Thursday, January 31, 2008

Rambo Refuses to Answer Rickey's Questions

Rickey hasn’t seen it yet, but the new Rambo movie came out last weekend, a film which A.O. Scott called “a blood bath punctuated by occasional bouts of clumsy dialogue…. …[the movie] has unhinged, sadistic genocidal violence and righteous retribution for same.” Sounds like a great date flick to Rickey! One of the trailers Rickey watched appears to show Stallone literally punching someone’s head off. In the physical universe that we inhabit, is that sort of thing even possible?

To promote the opening of this latest bloody valentine to the misguided notion of go it alone militarism, Sly decided to sit down and answer a few questions in the form of fan emails. Sadly, Rickey’s snarky questions were not selected. Therefore, we feel obligated to share them with you here:

1) Call me crazy, but "Over the Top" one of my favorite films of yours. My favorite part of the movie is when you plow through your father-in-law's gates with your mack truck in a moment of pure man-passion. One thing that has always confused me is the lack of explosion when your truck hits the gates. For an 80's movie, an explosion is notably lacking in that shot. What happened?

2) Also, in "Over the Top" your character's penultimate line is "When I turn the hat around it’s like a switch." I find this quote to be deeply touching and inspirational. In your personal life, do you have anything like that? A song, a gesture, or a mannerism that gets you geared up? Something that makes you want to ram your head through a goddamned brick wall?

3) I read somewhere that on the "Over the Top," soundtrack Sammy Hagar's version of the "Winner Takes All" was picked over the version performed by Asia. Why was this decision made and will the original version performed by Asia ever see the light of day?

What, too tongue-in-cheek? What’s not to love about a ridiculously cheesy 80’s movie about a trucker arm wrestling to win the love of his son? Alright fine then, next time Rickey will only submit questions about the cinematic tour de force that is “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot.”

Rickey has it on good authority that the folks at Humor-Blogs are penning the script for "Judge Dredd II: The Appeal."

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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

You Must Admit, You Brought This On Yourselves

Much to our amusement, the good folks at Armchair GM have released their TECMO Bowl simulation of this Sunday’s big game. But that’s not nearly whimsical enough for a dreary Wednesday, now is it? No sir, it is not. You folks are in need some hard hitting sports journalism and are probably wondering: Rickey, where’s your in-depth coverage of the upcoming Puppy Bowl IV? Valid question friend, we’re glad you asked.

For those not in the know, the Puppy Bowl is a special that Animal Planet has been running during the Superbowl for the past three years and we’ll be damned if it’s not cutest thing you’ll ever witness on television. It’s essentially television counterprogramming: something to placate the legions of men & women who, curiously enough, aren’t all that enthralled with the idea of watching athletic monstrosities in tight pants brutalize each other during this year's Superbowl. And in the breathless 24-hour ESPN news cycle, can you really blame them? To be completely honest, from a football fan like Rickey’s perspective, this Puppy Bowl thing is a whole helluva lot more entertaining than the actual Superbowl will ever be.

See, unlike say, Cute Overload, a website which nearly gives Rickey a full blown diabetic attack every time he visits it, this Puppy Bowl thing doesn’t reach for the cheap “awwwww.” You’ll find no airbrushed photos of doe eyed bunnies in clover fields here, no sir—this is the real deal. Authentic! It’s simply a video of puppies frolicking on a miniature football field. And Rickey’s seriously considering live blogging it. Or at the very least placing some kind of wager on the over/under of “number of mindbogglingly adorable cocking-of-the-head incidents” (hello, blossoming gambling problem!)

But don’t take our word for it, let’s go to the video. Since the heartless bastards at Animal Planet won’t let Rickey embed their videos on this site, you have to do the following:

1) Go here.
2) Look on the side panel, scroll down to the bottom and select the “Puff Balls Gang Up” clip (it’s the best of the bunch).
3) Achieve a state of inner serenity by watching puppies scamper around.

We don’t care who you are, that’s some genuinely heart warming stuff. It’s no exaggeration to pontificate that it Hitler had been presented with one of these puppies, he’d probably have struck with the painting gig rather than yelling about lebensraum in beer halls.

*For those of you just joining us, yes, Rickey just suggested that the Holocaust could have been prevented by gifting a puppy. Tune in tomorrow as Rickey explains how The Ottoman War could have been avoided with a hamster exchange!

Anyhow, those three Samoyed siblings are pure dynamite—real bruisers and super fucking cute to boot. Watch carefully at the 2:00 mark of the video for what Rickey will henceforth refer to as the “Samoyed Power Slam of Ultimate Destruction.” Speaking as someone who’s grown up with Samoyeds as pets, Rickey can tell you that yes, they’re absolutely adorable as puppies, but once they hit the 70 pound mark, things become just a bit more complicated. You know how people don’t buy white cars because they get dirty too easily? Well Samoyeds are pretty much the dog version of that school of thought. But hey, if you’ve ever wanted to own a playful dog that’s 50% wolf, 50% polar bear, and 100% percent awesome, them Sammys are for you.

Last year, Bomber, one the Samoyeds, won MVP. But here’s the rub: looking at the starting lineup for PB IV, no Samoyeds are listed, and Rickey takes serious issue with that. How do you not bring another Samoyed back this year? That’s like watching an AFC Championship without the Colts! Pure Insanity! Rickey will be watching Puppy Bowl IV again this year, but only under protest.

Humor has gone to the dogs over at Humor-Blogs. (Oh sweet Christ, did Rickey really just type that? Shoot Rickey now...)

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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

JOHAN!? QUE RIDICULO!

You know what makes Rickey grin from ear to ear? Hearing that the guy pictured below is going to be playing for the New York Mets in 2008 (and well beyond).

Yep, sports fans, ace pitcher Johan Santana is on the cusp of becoming a Metropolitan. Trading only Gomez, Humber, Guerra, and Mulvey to get Santana is a phenomenal coup for Omar Minaya and easily the biggest Mets acquisition since the signing of one Mike Piazza. For those amongst you who are not baseball inclined and have no idea who Johan Santana is, trust us, he's rather good. Think something along the lines of "if Jesus could play baseball" good and you're on the right track.

Does this make up for September's staggering collapse? No. Will the New York Mets continue to be a threat to the sanity of their fans? Most likely. Does this transaction help explain or clarify the ridiculously lopsided Lastings Milledge trade? Not so much. Is there a risk of Willie Randolph putting Santana in the bullpen? Indeed. But for the moment, let's bask in the joy of knowing that the guy who pulled off the awesomeness depicted here will be spending the next few years making crowds roar in Queens. Viva Los Mets.

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The Airing Of Grievances: In Which Rickey Reviews the Reviewers

Lately we’ve noticed a slight uptick in web traffic coming to this site—primarily in the form of scores of chipper soccer moms and hausfraus. And with this influx of new visitors comes the increasing chance that not everyone will appreciate or enjoy the particular brand of humor we’re selling here. Naturally, this is completely unacceptable. So when healthy dissent rears its ugly head in the form of some less than stellar reviews for this site, Rickey feels the need to speak up just a little bit louder and more belligerently than usual. Indeed, our intent is to put the whole system on trial here. Normally we’d get an ombudsman to do this sort of thing, but since ours is apparently on permanent vacation Rickey’s just going to have to handle this crisis himself. Anyhow, here’s what some of the reviewers said that shattered Rickey’s tenuous calm:

“Despite my concern he has a mental disorder I like the blog.”

…..annnnnnnnnd that’s actually the best review we received. We just might put that up under the banner. It all does downhill from there.

