Friday, April 10, 2009

Why is This Blog Post Different From All Other Blog Posts?

Because in this blog post, we discuss a most Hebraically significant day. For our uninformed gentile friends who focus their attention on the Easter Bunny or Crime Fightin' Chocolate Jesus, or whatever it is you non-chosen ones like to worship this weekend, the Jewish holiday of Passover commemorates the Exodus of Ron Jeremy's ancestors from Egypt. Moses, decidedly unhappy with the Pharaoh's refusal to pay his laborers prevailing wage rates on a handful of major construction projects, gathered up his peeps and walked off the jobsite altogether, never to return. Meanwhile, back in Egypt, mass chaos erupted when it was discovered that all the workers had left their tasty Pillsbury crescents in the oven and frogs started plummeting from the sky, much like the end of "Magnolia," only without musical accompaniment from Aimee Mann. After a brief jaunt in the desert, Moses settled his people in a nice sunny spot by the sea where they lived happily ever after and no one ever bothered them again. The End.

And that's Passover in a nutshell. For the first time in a while, Rickey's not going to a sedar. Is this a development that Rickey is a little, shall we say, Baruch Attah el-annoyed with? Not really. The lack of a formal sedar suits Rickey just fine--it's all about the food anyway, why pretend otherwise? So Rickey will be merely cooking for the occasion--trying his hand at some sort of yet undetermined roast beef dish and serving up his trusty matzo ball soup.

Because an integral part of any respectable Passover sedar involves some sort of game for gullible children, we feel that now is an entirely fitting time to announce the winner of our caption contest from earlier in the week. A hearty mazel tov goes out to Smitty, of Around the Keg, for grasping the low hanging fruit Rickey dangled in front of him and squeezing comedy gold from it. Smitty, your prize awaits--email Rickey at manofsteal@live.com with your mailing address, full social security number, and mother's maiden name, and we'll dispatch your signed photo posthaste. Enjoy the holiday weekend everybody. Boils, hail, and locusts permitting, we'll be back on Monday.

Stumble Upon Toolbar

7 comments:

Bob said...

Outstanding.

New jewish pick up line:

"Hey baby, wanna hook up? Ron Jeremy is one of my peeps."

Smitty said...

How Christians ever came to equate the Easter Bunny with the re-birth of the prophet we call our savior, I will never understand. Jewish symbolism and holidays are so straightforward. Christians? A rabbit and a fat dude in a red suit.

Sassdawg. said...

Ricky,

We are doing Mrs Henderson's Strawberry Cupcakes for Easter Sunday, we were unable to find a 1oz bottle of Strawberry liquor for the frosting, so hopefully they're as good as you claimed. Alas, we were unable to locate Zeus Semen.

steves said...

I think that most Christians understand the the Easter Bunny and Santa are secular and have nothing to do with the relgious holiday.

Anonymous said...

我的夢想是成為一個專業的包裝設計師。

Smitty said...

I think that most Christians understand the the Easter Bunny and Santa are secular and have nothing to do with the relgious holiday.

way to miss the humor, steves.

HUNG SO LO said...

