Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Scenes From the Henderson Household

[one evening, at the Henderson abode, the following conversation ensues]

Rickey: Oh by the way, my mom bought yet another candelabra for the wedding. Here's a picture.

Ms. Henderson: Oh, nice. Looks good.

Rickey: Hey, does it feel like we've got an excess of candles?

Ms. H: No, why?

Rickey: I dunno, it just feels like this is turning into less of a wedding and more of a Meatloaf music video. Seriously, at what point do we need to start worrying about fire code violations?

[long hard stare from Ms. Henderson]

Rickey: Hey, why don't I go put stamps on the wedding invites?

Ms. H: Yes, why don't you go do that. You think you can handle it?

Rickey: Yes dear, I'm perfectly up to the complicated task of affixing stamps to envelopes.

Ms. H: Just put them on carefully--I spent an entire month schlepping to post offices searching for nice looking stamps with the correct postage.

Rickey: I still don't see why the "Legends of the WWF!" stamps wouldn't have worked...

Ms. H: And this is why you're not in charge of table decorations. Now get stamping.

[30 minutes later, Ms. Henderson inspects Rickey's work]

Ms. H: You are aware that in this country it's customary to put stamps on the right corner of the envelope and not the left corner, yes?

Rickey: Oh fuck me.

[30 frustrated minutes later of stamp removal]

Ms. H: Ok, now we assemble all the invitations. The invite card goes in the back, then the stamped RSVP envelope, then the RSVP card, then the website card, then it all goes in the blank envelope, which is stuffed into the addressed envelope, which we then seal shut. Got it?

Rickey: Explain to me why we're not paying someone to do this.

Ms. H: Because the wedding invitation people wanted $1,000.

Rickey: Fair point.

Ms. H: Pay close attention to what you're doing. If you forget to put something into an envelope, we won't know until the end.

Rickey: No dillydallying. Stay focused. Devil's in the details. Got it. I shall tame this Kafkaesque beast.

Ms. H: You do that.

Rickey: Why am I suddenly reminded of that scene of the office in "Brazil"?

Ms. H: Beats me, but you can hum the theme song if it helps.

Rickey: dum dum dum, dum da dum da dum... dum dum dum, dum da dum da dum... dum dum dum, dum da dum da dum...

Ms. H: Yeah, that's enough of that.

[45 minutes later]

Rickey: Done! [rises triumphantly to play Halo]

Ms. H: Uh, sweetie...

Rickey: Oh no, is that...?

Ms. H: Yes, there's an extra RSVP envelope lying on the table. We need to go through all the envelopes to mind the missing culprit.

[Captain Haddock-like cursing erupts in the Henderson household]

[30 long minutes later]

Rickey: Ok, we found it, crisis resolved. Now we mail these things off, right?

Ms. H: Yes, but there's a catch.

Rickey: There's always a catch.

Ms. H: We have to hand stamp each envelope with a special seal that the post office gives us. Otherwise, they'll feed all the invites through an automated machine to do it which will bend and mess them up.

Rickey: So a slightly crinkled wedding invitation mailed to a distant relative on the West Coast carries less weight and gravitas than a spiffy one?

Ms. H: Pretty much, yes.

Rickey: I think we should scatter DaVinci Code like clues throughout the invites which the recipient will need to decipher in order to discover the time and location of the wedding.

Ms. H: I think you should shut up and go play Halo.

[exeunt Rickey]

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12 comments:

Bob said...

Ms. H: I think you should shut up and go play Halo.

Sounds like mission accomplished to me.

Haley said...

Indeed, the proper stamp sets the tone for the entire occasion.

Did I ever tell you guys about having to explain to the nice woman at the Post Office why a Purple Heart stamp actually wasn't entirely appropriate for a bridal shower invitation?

Smitty said...

why a Purple Heart stamp actually wasn't entirely appropriate for a bridal shower invitation?

Why isn't it?

Ms. H: I think you should shut up and go play Halo.

Well played, Mr. Henderson. I have been thus far equally successful through similar tactics with laundry and folding the baby clothes. And Christmas cards. In fact, so good was I at Christmas card avoidance that I don't even have to sign them anymore.

Rickey Henderson said...

Haley: inquiring minds want to hear the rest of the story! (or is that it?)

Smitty: perhaps the military connotation of the Purple Heart doesn't jive with the wedding vibe?

Maybe the purple heart stamps should wait for the invitations for the couples' 25th anniversary party? When the married couple truly deserves to be honored for their time served?

Haley said...

Well, after thinking about this a bit more, that girl kind of deserved a medal for the emotional wounds she suffered during years of dating... so maybe I should have gone with the Purple heart. Love is a battlefield, yes?

But at the time all I could envision were bleeding soldiers, and I thought it might put the ladies off their brunch. So they got the no more fitting, but less Nam-flashback inducing Liberty Bell stamp.

Adam said...

You should have seen the stamps for the Bachelor Party invites- Great Guillotines of the French Revolution!

(zing!)

Mike said...

. . . because when I receive a wedding invitation the first thing I look at is the stamp.

Mrs. Mike and I have been known to refuse to attend weddings of family and close friends based on sub-standard stamps and stamping.

Oh Rick, I wish I could advise you, but it looks as though the ship has sailed!

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Adam said...

Looks like there's a glitch in the Matrix OR one of Raji's girlfriends just wanted to comment on the post...

Rickey Henderson said...

Adam, rule #43 of blogging: don't piss off the guy you're relying upon for Mets tickets. (Even if he does have a thing for the Hello Kitty contingent).

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