“Maybe it's just not my style of humor because I felt like I just didn't get it. I did like his use of photographs, though.”

Ooh, you like pretty pictures? Gosh, Rickey sure hopes you dig all the Robert Mapplethorpe photos he’s planning on emailing you! Don’t worry: we’ll leave out the ones of the flowers!

“I don't think this blog is meant to be funny. It has a lot of serious stuff in it.”

Awww, did all our nonexistent talk about String Theory break your brain? Sorry if our musings on weighty issues such as Tort reform and the socioeconomic ramifications of the Bretton Woods Conference are taking up valuable real estate that would be better occupied by a picture of two lolcats tilling a soybean field. We’ll get right on that one bozo.

“So I started thinking, "this guy has promise." But overall, I dont' think I'd go back just because it took me awhile to get into it.”

So I says to Mabel, I says… you won’t be returning here see how things turn out? Toodle-o then cupcake. Rickey’s got a trained chimp hitting F5 every seven minutes to make up for your notable absence on this site. We’ll be just fine.

“The posts are too long, didn’t even smile once. One of my personal pet peeves is when people refer to themselves in the third person and do so throughout the post. Like nails on chalkboard for me.”

Not a big fan of Rickey’s run-on sentences? No worries, Rickey makes tons of declarative three word statements as well! Like snow falling on cedars for illiterate Faulknerian man-child!

“I couldn't surf away from this blog fast enough. Sports, Politics, ACH. And yes, both of those topics could be funny? But in reality, are only funny if Jon Stewart is talking.”

Congratulations anonymous internet jackass, you’ve found a way to make Rickey dislike John Stewart! Seriously, the only way politics is funny to you is if John Stewart is making a goofy face while reporting on the news? You can’t laugh at the sheer lunacy of American politics without a jester prodding you? Are you fucking kidding us? Where’s your goddamned imagination? Focus panels consisting of troglodytes like yourself are precisely the reason why bland sitcoms like “The King of Queens” have run for nine mindbogglingly awful seasons.

Alright, so Rickey had to get that all out. And now that we’ve vented, let’s address the apparent problem here: none of you fuckheads have any sense of humor whatsoever. Ahhhhh, we kid, we kid. No, the problem is that the newcomer who stumbles upon this site simply has no idea what’s going on here. There are a whole lot of issues at play here and frankly, you need to be up to speed on them all. We were going to call this educational outreach program the “Raising Rickey Recognition Week,” but someone was whining about our excessive use of alliteration in the reviews. Therefore, we’re dubbing it “Raising Rickey Awareness Week” instead in hopes of placating those with an inexplicable hatred for lyrical prose. So come with us as Rickey explains the inner workings of this blog, because really, we all need to be doing more to raise Rickey awareness.

First off, we understand that not everyone is a baseball fan. (In fact, an acquaintance of Rickey’s once remarked, “Look, the Mets’ new first base coach has the same name as the one on your blog! How weird is that?”). And we understand that an educated reader is the best variety of reader. So for those of you completely unfamiliar with the living legend that is Rickey Henderson, some of his choicest quotes and remarks have been compiled here and here. And his wiki page is here. No longer can you claim ignorance about the lunatic whose identity we’re brazenly pilfering, and no longer will such ignorance be tolerated.

And now let’s explain The Rules that govern this site, which are similar to those in “Scream,” only without David Arquette’s loathsome presence:

1) Rickey speaks entirely in the third person with the following exceptions:

  • When employing the editorial voice (this is used to mitigate the annoying repeated use of the third person voice).
  • When recounting or quoting conversations Rickey has previously had (this is done to convince the reader that Rickey is not quite insane enough
    yet to speak in the third person in real life).
  • When writing a witty tag for the bottom of the article.

2) Rickey doesn’t go out of his way for the cheap joke. We like to maintain some modicum of dignity while ranting and raving to anonymous strangers. If we just happen to stumble upon something that makes you chuckle a bit, then hey, all the better. But as a rule, we don’t reach.

3) Finally, and most importantly, Rickey subscribes to the belief that good comedy emerges from a well of unfathomably deep rage. If depression is anger turned inwards, then comedy is anger turned outwards. And as far as anger is concerned, “better out than in,” Rickey always says. You simply cannot be funny without tapping into that primal emotion.

And that’s it as far as the rules/guidelines go. Everyone up to speed now? Good. And please, only a few clicks a day on Humor-Blogs can circumvent the need for meta & self reflective posts like this to occur in the first place. Won’t someone please think of Rickey’s ego?

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Monday, January 28, 2008

Rickey Recommends

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and pieces of advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy this week’s installment of

RICKEY RECOMMENDS

Temperance. Here are two fun facts that Rickey wishes he’d remembered going into this past weekend: 1) alcohol is a depressant (or in some cases, a rage inducer) and, 2) a keg contains 150 beers. Turns out, that’s an awful lot of Old Milwaukee Light to consume when only six people out of a party of ten are beer drinkers. But hey, if you spent the weekend in a frozen, snowy region of the country in which students pretty much ride tauntauns to class, you’d have opted for the keg as well.

The Felice Brothers. We feel it is our to duty alert you to the presence of this little known folksy/country rock band hailing from the Catskill Mountains. Think something along the lines of the second coming of Bob Dylan or The Band and you’re on the right track. Go check out the track listing at their MySpace page--Rickey’s current favorite track of theirs is “Frankie’s Gun.”

Wearing a watch. Yes, Rickey knows, there’s no need for a watch now that multiple other devices in your life inform you of the time (your computer, cell phone, cable box, that guy who lives in the nearby park and likes to yell at the moon, etc.) but you know what? A little sophistication in the form of a wrist worn timepiece wouldn’t kill you, would it?

Bookmarking one of Rickey’s favorite webpages: Astronomy Picture of the Day. Some seriously awesome photos abound at this site. Take, for example, this incredible photo of a shelf cloud moving over the Saskatchewan prairie in Canada. It’s a pretty breathtaking photo, and Rickey’s pretty sure he’d think the world was coming to an end if he witnessed something like that firsthand.

Downloading the Guitar Hero III Classic Rock Pack at your earliest possible convenience. Here’s the thing: Guitar Hero III is ridiculously hard. So hard that Rickey has yet to beat the career mode. The game has essentially become Rickey’s own personal Vietnam—impossible to win or extricate from. But when new songs are released, Rickey simply must own them, especially when one of them is Journey’s “Any Way You Want it.” Download it, crank up the receiver, and pretend you’re starring in your very own Rodney Dangerfield movie: Annnnnny way you wannnnt it, Thatsssss the way I neeeeeeed it….!

Adopting an American League baseball franchise to root for on the side. This season, Rickey has chosen to follow the exploits of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (The Fish!). Call us nuts, but they seem like they’ll be a fun team to watch very soon…

Mobile 17. Hey kids, tired of paying unscrupulous service providers for ringtones? Ever wanted to flaunt your originality with something unique? Perhaps a ringtone of Willie Nelson singing “Danny Boy”? Well then, Mobile 17 has all your needs covered—they let you upload songs directly from your pc to their server and then send you the song. All you pay for is the text message. Now comes the hard part of deciding what ringtone best defines Rickey as an individual.

Keeping on the lookout for ninjas! Indeed, the NYC Ninja bandit has struck again. The people who were robbed whine a lot about how they feel violated and whatnot, but frankly, we think they should feel honored. Because really, how many people get robbed by ninjas these days? That burglar was ambitious enough to take the time and effort to learn the ways of the ninja and then completely pervert them by stealthily scaling up the side of your building and robbing you silly. Of course this would all seem much less funny if Rickey was unfortunate enough to live in Staten Island. But he isn’t, so therefore it is.

