Friday, February 13, 2009

On Evil

Evil people walk amongst us. And there's a certain pecking order to them. Somewhere in between your low level evildoers like the debt consolidators who cold call you at dinner time and your more high ranking ones such as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad falls the ultimate evildoer: the late night vandal. You see, Rickey woke this morning to a horrific sight: the left side of his car entirely covered in egg shells and hardened yellow egg gunk. Naturally, calamity promptly ensued in the Henderson household. This is not the sort of thing that Rickey is adequately prepared to handle prior to his customary morning cup of coffee.

Rickey's not entirely sure what he might have done to draw the wrath of the criminal network of young hooligans that menace the darkened streets of Tarrytown, New York, so we're assuming it was a purely random act of vandalism. Here's how Rickey assumes this crime played out: a group of Dickensian ragamuffins, fresh off their shift at the local meat packing plant, targeted Rickey's automobile as a means of distracting themselves from their cripplingly painful arthritic stricken joints due to years of industrial labor. The smallest of the bunch perched himself in a tree, serving as a lookout (in situations like this, there's always a lookout). And then the rapscallions joyously pummeled Rickey's car with an entire carton full of chemically laced unfertilized chicken eggs (presumably the slave wages paid at the local meat packing plant didn't allow the bastards buy the free range organic variety). Then they vanished into the dark night to play some rousing games of Nine Men Morris and Blind Man's Bluff in an effort to forget their painful arthritis and coal lined lungs.

Now if this were an episode of "24," Rickey would've had Chloe pull the feeds from all the surveillance cameras from the area, digitally enhance the images to track down the identities of these miscreants, and Rickey would proceed to interrogate them Jack Bauer style. Angry whispering would give way to outright yelling. A hacksaw would be utilized at some point. The Geneva Conventions would be gleefully shirked. Sadly (or luckily, in Ms. Henderson and Rickey's lawyer's case) no such surveillance cameras exist, and a thorough car wash hopefully will remove all the offending egg gunk, thereby effectively resolving the situation. Sweet sweet vengeance upon these anonymous vandals will have to wait for another day. Until that day, Rickey will have to make do with watching this over and over:

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Nooter said...

bet it was some punk adolescent rooster who had a roll in the hay with his hen, then when it came time to care for the offspring, well you know, some guys just arent ready for fatherhood. its a shame really, those babies couldve become someones omelet or eventually a chicken wing meal.

Adam said...

To paraphrase Vincent Vega's heroin dealer "You do not fuck with another man's vehicle!"

George said...

Sorry about this, Rickey! But when life gives you an egged car, make blog post is what I always say.

wfta said...

I can't beleave something like this could happen in Tarrytown.

Smitty said...

What is the world coming to when vandals can't use organic, free-range eggs???

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Points for using "ragamuffin".

Alex L said...

Egg is meant to be a bitch to clean off isn't it, just be glad they weren't rotten, or were they?

George said...

Are you still washing the egg off? Doing time after catching the perps and beating them to a pulp?

Bob said...

The real question is what kind of car? I think that will help sort out the perpetrator’s motivation.

1) If the car is a Dodge Viper, Ferrari, Corvette ZR-1, Porsche 911, etc, the perp is probably an envious prick from the wrong side of the tracks.
2) Hummer H-1 or H-2: Perp. is a lefty, flaming tree-hugger who thinks all will be right in the environmental world when a model of automobile is destroyed.
3) Dodge Caravan or other suitable family vehicle: Perp. is a random kid in the neighborhood.
4) Toyota Prius: SUV driver who is sick of smug asshole hybrid drivers. (See #2, but in reverse.)
5) Honda Accord, Toyota Camry or other mass-produced import: Perp. Could be a laid off, big three worker.
6) Toyota Tundra – Perp. drives an F-150, period.
7) Does car have a “My kid is a honor student at…” sticker? If so, you had it coming.
8) Does car have an Obama/Biden ’08 sticker, right next to a rainbow flag? If so, look up all registered Republicans in the n’hood and cross reference with the white supremacists and you probably have your perpetrator.