Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Reviews of New Products: Rickey Tests Hot Glove

In the Arthurian tradition, there's a longstanding theme of the hero suiting up for battle. Whether it's St. George donning his armor to go off and fight the dragon, or James Bond getting some high tech gadgets from Q, or Batman buckling his utility belt, the common theme is that the hero needs to be equipped with the tools with which to embark upon their quest. And it is that great and noble Arthurian tradition that led to Rickey standing flummoxed in a local Modell's sporting goods store gazing at shelves of softball gloves late one weekday afternoon. Could Rickey have opted for a normal baseball glove, one that wasn't 14 inches wide and looked like a gigantic leather basket on the end of a twig when Rickey slipped it on his hand? Arguably, yes, but Rickey is participating in a softball league, and the proper tools to do the job are essential, you fool. Besides, it's strangely comforting to know that somewhere, a burly 6'3 high schooler is using the same exact glove, and she's winning, damnit. She's winning. And so, glove tucked under his arm, Rickey headed for the checkout aisle.

Of course the bigger challenge is breaking in a softball glove in a relatively short amount of time. Enter stage right: HOT GLOVE. Normally, Rickey is highly skeptical of wonder products like this, but what cinched the deal was it's ringing endorsement from the one and only Bobby Cox. Quoth the famed ill-tempered Atlanta Braves coach: "it really works great!" Well that's all Rickey needed to hear. If the guy who won every single NL East division title from 1866 to 2005 is endorsing a product, then Rickey is most definitely sold.
Much like Bobby Cox, this caustic substance is designed to wear things down. Much like Bobby Cox, it is also highly explosive, yet curiously ineffective after repeated use. Also, much like Bobby Cox, the instructions are completely incomprehensible, so we'll break it down for you in simple terms. In a manner similar to Bobby Cox's method of getting himself ejected from games, you work it up into a foamy froth, then proceed to slather the gunk all over your newly purchased glove. Preheat an oven to 300 degrees, roughly the same internal temperature as Bobby Cox's gall bladder, and pop the glove in there for 4 minutes. During those 4 minutes, feel free to muse upon the fact that Bobby Cox is just a handful of games short of being ejected for an entire season. Dwell on the possibility that in the steroid era, Bobby Cox's career ejection record may be the only legitimate statistic on the books. When the 4 minutes are up, take the glove out, flex it for a while, and you're good to go. Repeat as necessary.

Rickey's verdict: after three applications, this Hot Glove stuff works wonderfully and Rickey is now in possession of well-weathered softball glove. Further applications beyond that seem to be governed by the law of diminishing returns. Rickey now eagerly awaits the start of softball season, as well as his royalties check from the Hot Glove people.

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20 comments:

Smitty said...

When I first saw your headline, my brain led me to all sorts of other way darker possibilities as to the subject matter. Thank God it was about a baseball glove product, and not something my mind otherwise told me it could be.

Rickey Henderson said...

Although you've got to admit Smitty--a blog post that started off by ranting about the Aurthurian tradition and then segwayed into a product review for a, ahem, marital aid would've been brilliant.

BTW, did you receive Rickey's care package?

Toasty Joe said...

You gotta love products where they were too cheap to obtain licensing rights from the team, so they slap a picture of Bobby Cox on there wearing some indistinguishable, generic "baseball uniform."

Toasty Joe said...

Oh, and by the way...

Quoth the famed ill-tempered Atlanta Braves coach: "it really works great!"To be fair, he probably thought he was endorsing Tuck's Medicated Pads.

Smitty said...

BTW, did you receive Rickey's care package?Oh, I did indeed, and laughed for a half hour. Your return care package will ship next Monday via FedEx.

a blog post that started off by ranting about the Aurthurian tradition and then segwayed into a product review for a, ahem, marital aid would've been brilliant. I want that blog post.

Rickey Henderson said...

Heh, here goes... And it is that great and noble Arthurian tradition that led to Rickey standing in a local sex shop debating which double ended dolphin shaped dildo to procure late one weekday afternoon.

weesle909 said...

Rickey, where does one procure "Hot Glove" quickly. Seriously, my son's first little league game is Sunday, so time is limited.

Thanks.

Rickey Henderson said...

Wait, Rickey actually convinced somebody to buy something? Fascinating.

If you have a Modells or a Dicks Sporting Goods near you, both stores carry this product.

Toasty Joe said...

So let me get this straight - I can get Hot Glove at Dick's?

Bob said...

I am looking forward to Rickey's review of the "Fleshlight".

(No photos please)

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