AN UPDATED TREATISE ON THE NEED FOR A SEMITIC MODERN MASTURBATION MENTALITY


By Rebbe Moshe “hung so lo“ Rabeynu, March 23, 2009
comments

CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS MUST BE INCULCATED AS TO THE BENEFITS OF MASTURBATION IN THE ATTAINMENT AND MAINTENANCE OF A HEALTHY MIND AND A HEALTHY BODY! PENT UP SEXUAL FRUSTRATION IN CHILDREN HAS NEVER BEEN HONESTLY AND ADEQUATELY DISCUSSED AND DEALT WITH IN JEWISH DISCOURSE AND DOCTRINE. MODERN LIFESTYLES AFFORD INDIVIDUALS THE PRIVACY AND HYGIENIC FACILITIES NECESSARY TO MASTURBATE IN A PRIVATE, DIGNIFIED AND SANITARY MANNER. ONE CAN WELL UNDERSTAND THE IRE THAT WAS AROUSED BY MASTURBATING INDIVIDUALS FOUR THOUSAND YEARS AGO WHEN AN ENTIRE LARGE FAMILY LIVED TOGETHER IN A TENT IN AN ARID LOCATION. NOBODY WANTED TO HAVE A WAD OF FLYING JISSUM HIT HIM IN THE EYE OR LAND IN HIS HUMUS. WATER WAS SCARCE AND ONE HAD TO WALK , SOMETIMES LONG DISTANCES, TO THE WELL TO GET IT, IF IT WAS AVAILABLE AT ALL. UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES IT WAS A CHOICE OF WATER FOR DRINKING OR WATER FOR WASHING EJACULATE OFF OF ONE’S HANDS. THIS IS WHY THE EARLY SAGES WERE SO VOCIFEROUS IN THEIR CONDEMNATION OF MASTURBATION. WE JEWISH PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A HORNY BUNCH AND, IF THERE WEREN'T THESE SEVERE STRICTURES AGAINST MASTURBATION AT THAT TIME, THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN ERRANT CUMSTAINS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND THE SMELL OF FRESHLY RELEASED JISSUM WOULD HAVE WAFTED FAR AND WIDE, EVEN WITHIN THE HALLOWED HALLWAYS OF THE SACRED TEMPLE ITSELF. TIMES HAVE CHANGED. IF PARENTS TODAY STRESS THE BENEFITS OF MASTURBATION TO THEIR CHILDREN, THEY WILL HELP LESSEN THE OCCURRENCE OF STDs, AND UNPLANNED PREGNANCIES. SCHOLARSHIP LEVELS WOULD INCREASE DRAMATICALLY WITH THE RELEASE OF PENT UP ADOLESCENT EJACULATORY TENSION. .WHAT PARENT HASN’T FRETTED AND WORRIED OVER THE MOODINESS AND SURLINESS OF HIS ADOLESCENT OFFSPRING? THERE IS REALLY NO MYSTERY AS TO WHY THE LITTLE BASTARDS ARE ACTING OUT SO WILDLY. THEIR HORMONES ARE CAUSING THEM HIGH LEVELS OF DISCOMFORT AND FRUSTRATION. INSTEAD OF MAKING THEM MASTURBATE FURTIVELY UNDER THE BEDCOVERS IN A NIGHTLY GUILT- RIDDEN FRENZY OF PENT-UP SEXUAL DESIRE, THEY SHOULD BE GUIDED TO A CIVILIZED AND GUILT-FREE MASTURBATORY REGIMEN. IF NECESSARY, PARENTS SHOULD SET AN EXAMPLE FOR THEIR CHILDREN AS TO THE PROPER METHODOLOGY FOR THIS ACTIVITY AND FOLLOW UP AND MAKE SURE THAT THEIR CHILDREN ARE MASTURBATING REGULARLY AT AN OPTIMUM FREQUENCY. KEEPING A MASTURBATION DIARY COULD BE A VERY USEFUL TOOL IN MAINTAINING THE PROPER SCHEDULE. EVERY PARENT SHOULD ASK HIS CHILDREN ON A DAILY BASIS, "DID YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND MASTURBATE TODAY?" OH, OF COURSE, THE CHABADNIKS AND THE FRUMNIKS AND THE HAREDINIKS WILL YELL OUT, "BUT RAMBAM SAID THIS, AND RASHI SAID THAT AND RABBI AKIVA SAID THIS, AND THAT, ABOUT THE EVILS OF MASTURBATION." PROBABLY ALL THREE OF THEM WERE MASTURBATING WHILE THEY WERE WRITING THESE STRICTURES, ANOTHER CASE OF "DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO". WE MUST NOT CONTINUE TO LET OTHERS DO OUR THINKING FOR US UNDER THE GUISE OF DIVINE REVELATION AND RELIGIOUS EXPERTISE. WE CANNOT LET BACKWARD LOOKING ZEALOTS WITH THEIR ARCHAIC, OUTDATED AND ANACHRONISTIC MORALISTIC MISCONCEPTIONS CAST THEIR PALL OVER THE HEALTH-CONSCIOUS MASTURBATORS OF THE WORLD. SHALOM AND ZEI GEZUNT!

Rabbi Rabeynu is available for additional advice and discussion on HTTP://theyeshivabucher.blogspot.com