And remember, a click on Humor-Blogs is a click for victory.*

*Actually, apparently it isn’t since Rickey’s site received rather low marks by their reviewers, thereby assigning a ridiculously low ranking to RwR. This is indeed a deepening crisis which Rickey will be addressing tomorrow as he angrily defends his work like a Down's Syndrome afflicted preschooler after constructing his first sand castle.

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Friday, January 25, 2008

Sweet Sweet Schadenfreude

By now, you've most likely seen the Giants/Coming to America YouTube video that the kids are talking about. Rickey thinks he can do one better however. We're willing to bet that you haven't beheld this:



There's something sublimely brilliant about Hitler throwing a tantrum over the Cowboys' recent loss and whining about having just purchased a T.O. jersey.

Enjoy the weekend folks--Rickey's headed upstate to his alma mater for some collegiate hockey and alcohol consumption. Assuming we've still got a functioning sense of balance at the end of the weekend, we'll be back on Monday with recommendations. Perhaps the folks over at Humor-Blogs can keep you company until Rickey returns.

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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Has Blogging Gone Too Far? Story at 11!

Much to our general consternation and bewilderment, Rickey was tagged by Amy at Remote Access for a meme listing 8 random things about him. What’s a meme, you might ask? As far as we can deduce, it’s pretty much any idea that can be spread by imitation from blog to blog (i.e., a joke, a jingle, a trend, a list, a virus, or the creeping suspicion that Johan Santana will remain on the Twins in 2008). The recipient of the meme must fulfill their requirement, and forward the meme on to others.

Indeed, it's essentially a reimagining of the chain letter fad. And Rickey has it on good authority that if you don’t forward this, the Illuminati will come into your house and sodomize you repeatedly in your sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD. And so, much to our delight, the torch has been passed on to Rickey. In this meme, Rickey has been asked to "list 8 random (but true) things" about him. You want random? Okey dokey then, we’ll give you random. Here we go:

1) Rickey possesses a baseball glove autographed by George Pataki.

2) Rickey flat out refuses to eat pancakes if no milk is available to eat them with. Similarly, Rickey will not eat eggs if orange juice is unavailable.

3) Growing up, Rickey’s cat was named “Busbequis,” after an obscure Polish poet. This was not Rickey’s doing—“Tisbury” was Rickey’s pick.

4) Rickey has never broken a bone in his body. But Rickey has been either present or to blame every time his sibling has.

5) Rickey once ate a piece of wasabi the size of a golf ball.

6) While at a bar, Rickey was personally advised by Andy Rooney to quit smoking.

7) When playing a video game in which the character has an inventory and money is collected & spent, Rickey is notoriously stingy.

8) Rickey’s favorite sandwich is the tongue sandwich.

9) Rickey is a Freemason.

10) In high school, Rickey was the subject of a prank orchestrated by Richard Nixon’s godson tricking Rickey into thinking that he had been accepted by Columbia University. This is why Rickey is a registered Democrat.

11) Rickey was pulled out by his ears.

12) When he burns CDs to play in his car, Rickey writes generic labels on the discs such as “Random Mix #7” with the assumption that 4 months from now, Rickey will remember what the hell is recorded on “Random Mix #7.” This is rarely the case.

Alright, so we got carried away and went over the limit of 8. But we feel like these are the sort of things you need to know about Rickey. Rickey apologizes for nothing. And now to target some other unsuspecting fools as the vectors for this meme. Let’s see here…

Smitty
Toasty Joe
Mr. Met
Mike
Lord Likely
Mr. Furious
Egan Foote
George
Ed The Gent
Chris

Tag, shmohawks, you’re it. We’ve selected more than 8 because there’s a good chance this is old news to some of you folks by now, and damned if Rickey is going to risk 30 years of bad luck or whatever it is that happens to people who don’t pass on memes. So arise, internet minions, and act accordingly. And while you’re at it, give the folks at Humor-Blogs a visit. They’re balls deep in memes over there.

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Rickey's Wednesday Wallop

In the off chance that you hadn’t already noticed, Rickey likes alliteration (particularly that of the consonance variety) just a little too much. Look for Rickey to further alienate and bewilder his readers by employing kennings and referring to the sea as “the whale path” sometime in the not too distant future. Anyhow, here are a few midweek housekeeping items Rickey’s been meaning to bring to the forefront ’round here.

Rickey hadn’t gotten a chance to mention it earlier, but belated kudos to the New York Giants for overcoming the Packers to earn themselves a Superbowl berth. It’s a crowning achievement. If you actually proceed here, and scroll down to the bottom, you can read the following brilliant forecast from Rickey made in August of this past year:

“No way in hell will the Giants be playing in Winter, '08”

So, yeah, about that... But in all fairness, unlike all the other sports bobble heads, at least we’re owning up to being completely mistaken in our prediction. This was well before anyone knew who Sam Madison was or suspected that Jarrod Lorenzen’s efforts wouldn’t be required before season’s end. And we look forward to watching a humiliated Bret Favre return next season to firmly cement his legacy of greatness by throwing into triple coverage all year long. Rickey’s not entirely sure how the Giants made it this far, but we get the feeling that no matter what, they’re just happy to be where they are right now. And so are we all. Rickey is pretty damned excited to see what Big Blue is capable of doing against a ridiculously overrated Patriots defense and an allegedly injured Tom Brady. And Rickey takes back what he previously said about a New York/New England Superbowl matchup alienating football fans. After pondering on it, Rickey doesn’t really care what fat cheese munching fucks from the Midwest landlocked red state residents think about an all-northeast Superbowl—it’s a welcome reminder of precisely where the corridors of power reside in this great country of ours.

What, too bitter? Ok, we’ll dial it down a bit with something more universal: movies! Recently, Rickey spent some time living the sedentary life and catching up on some lesser known films that he (and possibly you) have missed in 2007.

First up was “Waitress,” which has earned Rickey’s highly distinguished pick of “least annoying chick flick of 2007.” That’s right guys, if you need a decent date movie, try this one on for size—it’s shockingly bearable and viewing it will leave one's testicles remarkably intact. In fact, we’ll go a step further and tell you that it’s sweet, simple, and downright charming and funny. Rickey and Ms. Henderson both dug it and given the opportunity, we feel confident that you will too. For the ladies, it starts the dreamy Nathan Fillon. And for the gents, the always fetching Cheryl Hines (the hell with Keri Russel).


Next up is “3:10 to Yuma.” Why don’t movie studios make Westerns anymore? Has there been a cinematic genre as completely ignored as the Western in the past ten years? But producers have no problems flooding the market with Keira Knightley’s latest bland period piece? (Rickey swears, she made that “Bend it Like Beckham movie, then donned a wig and corset and never looked back). Argh, things like this frustrate Rickey to no end. Anyway check this Yuma film out: it stars Russell Crowe and Christian Bale jawing and shooting at each other over notions of family, duty and honor in the Wild West. Granted, it’s certainly not on the same level as “Rio Bravo” or “Unforgiven,” but this is a solid addition to the genre nonetheless. Check it out.

