Your Begrudging Mets Update: the Obligatory Hot Stove Edition

We know, you’re thinking: “hot stove talk, really?” You care not for frivolous trade rumors. Your loins aren’t adequately girded for this sort of discussion, are they? Your fan psyche is still in pieces following yet another clusterfuck late season collapse. Well to lift your sprits, behold, a glorious aerial shot of the lush new grass turf that was recently installed in Citifield:
Most excellent—everything is proceeding according to plan. Like all good Mets fans, we are heartened by this sight and take solace in Omar Minaya’s relentless desire to populate this fabulous new stadium with a fierce gang of paper tigers. This offseason like all others, we eagerly anticipate the Mets’ time honored tradition of free agent pursuit: posturing as a competitive presence in the offseason race, screwing themselves out of signing a bona fide player, acquiring a handful of reclamation head cases for long term deals, and heading to spring training with the exact same weaknesses they had last season, plus few more for good measure. Can you not sense Rickey’s fervent excitement for the 2009 season?

This season’s hot stove story line revolves around the Mets’ hunt for a closer named Francisco Rodriquez. A man whole primary purpose would be to distract Mets fans from the fact that they’ll be paying one William Wagner $10 million next year to stay at home and watch the Jeff Foxworthy Show. And while Rickey appreciates the kind gesture on Omar Minaya’s part, it would be even nicer if there were eight versions of Francisco Rodriguez to fill the gaping spiritual void that is the Mets bullpen. Where exactly does one go shopping for an entire bullpen? The Rays? But wait, it gets better. Oh so much better. Per today’s Newsday:

“The Mets had no interest in Jeremy Affeldt, who signed yesterday with the Giants for a reported two-year, $8-million deal, and they have not yet focused much attention on upgrading the rest of the their bullpen. As for Affeldt, one team official explained that the Mets already have two lefthanders in the pen, which suggests that Pedro Feliciano and Scott Schoeneweis are still considered part of that mix.”

Oh no. Oh please no. How many years of this shitty bullpen is Rickey going to have to endure? Look, there are many things in which Pedro Feliciano and Scott Schoeneweis might be considered “part of the mix.” In no particular order, they are:

1) Arguments against players' rights to unionize
2) Rickey’s rotation of night terrors
3) The cast of village ruffians at a colonial theme park
4) The ever widening list of items that compel Rickey to drink

But please, not another season with these bums, Rickey can’t stomach it. And as for the Yanks’ relentless pursuit of C.C. Sabathia… well we imagine that the Mets are already completely out of contention for nabbing him. Sources deep inside the Mets clubhouse inform us that Omar Minaya’s interest in him quickly disappeared upon being informed that he is neither Dominican nor 85 years old.

Honestly, we’re just a few scant months away from Dr. Walter Bishop from “Fringe” taking over as GM of the Mets… And yes, it would be an upgrade.

[posted at Humor Blogs]