Monday, July 27, 2009

While You Were Out...

Yeah, I’ve been lax with new material. I will now attempt to fabricate lame excuses for this. Turns out that returning to one’s job after a month hiatus doesn’t leave much time for blogging. And then there are the errands. The endless errands. (Those Netflix movies don’t just return themselves, you know?) But most importantly, the wifey and I are starting to search for a dwelling of some sort to purchase. We’re busy, got it? Also, we’re pretty much looking for excuses not to sit in a poorly air-conditioned apartment and write out several dozen heartfelt wedding thank you notes. Ugh. I do have several key updates worth mentioning however:

After much deliberation, we’ve decided to start talking in the first person (the editorial voice remains remarkably intact however). You’ll notice a noticeable increase of the use of pronoun “I” here at RwR. In order to better demonstrate this, here’s an example of how this will work, derived from a real life situation:

Under the old system: “This morning, while brewing his cup of coffee, Rickey bumped over his coffee press and spread shattered glass and hot coffee all over the kitchen floor. Rickey nearly scalded his genitals off.”

Under the new system: “This morning, while brewing my cup of coffee, I bumped over my coffee press and spread shattered glass and hot coffee all over the kitchen floor. I nearly scalded my genitals off.”

Because let’s be honest here, if you’re going to discuss the topic of horrific genital scalding, it’s far better to do it in the first person. Do not be alarmed by this first person speaking development. Change can be a terrifying thing, but fret not: I’m just as capable of blogging like an ignorant pompous schmuck in the first person as I was in the third person.

Judging by the modest uptick in Google hits (I can’t decide which keyword search I like better: “Rickey Henderson shirtless” or “Rickey Henderson batshit crazy”) something rather noteworthy happened to Rickey Henderson over the weekend. You’d think that after three years of pilfering someone’s good name, I’d take the time to honor their induction into Cooperstown, but you also forget how much of a magnificently lazy bastard I am. Maybe I’ll get around to writing a proper HOF speech in a few days, but I’m concerned it would deteriorate into one of those cliché life story speeches about how Rickey single handedly liberated a small Brazilian village using only a paperclip, some string, and his moral fortitude. As always, your input is greatly appreciated.

I am unmoved by the Mets’ current two game winning streak. After a month entirely removed from baseball, it’s difficult to get excited about an injury ravaged team with a lineup that I can only identify 12% of. I am however quite concerned that they’ve decided to steal one of my trademark maneuvers from this past softball season:
Damn you Francoeur, the “curl into the fetal position to avoid the ball” is MY MOVE, not yours. 14 RBIs in 12 games does not excuse you from this blatant theft!

I do however, approve of the Mets organization’s decision to foster a bit of off-field drama. It livens things up a bit when your VP of player development tears off his shirt and challenges minor league players to a fistfight. Who wants to watch a timid and mediocre team anyway? If you’re going to screw up, at least make it fun. Make it big. Hats off to Tony Bernazard for acknowledging the 2009 Mets season as what it really is: one massive episode of “Hell’s Kitchen.”

I, for one, was absolutely delighted by the Erin Andrews scandal and the resulting media uproar. For an entire week, we get to listen to the lunacy of sports experts telling us “Look, I don’t care what your reasons are, you SIMPLY CANNOT bore a hole into a locked hotel room and take photos of a woman undressing!” Uh, thank you very much professor. Way to take a stand there. Your Peabody is in the mail.

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11 comments:

Bob said...

"After much deliberation, we’ve decided to start talking in the first person (the editorial voice remains remarkably intact however). You’ll notice a noticeable increase of the use of pronoun “I” here at RwR."

I am considering a boycott.

Adam said...

I, on the other hand, applaud the first-person switch. Unfortunately, if you're not a "Ricktard" (my name for Rickey fans 'round the world) the whole third-person thing just irritates the living shit out of folks. I'm a Ricktard, so I never even paid it any mind. But there are others... civilians, men and women that frequent tupperware parties or yard sales... those are the people you haven't reached yet, I fear. Let this mark the beginning of a new... beginning!

Rickey Henderson said...

I like that in just two comments, I get both a flat out boycott followed what appears to be an evangelical sermon of some sort.

Look, this is what we're doing. Market research was done. Opinions were culled. William Strunk and E. B. White both agree with this decision. End of story.

Bob said...

"But there are others... civilians, men and women that frequent tupperware parties or yard sales... those are the people you haven't reached yet, I fear. Let this mark the beginning of a new... beginning!"

The beginning of the sell-out to the man.

unfinishedrambler said...

I like it also. Nice to see the real you and glad you're "as capable of blogging like an ignorant pompous schmuck in the first person" as you were in the third person. We wouldn't want you to lose your ignorant pompous shmuckitude.

Smitty said...

Bob stands alone on this one. The rest of ATK will support you.

Bob said...

"Bob stands alone on this one. The rest of ATK will support you."

Fucking Smitty - so much for team loyalty.

Did you take a survey? It seems a little presumptuous of you to speak for Andy, Joel, BMac, Sopor and Steve.

Bastard.

Rickey Henderson said...

Everyone ignore Bob--ever since I mistook him for an African American and scolded him for his mean spirited comments about Rosanne Barr, he and I just haven't seen eye to eye.

Smitty said...

Rickey, Bob is actually a dour, grumpy 89-year-old man. He likes to shout at kids on his lawn, traffic, and slow service at Bob Evans.

Statler said...

As a pseudonym-sporting old white man, I'm both pleased by the adoption of proper English grammar and angered by the fact that things are changing. I'll get back to you with my final verdict.

Bob said...

"Everyone ignore Bob..."

I will not be ignored!



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