Rickey also got a chance to look at David Cronenberg’s latest offering, "Eastern Promises." Alright, look, this is a terrific little flick about the Russian mafia operating in London starring Vigo Mortensen. But we feel obligated to warm you: right smack in the middle of the film is the most horrific display of male nudity you will ever witness in a movie. Here’s the scenario: two goons ambush Viggo in a bathhouse with knives. Viggo is cut and wounded badly but counters by wresting his attackers. Viggo’s towel falls off in the scuffle. The towel stays off for a good 4 minutes of film while brutal and bloody naked man-wrestling continues. Total calamity ensues in the Henderson household:

Rickey: Oh no, oh please no no no no no… I do not like where this is headed…

Rickey: Yep, shit, there it is: it’s out and flopping about. Man-cock on my freaking HD television, lovely. Why in fuck would an actor agree to something like this? Why couldn’t the movie just give me a normal fight scene?

Rickey: What in the name of sweet Christ is that anyway? It looks like a falcon’s nest with a salt shaker in the middle. Where’s wardrobe in all this?

Rickey: Shit, why can’t he just turn his back to the camera?! Argh, no, even when he does it’s still hiding nothing. Jesus, there’s blood everywhere, how is he still fighting?

Rickey: Fuck you David Cronenberg, fuck you for making me sit through this, you sick sadistic prick.

Rickey: The horror, the horror…

Ms. Henderson: Ok, I think it’s over now.

Rickey: Really, it’s safe? Are you sure? I can come out now? Oh fuck no, that one’s still alive! Now Viggo’s on top of him! Why is he on top of him? Why god, why?!

Rickey’s recommendation: if you do see this movie (which you should because it’s otherwise a terrific film) fast forward through the aforementioned terror. It’s pure nightmare fuel. Meanwhile, Ms. Henderson was cackling the whole damned time.

And while we’re on the subject of monstrous horror, Rickey wrapped up the weekend with a viewing of Cloverfield.” You know the premise already: a mammoth beastie shows up in NYC and the whole thing is filmed in hand-held camera style. The film is scary, loud, and intense as all hell—pretty much what that U.S. version of Godzilla should have been—and it effectively captures the ground level feeling of “what the hell is that?” that’s missing from so many monster movies. Furthermore, this is one pissed off 40 story tall whale/crab/bat/lizard thing. We’re talking some serious “I’m mad at my hideous sea monster mother and am taking it out by going apeshit on New Yorkers” kind of stuff. You really haven’t seen havoc of this manner in a movie, not like this.

But here’s where it gets a little messy: like the 1950’s Godzilla, this movie is very much the product of an era of deep rooted social anxieties. And if all the explosions and dust clouds weren’t enough, there’s a chilling 9-11 visual cue towards the end of the flick in the form of two destroyed Columbus Circle towers. Just once, we’d love to a monster stomping through the Midwest, War of the Worlds style, rather than NYC. But you know what? It is pretty darned nifty to see an M1 Abrams rolling down a midtown street, unleashing hellfire missiles at a marauding monster. So what the hell, turn off your brain and pony up the $20—"Cloverfield" makes for an entertaining night out at the movies.

We'll admit it, Rickey feels a little dirty now having recommended that. So let’s transition from low art to high culture to wrap things up and hopefully redeem ourselves just a bit. Rickey knows that your Wednesdays are tough. It’s hump day: Friday is so near and yet so far at the same time. Therefore, we like to post a little hand picked YouTubery from time to time to brighten up your day. Today, we’re veering toward the highly motivational with the following clip below--so shut up, click play, and take your culture like a man goddammit.



We don’t care who you are or what kind of music you’re into, Leonard Bernstein conducting Brahms’ “Violin Concerto in D” with Gidon Kremert flailing a violin about will pump you up (especially all you aspiring serial killers out there). Call us nuts, but we kind of dig the passion and intensity on display here. Happy Wednesday, you inglorious bastards. And remember, a click on Humor-Blogs is a click for victory.

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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Ladies & Gentlemen, Your Banner Contest Winners

In case you missed it, the Riding with Rickey banner contest has come to a close. Initially, we had elaborate ideas for a banner consisting of Rickey Henderson driving an old timey pickup truck with all sorts of topical objects/knickknacks discussed here at RwR spilling out the back of the truck. But here’s the rub: have you seen how much Photoshop Suite costs? Much to Rickey’s chagrin, nefarious publishers like to charge a whole helluva lot for legitimate, non-pirated software. And we’ll be damned if Rickey is shelling out that kind of money. One year into this blog and we’re supposed to be generating revenue, not losing it. Anyhow, we farmed out the work to you good folks and were pleased to receive a whopping two submissions (just enough to make this an actual contest!) and now the time has come to reveal our fabulous finalists.

First up is Joel from Crummy Church Signs. Being a purveyor of some of the most fantastically poorly written congregational signs across this great nation of ours, Joel knows exactly what it takes in a banner to attract an audience’s ridicule and scorn. This is a trait we’re relieved to say Joel left at home when he submitted this nifty banner:

We like it—it’s simultaneously dynamic and goofy. Now if only Rickey knew how to resize it so that it actually fits on the blogger banner, we’d be totally set…

Next (and, uh, last) is the work of a person named Adrian. He/she doesn’t have a blog to pimp (which is actually breath of fresh air) but what he/she does bring with them is a brilliant sense of juxtaposition. Take a peek, Adrian has edited together photos from Rickey’s “Beard Watch” updates and added them to the real life Rickey Henderson. And even better, we’ve got three different schemes to pick from:



There’s “Basic”


“Abstract”



And “Team Colors”


And each one is a winner in their own way. Is the implication that by growing a beard, one can turn into Rickey Henderson? Is it an homage to an Andy Warhol panel? Who cares! It’s totally surreal and Rickey digs it big time. This is possibly because Rickey, being totally enamored with Rickey, likes seeing pictures of himself and his wondrous man-beard. Strong work indeed Adrian.

As far as crowning a victor goes, let’s just call it a tie and say that everyone’s a winner, mmmkay? Rickey's riding high after a three day weekend and doesn't feel like sullying the mood by making any decisions of great consequence today. So once Rickey musters the technological gumption to incorporate these into the blog, look for these banners to appear here and at Humor-Blogs. Great job all around folks.

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Friday, January 18, 2008

Rickey's Friday Roundup

It’s the terminal day of the week and Rickey feels like posting some links for your his own damn personal amusement (and, possibly, yours). This is part of a twofold strategy consisting of educating you, the reader, as much as possible, but doing so in the least intellectually taxing manner in the process. So here are a few items of interest that you may have missed while attempting to drive your way home through a snowstorm while sporting a tuxedo and a grim smile:

A good buddy tipped Rickey off to this completely bizarre WFAN Steve Sommers/Tom Coughlin interview that took place last night. You need to listen to this pronto—Sommers apparently took the highly unorthodox method of cold calling the Giants’ head coach and Coughlin quickly upped the ante by going batshit insane. As a rule, we like listening to disastrously awkward interviews that end with the phrase “screw you.” Listen to this now.

