Friday, August 28, 2009

“Bring Out Yer Dead!”, AKA, Your Mets Update: The Obligatory Postmortem Edition

Apparently the baseball gods were watching when I decided to heckle Joe Girardi about the Yankees' chances against the Mets. And they smote me. They smote me hard. The latest addition to the black hole that is the Mets DL? My trusty coffee mug. In a moment of weighty karmic reciprocity, the cup slipped from my hands as if it was nudged by some phantom force, and crashed to the floor, resulting in the handle shattering into several pieces.
Imagine it happening in slow motion, followed by me staring blankly at it for several minutes, wallowing in the not-so-subtle symbolism of the event. Yes, when stuff like this happens to me, it is usually this blunt (last night I was playing “Batman: Arkham Asylum” on the 360 and I kid you not, a freaking live bat showed up in the apartment and started flapping around).

I’d spent a helluva lotta time searching for that Mets mug online, so throwing it away wasn’t even briefly taken into consideration. No sir, repairing it became a top priority. And so with a little gorilla glue and some tender love, the mug was made whole once again.
Attention advertising companies: I heartily approve of any product involving gorillas. You slap a gorilla on the label and I will purchase it. For me, the addition of any kind of simian likeness will bolster a product’s appeal by roughly 145%. For example, did you know that there’s an airline company called Air Gorilla? This fascinates me to no end.

And so the mug was repaired. Could the glued together handle break apart mid sip, resulting in hot coffee scalding my face? Why yes, yes it could. Like any true pessimistic Mets fan worth their salt, I’m pretty much counting on that eventuality. The vortex of ineptitude and injuries is strong with this team. The Obama Health Plan damn well better have a clause discussing the Metropolitans, because right now, I’m thinking that wearing a Mets uniform is considered by most healthcare providers sufficient cause to deny coverage.

As others have pointed out, the extent and frequency of Mets injuries is downright spooky. It’s gotten to a point that the five people who still watch the Mets on TV feel like they’re watching a sports version of ‘Final Destination” unfold rather than an actual baseball game: “Oh dear god, what is that? Somebody left a glove on the dugout steps! Oh, I can’t look!”

Now I haven’t mustered the intestinal fortitude to visit the other Mets blogs lately, but if nobody has started up a “Next Met to be Injured” pool, then this needs to be looked into, pronto. Screw it, I’ll do it. As is the norm with my baseball commentary, this is completely free of thoughtful analysis, because far be it from this blogger to let niggling facts get in the way of wanton hyperbole. Here’s what my Mets injury pool looks like at the moment:

Brian Schneider. He has roughly five hits in the past three months. His bat speed rivals that of a medium sized cat. If he’s not already secretly playing hurt now, definitely look for him to sprain his thumb while updating his Wiki page to read “THE BEST DEFENSIVE CATCHER IN THE GAME OF BASEBALL.”

Lance Broadway. With a name like his, there’s absolutely no other way this guy can hurt himself other than in the midst of a frenzied porn shoot. No other way.

Johan Santana. True, he’s already on the DL. But don’t be too shocked when the bastard witch doctors seasoned medical professionals at the Hospital for Special Surgery misdiagnose him with gangrene and amputate his entire left arm.

Nick Evans. This promising young prospect’s career will come to an abrupt halt when he becomes the latest victim of gang violence incurred by Omar Minaya’s questionable decision to recruit members of the Latin Kings to play for the Mets.

The dude in the Mets front office whose job it is to report that Jose Reyes is slated to start rehab “any day now.” Two ways this guy can die: via severe alcohol poisoning or hysterically laughing himself to death.

Ken Takahashi. The victim of an unexpected ninja attack secretly orchestrated by Bobby Valentine. It’s complicated, but it will involve outstanding debts owed by Takahashi for a series of ballroom dancing classes taught by Bobby V. I’m telling you, the David Carradine conspiracy will pale in comparison to this.

Daniel Murphy. Listed as one of the missing passengers when Air Gorilla flight #618 disappears somewhere over the Pacific.

Luis Castillo. Lost for the season when an angry Gary Sheffield kidnaps him and holds him hostage, demanding a contract with the Mets for the 2010 season. An intense multi-state manhunt suddenly and unexpectedly culminates with Castillo professing his undying love for his captor Sheffield and deciding to live his life on the lam with the man of his dreams.

Angel Pagan. The guy’s name is “Angel Pagan.” If ever there was a candidate for “death by singularity,” this is it.

And of course….

The Entire Mets Training Staff. Look, I’m no athlete or anything, but it occurs to me that one can keep injuries curtailed a bit by STRETCHING OUT BEFORE THE GAME. How freaking tough is it to remind your players to do this?! This is something I was repeatedly told to do during 9th grade J.V. soccer for crying out loud. Because I’m feeling charitable, Mets training staff: death by auto-erotic asphyxiation. I know good ninjas.

Stumble Upon Toolbar


Mike said...

I'm still grasping with the fact that LUIS CASTILLO is the only guy who DIDN'T end up on the DL this season.

Bob said...

I am not much of a fan, but actually attended two games in the last 2 weeks here in Michigan.

One Tigers and one minor league game in Lansing.

George said...

Looking forward to the film "Luis Castillo--Stockholm Syndrome"!

Sassdawg. said...

Lance Broadway is the guy's real name? Are you kidding? It's not every day your porn name and your real name are one in the same.

Adam said...

Hey Rickey!

Can you photoshop a picture of a monkey riding a giraffe? Please?

Rickey Henderson said...

Fuck yes I can. I can even photoshop a picture of a monkey riding a giraffe up a tree. And I won't even ask why you're requesting this.

Chrıs said...

photoshop a picture....??

Jason said...

How's it going?

You have a great sports blog here. This is my first time visiting but I like it a lot. I have two sports blogs and I'd like to exchange links with you. Let me know if this is cool.


Lots in Samara Costa Rica said...

That hurt me, was terrible, I'm so sorry!!!