction about vampires! This first installment in an epic trilogy kicks off with mankind unwittingly unleashing a virus upon the population which turns anyone infected into crazy snarling vampires (although the book goes to great pains not to use the V-word, that’s pretty much what they are). Then, like in all great literature, the vampire apocalypse occurs. That’s the first 100 pages. Think of this book as an amalgam of Cormack McCarthy’s “The Road” and King’s “The Stand” and you’re on the right track. Extremely well written and entertaining, the book is a delight to read. We’re told that movie rights have already been snatched up by Ridley Scott. As you know, vampire stuff is insufferably popular right now, so if you’re dying to be trendy like all the other cool kids, but don’t want to rot your brain by reading Stephenie Meyer, this is definitely the way to go.

Kale Chips. Ever obsessed with maintaining regular bowel movements, Rickey is a big proponent of the dark leafy greens. Enter stage right: KALE. Despite being one of the most nutritious vegetables on the planet, kale also has the dubious distinction of tasting like broiled donkey grundle. Bummer, right? Here’s how to turn the tables back in your favor:

-Wash & dry kale leaves and lay them on a baking sheet
-Lightly brush leaves with oil of your choosing (vegetable or olive)
-Sprinkle sparingly with salt
-Bake kale for 10 minutes on each side at 350 degrees

Fairly easy no? The results are most excellent. Crispy and tasty like a potato chip yet healthy like a high colonic! And with this dish comes the assurance that your next bowel movement will be a wholly enjoyable one. One wipe and Rickey’s finished! Hey, look gang, here’s a picture:“Louie” on FX. Where in the blue blazes did this guy come from? From Rickey's id, that's where. Much like “Seinfeld,” his new show is a mix of standup and scripted comedy, yet delightfully profane. We assure you, this is a sure lock for your best new comedy of the season.

Arming yourself against the gathering Woodchuck menace. Rickey finally spotted him the other day. The little furry bastard that is devouring his garden. Last week he actually took one bite from three of Rickey’s eggplants. Taking a bite out of one wasn’t enough, no, that fuck needed to go from one eggplant to the next, chomping down then walking away, as if to say “nah, this large ripe black vegetable definitely isn’t for me, but I’m going to make goddamn certain that YOU don’t get to enjoy it!” And that’s why Rickey has become militant. There’s a BB gun in his parents’ house that will make short work of this foul beast. A soda can duct taped to the end of the barrel should do a decent job of suppressing the muzzle report and not alarming the neighbors. This is happening. We’ll toss up an image of Rickey standing over the vanquished beast in the coming days.

Not getting too nutty crunchy. While Rickey may proclaim to be eco-friendly with his organic garden and compost pile, there’s a point where everyone must draw the line. For Rickey, that point was when he was offered a book about picking and preserving produce, entitled “Putting Things Away.” They might as well have called it “Canning Your Dignity for the Winter!” Sure, we suppose that Rickey could spend hours sterilizing jars, concocting the proper solution, and pickling his cucumbers only to offer them to his guests a few weeks later and hear them say “hey, this tastes just like a Vlassic…” and revel in the awkward knowledge that Rickey just spent 140 man-hours replicating something readily available for $3.68. We’re sorry, but that’s time better spent on loftier pursuits. Like romancing oneself to a NORAD screen of Jenna Haze!

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5 comments:

Bob said...

"Then, like in all great literature, the vampire apocalypse occurs."

Hmmm, seems like this has been done in zombie form in Omega Man/I Am Legend

Smitty said...

re: Louie. That damn show makes me laugh so hard it wakes up the kids. I seriously get gut cramps from the laughter.

And oh what high speed cable internet and google chrome has done for my adult entertainment-related web searches has been mind boggling.

Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...

Gee, its good to know that I'm not the only one that seems to need way too much stimuli.

I like to have an interview where Sasha Grey is looking all adorable and cute streaming at the same time as the rousing, sweaty, rib-cracking climax of one of her earthier ensemble pieces.

You turn over your kale chips?

Smitty said...

I like to have an interview where Sasha Grey is looking all adorable and cute streaming at the same time as the rousing, sweaty, rib-cracking climax of one of her earthier ensemble pieces.

You turn over your kale chips?


That was the best writing transition I have ever witnessed on this or any other blog. Brilliantly done, Mr. Melon.

Rickey Henderson said...

Why yes, Bob, the kale chips were flipped. Bravo, sir.