And speaking of football, certain folks have been wheedling Rickey for his predictions for Sunday’s NFL Championship games. So here you go: Rickey is forecasting a New York/New England Superbowl this year, thereby alienating and aggravating the entire Midwest football fan demographic. It’s kind of like the “and I fucking care about this why?” sentiment voiced by the average baseball fan in heartland America whenever the Yanks play the BoSox and ESPN covers the event like it’s an Ali/Frazier match. Indeed, against our better wisdom, Rickey’s going with team loyalty over any iota of sports knowledge and is picking the Giants over the Packers, 21 to 10. We’ve got a hunch Big Blue is going to win people a whole lotta money this weekend… And as far as the Chargers go, as much as we’re tantalized by the prospect of a Giants/Chargers Superbowl, San Diego is not making it out of Foxboro alive and intact. Incidentally, how awesome would a San Diego/New York matchup be? Imagine a Superbowl starring the very best quarterback talent in the league. You know, the absolute cream of the crop:

It’s kind of like that Predator vs Aliens movie: whoever wins, we all lose. Ahhh--we kid poor Eli, he does finally seem to be blossoming into a promising young quarterback. But as far as the Chargers go, realistically, there’s no way that jackass Philip Rivers is capable of mounting a meaningful offensive against the Pats in Gillette Stadium in front of thousands of Massholes. So Rickey's phoning in his pick of Patriots 31, Chargers 14. And those are Rickey’s pics. For fear of further alienating our non-football enthusiast readers, we'll stop with the NFL talk for now. However, Rickey will elaborate upon his predictions if prodded appropriately in the comments section.

Meanwhile in the realm of cinematic endeavors, Rickey, in a last ditch effort to be hip, is giving serious consideration to seeing this “Cloverfield” movie that all the kids are buzzing about. If only to yell “too soon!” when the giant monster shows up and buildings start collapsing in NYC, thereby preying on post 9-11 anxieties. Indeed, look for Rickey and Ms. Henderson to pop a few motion sickness pills (the whole film is shot in that shakey-cam “Blair Witch” style) and head out to the multiplex to see if this newfangled monster movie is any good. We’ll report back next week.

For those looking to maintain their economic astuteness, Paul Krugman has a great op-ed piece on the nation’s current financial woes. Call Rickey nuts, but somehow, the Bush Administration’s plan to fend off a full blown recession with yet another round of tax cuts just seems a tad ill conceived. Either you’re from the school of thought that states that government has no place meddling in economics, or you believe that much more expansive corrective action is needed. Sorry, but there’s no middle ground on this issue. And yet the Bush Administration tries to find it nonetheless. But hey, if the U.S. Government wants to roll out a half baked political gesture in the form of minor tax breaks and give Rickey a few extra bucks in his pocket to spend on the alcohol and videogame industries, then who are we to argue?

And in the wondrous world of celebrity gossip (no worries, we’re not turning into E! just yet) here’s a link to that Tom Cruise Scientology video that was yanked from YouTube earlier this week. Rickey knew that Tom Cruise was insane, but this goes far beyond everything we’d come to expect from him. Seriously, this guy is off the freaking chain. Can someone explain to Rickey how anyone can be so zealous about a far flung belief system that was created thanks to a wager in a bar? Do yourself a favor and watch the whole thing. It slowly builds up in intensity and insanity and finally culminates with the cringe inducing “crazy Tom Cruise laugh” we all know and love.

And on that note, Rickey’s out. Enjoy the weekend folks. And go visit Humor-Blogs if you feel like giving Rickey’s (and theoretically your) internet social standing a boost.

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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Cooking With Rickey: Rickey's Unabashedly Irish Stew

*Note, you can find this recipe posted at the RwR sister site, that wondrous platform for those looking to sound off on all things culinary, Adam’s Rib.

Being a northeasterner by trade, Rickey rather enjoys the wintery months and has come to expect a seasonal chill in the air from November through March. Therefore, when the jet stream goes all wonky and it’s suddenly 60 degrees in January, Rickey gets very confused and angry and decides that corrective action must be taken. And what is that corrective action, you might ask? Why cooking a hearty winter stew of course (what? You thought Rickey would try to reduce his carbon footprint? Nah, that shtick is for suckers). Housewives and hobbits everywhere agree—a flavorful stew is an essential part of winter cuisine. Who cares if you were wearing shorts yesterday? It’s 32 freaking degrees again and you, friend, are going to cook appropriately goddammit.

We like cooking up this dish for several reasons. First, due to the inclusion of Guinness, it earns the appellation of "Irish" and is therefore preferred by alcoholics and leprechauns alike (or even better, alcoholic leprechauns). Secondly, it requires slow simmering on low heat for several hours—thereby filling one’s abode with earthy aromas. Most importantly, we love this stew because Rickey enjoys preparing food that requires very little attention beyond some initial chopping and pan frying. Think of a good stew as sort of a “fire and forget” weapon in your arsenal of cooking abilities. (In other words, they’re pretty hard to fuck up).

So give Rickey’s Irish Stew recipe a shot, it’s got everything you need: protein, carbohydrates, vegetables, a plethora of seasonings, and most importantly, two different varieties of booze. It’s perfect for a frostbitten Sunday afternoon. We dunno…. when the Giants are playing the Packers on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field perhaps? Once you’re done with the stew, don’t forget a loaf of crusty bread to sop up the stew. Forget utensils: you owe it to yourself to savor this dish like an indentured peasant from days of yore. Alright, we know, enough foreplay Rickey, here’s the recipe:

1/4 cup olive oil (not Bertolini’s, the good stuff)
2 pounds stew beef, cut into 1-inch pieces (or lamb, if you’re feeling gamey)
6 large garlic cloves, minced (good for the heart and guaranteed to keep loved ones and vampires away)
6 cups beef stock or canned beef broth
1 cup of Guinness Draught (or more)
1 cup of decent red wine such as pinot noir (again, or more)
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoon dried thyme
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
2 bay leaves
1/4 stick butter
3 pounds russet potatoes, peeled, cut into 1/2-inch pieces (about 7 cups)
1 large onion, chopped up
2 cups cut peeled carrots
Salt and Pepper
Chopped fresh parsley

Heat the olive oil in a heavy large pot over medium-high heat. Coat the beef in flour and sauté it until it’s brown on all sides. Add the garlic and sauté it for another minute or so. Add the beef stock, Guinness, red wine, tomato paste, sugar, thyme, Worcestershire sauce and bay leaves. Stir it all together then bring the mixture to boil. Reduce the heat to medium-low, then cover the pot and simmer for 1 hour, stirring occasionally.

Meanwhile in another part of the kitchen, melt the butter in another large pot over medium heat. Add the potatoes, onion and carrots. Sauté the vegetables until they’re golden brown, (about 20 minutes). Set ‘em aside until the beef stew mixture has simmered for one hour.

Once it has, add the vegetables to the beef stew. Put the lid back on and simmer until the vegetables and beef are very tender. This could take anywhere from an hour to two hours--just test the meat every now and then for optimal tenderness. When it melts in your mouth, it's done. Add some salt and pepper to your liking, remove the bay leaves, and serve the stew sprinkled with chopped parsley on top. Behold, a stew worthy of mention.

[The good folks at Humor-Blogs are now cooking with gas. Click bastards, click!]

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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Your Almighty Update

You know what we really like? We like dwelling in an area of NY in which, at any moment, minor celebrity Stephen Baldwin could dart out of the bushes and take pictures of our license plates. And then identify us in the local newspapers. Indeed, according to this article, the born again and supporting actor in "The Usual Suspects" is on some kind of crusade. And like any decent crusade worth it's salt, this one is based on woefully unsound doctrine and general theological quackery. Read onwards:

Actor Stephen Baldwin might be more at home on a movie set, but these days – and nights – the veteran of more than 60 films can be found on Route 59 in Nyack, New York, trying to shut down a business that shows movies – pornographic movies.

Baldwin, the youngest of the acting clan that includes older brothers Alec, Billy and Daniel, has planted himself on the sidewalk outside a new adult entertainment business located about one mile from his home and is photographing workers and their vehicles as they prepare the store for opening.


The actor says he plans to stand outside the store every day and photograph license plates of its patrons until the business closes. He will, he threatens, identify the store's customers and pay for a one-page newspaper ad each month to publish their names.


