Tuesday, February 24, 2009

They Will Beat Their Bats Into Pool Cues... Their Mitts Into Chalk Squares

Via The Bleacher Report:

"The Yankees start playing games on Wednesday so manager Joe Girardi took advantage of one of the few days they have without obligations to take his team out for a relationship building exercise: a pool tournament. 'I’ve never been on a team that’s done something like this before, but I often wondered why,' Girardi said. 'There’s a lot of other sports that do these types of things. We can get away from the park and enjoy each other off the field and get to know each other.'"

A spontaneous trip to the local billiards hall? How exactly does something like this go down? If it were a music video (in Rickey's mind, every awkward situation should be remixed into a hilarious YouTube music video) Joe Girardi would buoyantly stroll into the locker room, his pants hiked up to his sternum in customary Girardi fashion. "Hey fellas, let's shoot some pool!" would erupt from the normally stoic Yankee skipper's mouth. At which point, classic 80's pop hit "Walkin on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves suddenly starts playing and the entire team rushes out to the parking lot and jubilantly piles into their cherry red jalopies.

The pool hall scene is much like you'd expect: Derek Jeter wants to know if anybody's got change for the jukebox so he can rock out to "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham! just one more time, Hideki Matsui won't stop creepily staring at the ladies across the room, Mark Teixiera belligerently accuses a group of Puerto Ricans of stealing his wallet and starts saying really really racist things, Johnny Damon tries unsuccessfully to get his teammates to sing "You've Lost that Lovin Feeling" to woo the cute female bartender, and Alex Rodriguez spends the entire two hours crying and masturbating angrily in the men's bathroom. You know, pretty much boilerplate Yankee stuff.

(Consider this whimsical missive Rickey's unofficial "help wanted" ad for a graphics/video editor to help bring creations like this to life for RwR. The pay is... well, there's no pay, but the position will undoubtedly earn you countless accolades and a myriad of shiny trinkets to place upon your mantle. Also, you get the privilege of receiving late night angry phone calls from Rickey demanding you make your deadline. How could you possibly go wrong?)

Moving on to a different section of Florida... Did you know that the Mets participate in this Spring Training thing too, just like the Yankees do? True story! Were you aware that we've got a stadium down there and a handful of fans who show up to watch as the Mets quietly prepare for the 2009 Baseball Season? Unbelievable, yet entirely factual!

Now down to the important stuff. Yes, shoring up the bullpen was sorely needed, but how difficult is it for the Mets to add a few righty bats to the lineup? Possibly even one that can play second base and doesn't weigh 380 pounds? Too many lefties do not a solid lineup make. For those who haven't been following the baseball season in it's embryonic stage, here's what the Mets starting lineup is shaping up to look like:

1) Luis Tittyfucking Castillo (why god, why?) - Switch
2) Moleman - Switch
3) Rickey II: Dominican Boogaloo - Switch
4) Golden Boy - Righty
5) Cerrano the Allstate Spokesman - Lefty
6) Churchy Le Pew - Lefty
7) Daniel O' Murphy, the Demon Leprechaun of 'O Connell Street - Lefty

Zounds, that's too many goddamned lefties in the lineup! You think that the notion of getting shut out by Jamie Moyer five times in 2009 appeals to Rickey? Yes, Rickey knows that examples of creative and successful southpaws abound, such as Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, and scores of U.S. Presidents, but there are more ominous ones too, like Jack the Ripper, the Boston Strangler, and Sarah Jessica Parker. This all warrants mention.

And what of all this talk of Reyes batting second behind Castillo? Rickey's theory is that it's some sort of cruel psychological experiment on Jerry Manuel's part. The man is fucking with us. He's got to be. Even if If Castillo somehow manages to hit over .300 with a near .400 obp, (i.e., if JFK diverts the flight paths for all airborne pigs to fly directly over Citi Field) then Reyes should still bat first, and Castillo second. Or never. That works too. Does Manuel not remember what Shea sounded like when Reyes got a leadoff hit to kick off a game?

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CajoleJuice said...

Murphy will NEED to hit second in the lineup when he's playing (which is hopefully every game). There's no way you can have your 5-8 hitters all be lefties. I would seriously put Castillo 9th and the pitcher 8th in the order. The rest of the lineup keep in the same. When Tatis is playing, at least he'll be able to break up the lefties.

Adam said...

I think putting out a contract for Castillo's head will be a lot more helpful to your mental health than having someone make a video of the Yanks playing 8-ball.

Take Luis out of the equation and the whole team gets better.

steves said...

Two seriously funny blog entries in a row. You are on a roll!

steves said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rickey Henderson said...

Cajole: Yeah, count Rickey in on the Murphy batting second bandwagon.

Adam: It's been said before, but not going after Orlando Hudson was a massive oversight on Omar's part.

Rickey Henderson said...

Adam: Rickey's mental health? Rickey's always puzzled when people bring this up. Sure, Rickey's a little crazy. Crazy like a fox. A fox that is REALLY GOOD AT BLOGGING.

Grant Miller said...

I hear Jeter is a switch hitter.

Mike said...

I hear that Jerry is gonna bat Wright FIFTH, behind Delgado, because he doesn't want so many lefties back-to-back.


Mike said...

Where oh where has Rickey gone?

(Where oh where can he be?)

I read yesterday that Rickey Henderson was preparing his HOF induction speech, but that shouldn't prevent a week and a half of blogging, should it? That must be some speech.

George said...

Rickey, Mike now blogs more than you do.

Heck, he's even appeared on your blog more than you have of late.

Mike said...

Mike now blogs more than you do.

Heck, he's even appeared on your blog more than you have of late.

Hey now!

Rickey Henderson said...

Yeah yeah yeah... Rickey's been lax. Things are kinda busy/crazy at the moment, but that's no excuse. Look for a write up of "Watchmen" in the coming days and perhaps a tasty recipe.

Diesel said...

You've put far too much thought into this. And by "this," I mean "sports."

Toasty Joe said...

OK, Rickey, check the ol' blog and enjoy.