Riding with Rickey

Listen, we know, you don’t want to hear about Rickey’s wedding. You care not about the fact that Rickey spent the past few days affixing custom designed wedding monograms to gift bags, water bottles, and funnel shaped pieces of cardstock designed to hold rose petals. So we’ll skip over that topic altogether and discuss something a bit less alienating and more engaging: the honeymoon. Following the wedding, Rickey and the newly minted Mrs. Henderson will depart for Costa Rica, a strange and mysterious country of which Rickey knows relatively little (this will become quickly apparent as you read onwards). And so, dear reader, we proudly present:

Rickey’s Comprehensive Costa Rica Travel Guide

Costa Rica! A country of natural beauty and splendor! Home of primo coffee beans, world class sport fishing, and the hit TV series “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!” Costa Rica: the Switzerland of Latin America! Rickey and Ms. Henderson are thrilled to be spending three weeks in this virtually untouched Eden and yet there are most definitely several issues that those who travel to this exotic land must be aware of. For your enlightenment, we’ve listed them below.

Bandits. Here’s where Rickey sets the bar for this honeymoon’s success: NOT GETTING KIDNAPPED. If bandits kidnap the Hendersons and call their families demanding some sort of ransom, things will not go well. Rickey’s parents will kindly inform the bandits that they’re all tapped out after the wedding and recommend that the bandits have Rickey do some manual labor because he could use some sun and exercise.

Dengue Fever. We didn’t even know what this still existed until a day ago. This curious flu like disease has killed off no less than 35 supporting characters in various Hemmingway novels and now looms large over the Hendersons. Rickey and Ms. Henderson aren’t getting shots for any diseases, so wish ‘em luck with this one. Symptoms include high fever, severe headache, joint and muscle pain, nausea, vomiting, rash, and everyone’s favorite ailment: hysterical blindness.

Local Food. Is actually pretty good stuff from what Rickey’s read. Mmmm fish tacos…. We’re sure that one day the Costa Ricans will submit to our greasy American fast food legacy, but until then, Rickey’s got bigger things to worry about while on his honeymoon such as…

Mel Gibson. Apparently he dwells somewhere on the Pacific side. He moved his family there a few months back, presumably in an attempt to live in a country where there are no Jews. Well guess what Mr. Gibson? The Hendersons are inbound, and they’re bringing the Hebrew horde with ‘em. Before you know it, you’ll be up to your eyeballs in skilled lawyers, amiable accountants, and doctors with excellent bedside manner. Tremble, Mel, tremble!

Volcanoes. Coasta Rica has a whopping five volcanoes, one of which is very much alive and erupts every day. Should a full scale eruption occur, Rickey will have mere seconds to react, because lava travels faster than the speed of sound. Or something like that anyway. (Rickey snoozed through 8th grade Geology).

Roads. Apparently navigating the roads in Costa Rica is treacherous enough as it is, let alone for a guy who plans on administering himself a liter of rum daily while he’s down there. But hey, Rickey drove up Mt. Washington, so he should be adequately prepared. We hope.

Snakes. Look, Rickey freaked out when he saw a tiny garden snake last weekend. Costa Rica has angry pit vipers and other serpents that conceal themselves in trees. Rickey has briefed Ms. Henderson that in the event of a snake sighting she is not to tell Rickey about it. Should Rickey see a snake then he is to make good use of the rape whistle around his neck. The plan is ironclad.

Bees. All honey bees in Costa Rica are of the Africanized variety, which is to say that they’re killer bees. Terrific. In hopes of fending them off, Rickey fully plans on bringing a few Wu-Tang Clan albums along with him. That should placate them, yes?

Monkeys. If a coworker’s advice is to be believed (and really, who doesn’t heed 30 second tidbits of advice from coworkers in the elevator?) then the monkeys in Costa Rica are force to be reckoned with. They’re smart. They’ll steal your belongings if you leave them unattended. Let those simians try and pull something with Rickey--he looks forward to wrestling a monkey. Rickey estimates that he could easily best at least 13 monkeys before they overwhelmed him.

Velociraptors. Based on everything we’ve heard, these guys are a real menace. They're the complete package: lethal yet devious. They’ll break in to your hotel room, figure out the combination to your luggage and completely rearrange your socks. Lousy raptors. If Rickey sees a can of Barbasol in the jungle, you'd damn well better believe he's steering clear of it.