"I won't stop until it shuts down," Baldwin told the Westchester Journal News. "I don't want it this close to my house. I'm personally not OK with pornography. I definitely think that it adds to the moral decay or our culture."


Baldwin and several of his Nyack neighbors unsuccessfully protested the business's application to open last summer before the city planning board, but were told by officials their only legal authority was regulation, not prohibition.


The store, owned by the Queens-based company, Algama, will feature movies, books, magazines and video booths – and, says Baldwin, attract crime, lower property values and reduce the quality of life of the community where he's lived for 10 years.


Baldwin, who became a Christian in the wake of 9-11 and through the witness of his wife, Kennya, has become outspoken about his new faith, co-producing a Christian DVD called, "Livin' It," aimed at the extreme-sports culture of skateboarding and BMX stunt biking.


"In my position, I just don't think I'm supposed to keep my faith to myself," Baldwin told a group of Texas Southern Baptists in 2004. "I'm just doing what the Lord's telling me to do. You know, if the Lord's not telling anybody else [in Hollywood] to [talk publicly about their faith], well, then God bless 'em. But I don't think that's the case. I think there are a lot of people who don't put their faith before everything else, you know. And that's a big problem. I'm just doing what the Lord's calling me to do. Period."


For the present, it appears, the Lord is calling Baldwin to trade in his skateboard for a camera and keep vigil at the new pornography outlet in his neighborhood.


Police report Baldwin called them Friday night at 9:30 p.m., saying the shop's employees were harassing him for taking photographs. They advised everyone the actor was free to protest as long as he stayed off private property.


"He's just out there expressing his opinion," Sgt. Gerard O'Connor said. "He's more than free to do that."
Rickey learned two things from reading this article. First, the law of diminishing returns applies directly to the Baldwin family. And secondly, if that last quote from the illustrious local law enforcement is believed, it is not considered harassment to take photographs of strangers' license plates and then post then in the local newspapers. Hm, okey dokey then, in that case, at least Rickey knows he's exonerated for doing this a little while back...

The article was written back in 2006, so who knows if Baldwin is still running around doing this. We'd like to think that he' still out there though--doing his thing for the rest of us sinners.

It smells like guilt and shame over at Humor-Blogs.com.

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Monday, January 14, 2008

Well, Folks, When You're Right 52% of the Time, You're Also Wrong 48% of the Time

Yeah we know, why didn't Rickey say that before? No reason in particular. But bear in mind that even the most wizened sports commentators are rarely more than a few games over .500 in their NFL picks. So all things considered, Rickey is fairly content with his 2-2 prediction record from this past weekend. Hey, let’s see you try making football predictions in a season in which Eli, not Peyton, is the Manning son to advance to the Championship round. We’re just happy to live in a world in which Jerry Jones is pissed off and Nick Lachey is gloating. In short, life is good for an on again, off again Giants fan with a severe loathing of the Dallas Cowboys and anyone or anything else originating from the state of Texas.

We sincerely hope you didn’t wager anything more meaningful than pocket lint on any of Rickey’s picks and we’ll be back at the end of the week with Rickey’s picks for the NFC and AFC championship games. While we’re rather tight lipped about our forecasts, without giving anything away, we can tell you that the results of those games will lead to the Superbowl being played in Arizona this year. Oh yeah, and the Tom Petty Superbowl Halftime Show will rock you silly (ya think he’ll play “American Girl”? He’s just got to, right?)

You music aficionados out there will be pleased to know that over the weekend Rickey updated “Rickey’s Rhythms,” the musical playlist embedded here in this site. Frankly, other than occasionally showering and doing the dishes, it was the most productive thing Rickey did all weekend, so consider yourselves fortunate to be the recipients of the fruits of our considerable labor. Apparently there was much grumbling about a preponderance of Deathcab for Cutie & Eels songs in the playlist. So we went ahead and tried to balance it out by adding a few hundred more songs: a little bit more classic rock, some gold old timey 1990’s alt-rock, and a dash of indie songs.

Of all the additions, Rickey’s personal favorite would have to be “Knights of Cydonia” by Muse. It’s a weird song, but strangely motivational and epic at the same time. The kind of song that makes Rickey want to charge headfirst through a goddamned brick wall. The kind of song that Teddy Roosevelt would put on his ipod playlist and charge off into the sunset to (assuming that Teddy wouldn’t be confused and enraged by 21st Century technological capabilities).

Finally, in Rickey's obligatory Monday morning "The Wire" wrap up, we felt that last night's episode was way the hell too contrived. Jimmy McNulty rearranging a crime scene to make it look like the work of a serial killer? A Jason Blaire inspired storyline about a reporter fudging a story? Avon Barksdale suddenly showing up out of nowhere? Reporters sitting around having a very meta conversation about how “Dickensian” the Baltimore education system is? Yeah, the writers have gotten a little full of themselves all of a sudden... The writers need to dial down the didacticism and get back to that brooding urban environment that made the show so great in the first place. Just our two cents.

Enjoy your Monday folks. And remember to click hither. Rickey’s not nearly as loved by anonymous internet strangers as he feels he should be.

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Riding With Rickey Banner Competition Update



As a brief reminder, Rickey is still soliciting entries for the RwR banner creation contest. The deadline is 1/18/08 (next Friday). We mention this because, to date, we’ve received exactly one submission. We're happy to say that it’s a pretty solid one, but, as in all aspects of life, Rickey believes that competition breeds innovation. So really, if we could get a minimum of two entries, thereby making this an actual competition, that would be all sorts of awesome.


Yeah, we know, no funny stuff today. Sorry, come back tomorrow. Or go to Humor-Blogs. We're told that funny stuff abounds over there. In the meantime, here's a fun little video depicting the versatile acting abilities of Shia LaBeouf:

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Your Weekly NFL Update: Rickey's Playoff Predictions

*A disclaimer: Rickey's record during the 2007 season was a stalwart 1-1, so for the love of God, please interpret these picks accordingly.

We’re sure that as far as NFL predictions go, seasoned professionals such as Bob Costas most likely possess more reliable records than Rickey. But then again, that Napoleonic prick Costas also enjoys pontificating smarmily on how Chad Johnson’s latest endzone celebration reminds him of a Busby Berkley production. So give Rickey’s picks a shot instead, will ya? Sure they rely more on “gut feelings” than “proven statistical evidence” but nonetheless, it’s better than listening to any of the 5 alarm jackasses at Fox Sports or HBO. All set? Ok, degenerate gamblers, here we go!

Giants 38
Cowboys 28

With Fredo Manning inexplicably playing at the highest level Rickey has ever seen, we’re suddenly confident that the Giants are capable of running train on Jessica Simpson and the entire population of Dallas. Meanwhile, in another part of town, Eagles fans are quietly rooting for a meteor to strike Cowboy Stadium on Sunday afternoon. Indeed, it should be a good game. The G-Men have gotten hot at just the right point and meanwhile, the whole “cowboy up” Texas shtick is running on fumes. Also, Rickey recommends a moratorium on the rampant speculation over whether or not Jessica Simpson will show up to support her boyfriend Tony Romo at the game. We could give a flying fuck about all that. We feel that the real story is whether or not Eli Manning’s mommy shows up to support her son.

