Friday, May 7, 2010

Cheers & Jeers: The Weekender Edition

In this thrilling new column, Rickey shall award “cheers” to those exemplary parties deserving laudable mention, and “jeers” to those despicable individuals who have garnered his unfettered scorn. It’s a helluva lot like the weekly Daily Kos 'Cheers & Jeers' column, but minus the shallow and pedantic political diatribes. Enjoy our inaugural edition.

Update: oh hey, look! Rickey's sneering caused the loquacious libs at Daily Kos to actually feature this post! Awww, shucks Billy, Rickey thanks you from THE MODERATELY DECENT STATE OF NEW YORK!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled post:

Cheers to… John Favreau for filming "Iron Man 2," the most enjoyable superhero flick Rickey has seen to date. And don’t worry, as much as he wants to, Rickey promises he won't reach for a tenuous political allegory in this installment in the Iron Man franchise like he did last time. Free of all the burdens of the formulaic origin story that the first Iron Man movie was mired down in, this flick is a rollicking good time. As you may have heard, the plot isn’t all that great, but the brilliant dialogue and acting make up for it and the action scenes are mercifully sparse yet actually discernible. The film kicks off with our cocky prick of a superhero Tony Stark plummeting out of a whizzing plane in full red and gold metallic regalia, doing a bit of snazzy midair maneuvering, and landing prominently in the rejuvenated 1965 Queens World’s Fair grounds with a thunderous metal CLANG to a massive applauding crowd. Amazingly enough, the movie goes exponentially uphill from there. (Although Rickey would’ve loved to see Iron Man overshoot his landing zone and accidentally land in Citi Field to lukewarm applause and grumbles of “well, he can’t possibly be any worse than Oliver Perez” from sullen Mets fans). The people at the helm of this flick really nailed the tone of the Iron Man property. One day they're going to run out of raucous AC\DC songs to loop over the film's soundtrack. Happily, that day is far, far away. Rickey strongly urges you to go forth and enjoy Iron Man 2 this weekend in a heavily packed theater. Take the missus. It'll be serious fun.

Jeers to… 2K Sports for finding new and unique ways to rub it in to Mets fans. 2K Sports, publisher of a popular baseball video game franchise, offered a $1,000,000 prize to the gamer who could throw a perfect game in their new title MLB 2K10. And sure enough, somebody pulled it off and claimed the prize. The pitcher they used to win was Kenshin Kawakami. The team he pitched against? Ladies and gentlemen… your 2010 New York Mets!!!

Cheers to... Homeless people. Given the stock market's performance this week, Rickey is starting to suspect that you fellows are really ahead of the curve here. Rickey himself looks forward to his days as a homeless person and really making a good run of it. Why not have some fun with the experience? If Rickey was homeless, he'd breathe some life into this honored pastime by going into jewelery stores, picking out the most expensive necklaces, then reaching for his wallet only to loudly exclaim: "oh wait, I forgot, I'm fucking homless! Goddammit!" Rickey would also panhandle to pay for admission to museums so he could hop over the velvet rope and eat a famous painting such as a Monet. Rickey would totally scarf down that Water Lillies painting. He'd be the most expensive homeless person in the world!

Jeers to... Lawrence Taylor. Seriously, what the hell, dude? But hey, on the bright side, at least Rickey doesn't need to search as hard to get your signature on a football. He can just look up your name and address on a sex offender registry!

Cheers to… The good folks at BP Energy for making Rickey rich beyond measure. Now we all know that what’s happening in the Gulf Coast right now is a complete catastrophe, but that doesn’t mean somebody shouldn’t profit from it, right? That somebody is Rickey. You see, Rickey estimates that by the end of next week, the price of gulf coast shrimp will rival that of Bolivian nose candy. Rickey’s brilliant plan is to purchase up 10 metric tons of frozen shrimp from Costco tonight at discount prices and store it in a massive freezer in his basement and wait patiently. When the time is right and the public hungers for affordable shrimp, Rickey will spring into action and sell discount shrimp out of the back of his Saab 9-3 off the New Jersey Turnpike. Rickey’s gonna be rich, he tells you, rich!

Jeers to... The entire state of Massachusetts for continuing their proud tradition of wondrous incompetency. Rickey and Mrs. Henderson were in the greater Boston area last weekend when news flashes emerged that a major water main had ruptured nearby, leaving 2 million residents with no potable drinking water. (Why is it that wherever the Hendersons go, catastrophe follows them?) You know your weekend getaway has gone terribly awry when you witness Massholes in camouflage shorts and Red Sox hats lining up outside the local Kmart at 7AM to purchase cases of Poland Spring bottled water like the zombie apocalypse is upon them. The reason the Hendersons were up in the Boston was for a baptism for a friend’s newborn child. Were Rickey and Mrs. Henderson cracking jokes during the ceremony about the quality of the water the priest was dunking the kid in? Oh, you betcha.

Cheers to… Mothers everywhere. You gals are doing a heckuva job. Just stellar work all around. On this Mother’s Day weekend, Rickey just wanted you to know that.

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3 comments:

Bill in Portland Maine said...

Billy from Daily Kos is sad. Apologizes to world for shallow and pedantic political ramblings. Billy quits!

Rickey is much better.

---Billy

Adding: Heh.

Rickey Henderson said...

Well that's awfully big of you Billy! Rickey happily accepts your undoubtedly earnest apology!

Don't get Rickey wrong: he's a good intentioned lefty who loves to traffic in absurd hyperbole much like yourself. Difference is, 4 people read RwR, while you miscreants at DailyKos get a couple hundred thousand per day.

By the way, how's that unwavering support for the 2008 Edwards Campaign working out for you fellas?

Smitty said...

Iron Man 2 was a fun romp. Mark my words: if I had a metal suit that could fly and shoot things, I don't think I could be as generous and charitable as Tony Stark.

Also, my metal suit would have a tap in it.