Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Rickey's Search for a New Outfielder

You’d think that being on one’s honeymoon in Costa Rica would exempt them from worrying about the Mets. And in anyone else’s case other than Rickey’s you’d be absolutely correct. But no, we wanted you to know that despite being roughly five feet from the sun, the Mets are very much still on Rickey’s mind. In fact, while vacationing down here in Costa Rica, Rickey has been conducting a thorough and exhaustive search for a replacement outfielder for the New York Mets.

Now despite being completely removed from the tri-state sports buzz, we are just barely up to speed enough to know that Carlos Beltran is woefully injured. Some anonymous mook is playing in left field. And not having any idea of that the recent box scores are, we’re pretty certain that Gary Sheffield is NOT performing up to the expectations that Mike Francessa has piled upon him:

“He’s a solid hitter. A solid hitter. He’ll get you 25 home runs, no problem. [30 second pause] He’s a solid hitter. I’d go to war with this guy any time.”

Yeah, thanks Mike. So Rickey has been searching around down here in Costa Rica for a new outfielder. After much foraging, we think we’ve finally found out candidate. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Pepe:Rickey’s not totally sure if this is a cow, or an ox, or some sort of water buffalo, but goddamnit, this magnificent bastard has intangible baseball talent. Once Rickey figures out how to smuggle a 1,276 pound land mammal past U.S. customs, we are officially in business.
The scouting report on this wondrous beast tells us that he’s surprisingly nimble footed, and should have no problem stretching singles out into doubles. He’s a bit sluggish tracking fly balls in the outfield and has yet to figure out how to hit a changeup, but we’re confident that a few weeks in AAA assignment should straighten out these minor issues. Also, there’s a slight issue involving Pepe wanting to gore Luis Castillo on sight (apparently Castillo resembles a rodeo clown that Pepe faced a few months back) but frankly, we don’t see much of a problem with this.

As an added bonus, just think of the money this will save the Citified grounds keeping crew. This guy trims the field for em! And hey, if things don’t pan out, he makes for a delicious tenderloin! Pick up the phone Omar, this is destiny calling.

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Toasty Joe said...

Pepe has about as much chance of getting a hit as Fernando Tatis at this point.

George said...

Just to get rid of Castillo, I'd help pay for the Pepe import fee.

Haley said...

I don't care whether he plays baseball, please bring him back to be my pet. I'm a little bit smitten.

Sassdawg. said...

Where can I get my Pepe Jersey?