Seahawks 27
Packers 10

All season, Rickey has wondered if Old Balls Farve’s star would ever stop rising. It pains us to say it, but this weekend, the end is nigh. Look for the Hawks defense to put the heat on him, causing turnovers galore. Sure, the Packers have been Jesus of Nazareth’s team during the 2007 season, but Rickey’s predicting a return to form as QB Lazarus on more than one occasion says to himself, “fuck it, I’m Brett Farve, I’m a gunslinger: let’s try lobbing another long bomb into triple coverage.” Also, for those looking to place a side bet, Rickey also puts the odds of Mike Francessa mispronouncing Mike Holmgren’s name multiple times this week on his Sunday WFAN broadcast at 10 to 1. Can’t do that Mikey, ya just can’t do that...

Patriots 27
Jacksonville 24

(In overtime). Look, Rickey figured he needed a wacky pick, so here you go—this is going to be a much closer game than you suspect. When all the other sportscasters zig, Rickey likes to zag. And while we’re talking about the Pats, Rickey would like to call to your attention the eerie similarity between the old school Patriots logo and Willem Defoe.

Even odder is the fact that the Pat Patriot mascot is in the same exact pose as Defoe’s Green Goblin character in Spiderman.” Coincidence? Rickey thinks not. Now if only Tom Brady would start lobbing exploding pumpkin bombs to Randy Moss…

Colts 34

Chargers 9

Is it just Rickey or are the Colts the least talked about Super Bowl champions in NFL history? As far as we can tell, they’re at least as good as last season, yet virtually no one talks about them. If Rickey was Peyton Manning, this would make him mad. Mad enough to completely trounce the Chargers this weekend. And those Chargers? LT aside, they’re aaaaaaa… they’re not good.

And there you have it. Please note that Rickey operates primarily on hunches and guesswork, which is a big reason why he’s only wagered on the NFL once in his life (while in Vegas, on the Patriots/Cowboys game). For those is search of further merriment, we’re told that Cletus, the dancing FOX NFL robot, dwells at Humor-Blogs.com.

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Wednesday, January 9, 2008

H-7! McCain Sinks Romney’s Battleship!

The following conversation was overheard last night in the Henderson household:

Ms. Henderson: You’re taking pictures of the television. Explain.

Rickey: Look at the nifty information on the sides of the CNN HD broadcast! It’s like Battleship! This seems like the kind of thing I could blog about!

Ms. Henderson: I’m going to go read a book.

Indeed, when Rickey purchased a flat screen television a while back, it was this very moment he had been eagerly anticipating. The moment when his glorious high definition picture would provide him with information otherwise unavailable to those mere mortals watching on a regular, non-HD set. And there you have it: live updating pie charts! A torrent of raw streaming data! Try getting information like that on a plane jane 4:3 broadcast. No sir, only glorious 16:9 broadcasts show that sort of thing.

All geekyness aside, what did Rickey take away from last night’s New Hampshire Primary? Well, first off, the road to the White House apparently goes through the set of "24." Also, Rickey learned that getting weepy wins votes. It took the “misty eyes” look to convince the NH electorate that Hillary Clinton was an actual human being (apparently they had previously assumed she was some kind of reptile).

And now, as most political pundits would say, with Clinton snagging NH, shit just got real. So look for Obama to counter Hillary’s deft political maneuver with a prolonged bout of open bawling & weeping right before the Michigan Primary on January 15th. Indeed, the gloves are off, baby.

Also, Rickey learned that Mike Huckabee’s wife closely resembles Phyllis from “The Office.” Judge for yourself:



Finally, Rickey learned that all the technology in the world cannot do anything to mitigate the awfulness that is Anderson Cooper. Rickey knows Wolf Blizter. Rickey digs Wolf Blitzer. And you sir, are no Wolf Blitzer.

Further merriment and musings on the madness that is the 2008 Election Season can be found at Humor-Blogs.

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Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Rickey Explains New Hampshire to His Readership

Today being Primary Day in New Hampshire, Rickey figured he’d devote a column to explaining the ins and outs of the Granite State for your enlightenment. You see, Rickey was born in New Hampshire (and occasionally enjoys vacationing there), and while he only spent the first few months of his life living there, he nonetheless feels a powerful bond with that state and its denizens. And since the New Hampshire Primary marks the first meaningful political contest of 2008 (suck it you corn crazy Iowans), we figure that now is the time for a brief summation of how things work up there in God’s own backyard. So let’s cast some light on some of this curious state’s more noteworthy aspects:

STATE MOTTO: “Live Free or Die.” Bar none, the best governmental slogan in the world.

STATE BIRD: The Purple Finch. Not the most fearsome of birds, (Rickey would’ve preferred some kind of raptor) but still, bonus points for being in the same genus as the Tufted Titmouse.

POLITICS: As far as the political makeup goes, New Hampshire consists of members of either the extreme left or the extreme right. And there’s absolutely no in between. How a protracted civil war hasn’t broken out up there is a goddamned mystery to us. But then again, Rickey finds that people dwelling in regions outside the Tri-State Area are generally nicer, as a rule.

ECONOMY: New Hampshire boasts a sleek, modern, and highly competitive economy consisting of maple syrup and cheese exports, wool sales, and the ski industry. Also, we’re pretty sure their automobiles are coal powered.

NOTABLE FEATURES: The Old Man In the Mountain (pictured below). Sadly, this natural rock formation collapsed several years ago. Rickey suspects that marauding Vermonters were somehow behind this. Seriously though, we wouldn't be surprised if the collapse of the Old Man In The Mountain was successfully used as a justification to boost New Hampshire's anti-terrorism funding.

CULTURE: Are you into the hiking/camping scene? Do you consider vast & untamed expanses of nature to be cathedrals to man? If so, then you’ll love it up there (behind Maine, New Hampshire is America’s second most forested state). If not, well then, you’re pretty much looking at a Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” scenario after day 3 of your stay in the Granite State. Have fun with that.

DRESS: Think casual. And by “casual” we mean sporting camouflage, multiple layers of flannel, and a Boston Red Sox cap. And that’s considered job interview attire up there.

WEATHER: Balls cold in the winter and snowy as all hell. Rather than the commonplace foot, snowfall in New Hampshire is measured by the occurrence of Highway Department member suicides and institutionalizations. Summer, however, is rather pleasant!

FOOD: It’s your typical lumberjack fare consisting of flapjack houses and greasy spoons. In other words, great cuisine to help rebound from a hangover. Rather handy if you don’t plan on being sober much during your stay in NH (which you won’t).

WILDLIFE: Ever see a moose before? Well you will once one lumbers in front of your vehicle and proceeds to totally stare you down. They’re pretty much the result of a deer mating with a rhinoceros, and every bit as slow and dumb as you’d expect. Also, there’s bears up there too. Angry bears. And whatever you do, don't go anywhere near NH during the black fly season. Think mosquitos but a bajillion times worse on the itchyness scale. And then of course, there's always the timber rattlers to worry about... Indeed, New Hampshire's diverse wildlife warmly welcomes you!

EDUCATION SYSTEM: Er, piss fucking poor. We’re told that handbooks on gun cleaning are part of the 4th grade curriculum. There’s a reason Rickey only stayed there for the first few months of his life…

FAMOUS RESIDENTS: Famed recluse writer J.D. Salinger allegedly lives somewhere in New Hampshire. But then again, so do Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter and pop writer Dan Brown. So as far as famous residents go, it’s pretty much a wash.

You know who enjoys swigging pure New Hampshire maple syrup? The good folks over at Humor-Blogs, that’s who. Click, monkeys, click!

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Monday, January 7, 2008

Rickey's Monday Musings

It’s Monday, a day on which by definition, Rickey does not have his shit together. So rather than breaking his brain trying to write a cohesive narrative, Rickey has decided to make a list of things that have been kicking around his head. Below is a compilation of thoughts and ponderings rattling around inside Rickey’s caffeine addled mind.

