Friday, August 14, 2009

It occurred to me the other day that for nearly three years I’ve been writing a blog and most of you know remarkably little about me. Let’s be honest here, for all you know, I could be Carlos the Jackal. Sadly, I’m not, and that’s just the first of many misconceptions that I’ll attempt to clear up in this edition of…

Things You Heretofore Had Not Known About Me


While eating out at a restaurant, I cannot tolerate indecision. Picky folks who gaze at the menu for more than three minutes anger me beyond comprehension. Every time this happens, there’s an excellent chance that I'm really going to lose it. Like, violently lose my shit. On strangers, family, co-workers, the waiter, I don't care. It’s not a pretty sight. When it comes to this sort of thing, I am explosively misanthropic.

I’m a bit of a geek. I own one of these. I possess a large box of “Magic: The Gathering” cards. I traffic in assorted nerdery. On Monday, I scored two free tickets via quite possibly the biggest movie nerd website in existence to an advance screening of “District 9” in NYC. How was the movie? Pretty damned solid. A great indie sci-fi action flick. The last 20 minutes is awesome. It features an FX shot of combat mayhem unlike anything I've ever seen. Watch closely for it. It involves a pig. It is too awesome for words. As my buddy who saw it with me can attest, I was literally bouncing up and down. Yes, I am that dude who rocks back and forth in his seat and makes uncomfortably loud exclamations in a movie theater.

I consider myself to be a spiritual person, yet I’ve never actually picked up a bible and read it. I prefer to just imagine what I’d like the bible to say and I govern myself according to that. For example, did you know that Psalms 14:5 actually states “Check thyself lest thou wreck thyself”? True story.

I am determined. Allow me to provide an example. The other night, I was playing Uno on the Xbox. It’s a web camera enabled game where you play online against other people. It’s a family friendly game. Or at least that’s what I’d thought until I stumbled upon a game session where three dudes have got their junk out and are masturbating furiously. I see this on my tv. In a game of Uno. When they saw my horrified face and that I was wearing pants, I was immediately booted from the game. I quickly researched the matter and found incontrovertibleevidence that this is a known issue with this game. Since then I have made a vow to search out these people like Chris Hansen. I will track down these avid maasturbaters and expose them for the weirdos they are. Point of the story is, that’s how determined a fellow I am. This is my white whale. This is why I haven’t had time to blog much recently. Does this teeter on the side of obsession? I’ll get back to you in a few days on that…

I am an exceedingly vain individual. I work out a lot and make a point of ensuring that others are aware of this. I iron my blue jeans. I like mirrors more than most people. You probably already knew of this vanity from those beard watch updates I provided a while back. As a matter of fact, I am debating growing my hair out in hopes of achieving the highly sought after “yacht hair.” I am using this fellow as my template: I will often torment others with intentionally bad suggestions. The current one? I am steadfastly demanding that Erika and I name our future children “Whipple” and “Spaulding.” The thinking behind this is similar to Johnny Cash’s “Boy Named Sue” logic—our kids will be toughened up by relentless tormenting from their peers, and they will certainly never ever receive any form of scholarship or financial aid, because names like “Whipple” and “Spaulding” are 100% white bread. They start off white and bleach themselves to transparency by the end. No, I will not budge on this issue. Do not attempt to debate me on this.

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11 comments:

steves said...

XBox Uno is some twisted shit.

Adam said...

I snorted at the "white wale" part. So gross!

Adam said...

I've read this article thrice... the yacht hair fascinates me. This peek inside your brain is truly revealing.

wfta said...

I had assumed that Rickey’s CV would have include nude urban hang gliding and that he most likely knew the whereabouts of George W. Bush in 1972 when he was famously not serving in the Alabama Air National Guard and why in that same year the Nobel Prize for Peace was not awarded.
It is difficult to disguise my disappointment.

Smitty said...

Question: your menu-staring obsession. Does it include high-end restaurant menu gazing? For instance, if I were at a particularly posh restaurant and was handed a menu of nonstop deliciousness, is it ok to view each choice before I decide, or do I have to go in to the restaurant knowing already that I want steak? Or does this particular obsession merely involve restaurants where the menu is posted on the wall?

Rickey Henderson said...

Absolutely it includes high end restaurant gazing. Presumably, you wouldn't eat out at a pricey place without reading about it or going with a friend who has already been there. In that case, YOU DO YOUR DUE DILIGENCE and research what dishes are good beforehand or ask the friend you went with. Preparation is key! I have yet to step foot through the door of a restaurant without knowing exactly what I intend to order.

Bob said...

Would it be OK if I ordered drinks and appetizers quickly to buy some time to make a main dish decision?

Rickey Henderson said...

I suppose that's an acceptable practice, yes. But let's not compromise too much here, OK? Take two nights ago, for example. Erika and I meet my dad for dinner at a local Greek restaurant. Naturally, he's come well prepared and already knows exactly what he's going to order--the sauteed calf's liver. But he takes it even a step further. He knows that the Greek salad coming with his meal will be far too much food to consume, so when ordering, he requests that the salad be wrapped up to go. This saves time AND and crucial table space. Then he gives precise instructions that his iced coffee be brought with the meal, not prior to it. Now THIS is a man who knows what he wants. My dad is a champion.

Smitty said...

See, I like to peruse a menu in a good, high-end restaurant. What if something else jumps off the page at me? And more importantly: somebody spent a lot of time putting that menu together and describing the dishes as perfectly as words can do. Why should I cheat that person of their creative energy? It's like going to an art gallery and just skipping everything in lieu of the painting some art critic said is a "must see" in a local weekly rag. I could miss some real gems that way.

Anonymous said...

In that case, YOU DO YOUR DUE DILIGENCE and research what dishes are good beforehand or ask the friend you went with. Preparation is key!


I see why you have called yourself Rickey all these years. You in fact have a vagina.

Mr Furious said...

What would Rickey do at Mrs F's and my favorite restaurant?

The menu changes nightly and is delivered orally by the waiter/tress...

--

In general, I have a good idea what I am craving when I walk in, but I ALWAYS want to know the specials for the night. I will usually go for one of those, or go to the menu as a back-up if none appeal to me.