Audio controls on a car’s steering wheel is the greatest technological innovation since man landed on the moon. There, Rickey said it. Now if only there was a button on Rickey’s steering wheel capable of calling in Swedish fighter jets to bombard that crossing guard that looks at him funny every morning…

“There Will Be Blood” is the best movie you will see in 2008. It’s extraordinarily well made and well acted. For those of you who haven’t heard of it, it’s about a ruthless, misanthropic oil man circa 1911 making his way in the world by doing whatever it takes to suck black gold from the soil. You know how you wished that Daniel Day Lewis’ character from “Gangs of New York” had been granted his own movie to run around in? Well this is essentially that movie, but better. Daniel Day Lewis’ character, Daniel Plainview is a revelation. He’s a brutal force of nature—the stuff of myth. Overall, the film movie feels very archetypal: very primeval & prototypical, if any of that makes sense. Day Lewis plays the role of one of the first oil barons to emerge from the black primordial muck. It’s eerie, ominous, and foreshadows our current geopolitical situation. It’s also nice to see an adult flick these days in which the director actually manages to hold the goddamned camera still. The movie opens with a wonderful homage to “2001” and doesn’t stop until, well… …we won’t spoil it for you, but it’s a riveting finale. A Really. Terrific. Finale. You owe it to yourself to go see this pronto.

And while seeing the movie, Rickey completely missed the Giants game yesterday (he thought it was a 4pm game). Um, oops? Indeed, Rickey’s kind of a fair weather football fan. Rickey will most likely hop on the bandwagon next Sunday, watch Big Blue get trounced by Dallas, and then curse football for trying to pass itself off as a viable substitute for baseball (it fucking isn’t). And that’s just how Rickey rolls: by bitterly flip flopping.

Speaking of flip flopping (worst phrase ever by the way) the New Hampshire primaries are tomorrow. Rickey recommends actually paying attention to this one because it’s most likely going to determine the outcome of the Democratic race for the White House. If Rickey knows anything about the denizens of his state of origin, it is that they can be trusted to do the right thing. We hope. Will ‘Bama slay the frigid ice dragon? Tune in Tuesday to find out! OBAMA! CLINTON! EDWARDS! IT’S THE 2008 NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY ON FOX! As much as we loathe the current level of discourse created by the talking heads, a little political drama and hype every now and then is admittedly kind of fun…

New shoes that haven’t been broken in yet are a real pain in the ass to wear around the office. They seem to clomp around a great deal, thereby making it woefully difficult to sneak up on unsuspecting coworkers all ninja like and whatnot. But hey, at least Rickey didn’t wear corduroys to work today. Then he’d be totally screwed.

Monday morning emails from friends vacationing in the Galapgos that state "My dad got bitten by a sea lion yesterday morning... I haven't stopped laughing since" are always a great way of kicking off the week.

Oolong tea that is hand picked by monkeys should probably not be given the highest rating available to tea. Sure, Rickey appreciates the fact that Buddhist monks trained simians to harvest this tea, but seriously, couldn’t the monks have done a better job of it themselves? And more importantly, are the monkeys unionized? Questions like these keep Rickey awake into the wee hours of the morning. All that having been said, this is indeed some seriously good & soothing tea. (For reasons that we can’t entirely explain, Rickey and Ms. Henderson have been big into tea drinking lately).

Rickey is overjoyed that The Wire has returned to television. We know, we know you’ve heard all the critical fawning and acclaim that this show gets, so Rickey won’t bore you with the details of precisely what makes the show so good. Instead, Rickey will simply ask you whether or not you watch the show and adjust his friendship with you accordingly. Judging people based on their television viewing choices is a healthy way of socially interacting, right?

To wrap things up, Rickey would like to alert you to the following link which warrants both your attention and mouse click abilities:

Humor-Blogs.com

Click on it. Why? Well because doing so will help boost Rickey’s ranking over at that blog ring and earn him the critical acclaim that he so clearly deserves. And have no fear, once Rickey does finally achieve his hard earned fame and notoriety, this is always plenty of room on his coattails for you inglorious bastards. Now mobilize, fuckers.

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Friday, January 4, 2008

Rickey Recommends

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and pieces of advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy this week’s installment of

RICKEY RECOMMENDS

Io9. Normally, we don’t recommend other websites because honestly, we’d rather not have you stray too far from this one. But this I09 site warrants mention. Go channel your inner Ray Bradbury over at this nifty new science fiction website. And it’s from the Gawker media family! Finally, a corporately supported sci-fi web site dedicated to intelligent conversation regarding whether or not the cheerleader from "Heroes" can regrow her own hymen.

Gearing up for the NFL playoffs by watching Tecmo Bowl simulations of each game this weekend. Screw the Vegas lines, this truly is the only sports simulation that matters. Because frankly, your Friday isn’t complete without watching a Nintendo game made in 1991 eerily predicting Eli Manning overthrowing Plaxico Burress into the stands. Just shoot Rickey now.

Wasabi Peas. Is there a better snack in existence than the wasabi pea? If so, we have yet to encounter it. Rickey could eat 15,000 of these things and not even realize what happened.

The Homecoming by Harold Pinter. Rickey saw this play in the city over the holiday break and is happy to report that it’s pretty damned good (assuming dark & brooding satirical dramas are your cup of tea). Did we mention that it stars Ian McShane and Michael McKean? Go check this out while it still features its original cast.

Not using a loaded .357-caliber Magnum as a tattoo stencil. Aren’t you just overjoyed to live in one of the few countries that grants it’s citizens the freedom to bear arms and also boasts one of the worst education systems in the world? Rickey certainly knows he is!

Avoiding “I Am Legend” like the freaking plague. Can someone explain to Rickey what the hell was the point of this mean spirited movie and how it earned $200 million? In order to drive home the film’s themes of loneliness and isolation, the screenwriters decided to pull the cheap trick of killing the hero’s dog 2/3 of the way into the movie. Folks, you cannot kill off a dog in a movie—it isn’t done. Especially not a loyal and loveable German Shepherd. And Rickey has no problem spoiling this for you if it keeps you from seeing this atrocity of a movie.

Reading a reputable newspaper on a regular basis. Fed up with living in a tabloid culture with media outlets spoon feeding you bland parables with easy answers? (read: any story featuring Britney/Lindsey/Whoever’s meteoric plummet from grace). Feel like reading news stories that aren’t modern day morality plays? Well then, the established media is definitely for you. Turn off E!, put down The Daily News, and give the NYTimes a shot, will you please?

Andrew Bird’s new album, “Armchair Aprocrypha. Rickey’s a little late to the party on this one (it came out in the spring of last year) but it’s on our shortlist for best album of 2007. As a rule, we dig smart & playful indie albums with stream of consciousness lyrics. Rickey’s only complaint is that the album’s title isn’t nearly as funny as his previous one: “The Mysterious Production of Eggs.”

Familiarizing yourself with the mysterious world of the jerboa. Today, in Rickey’s latest installment of the “what in the name of fuck is that?” column, we proudly present the previously unseen and unphotographed jerboa. Apparently they dwell on the Mongolian plains and have managed to elude being seen by humans for millions of years. And look: they’ve got weird ears! Screw that meerkat manor bullshit—these cuddly little bastards are where it’s at.

You know who enjoys Rickey's recommendations? The misbegotten madmen at humor-blogs.com that's who. Huzzah for unbridled internet shilling at its best!

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