Friday, September 12, 2008

Your Weekly Political Diatribe: In Which Rickey Gets Pedantic

You know who doesn’t give a flying fuck about your wonderfully nuanced political beliefs? Rickey, that’s who. Friends, there is an alarming tendency in the blogosphere to assume the role of Monday Morning Media Meathead and talk about politics through the prism of whether a news story is helpful or detrimental to a candidate’s campaign. You know these people, they tend to say things like "golly, I thought Obama had the breadbasket locked down, but this recent Matt Drudge story about him wrestling a rooster while wearing an American flag diaper really puts Pennsylvania into play." Too often, bloggers will avoid actually judging the validity of a story and instead focus on which candidate’s presidential aspirations a news story best aids. Rickey gets it: you too want to be featured on MSNBC blathering about how campaign ads approved by a pig wearing Groucho Marx glasses bolster the McCain campaign. You are without a doubt, a beautiful and unique snowflake with deep insights into the complexities of the modern political arena.

And you could almost get away with it, except for the fact that it is becoming increasingly difficult for any self respecting individual to speak in a calm and rational manner about the 2008 Presidential race. We don’t know about you, but we’re finding it somewhat challenging to have an intelligent conversation about a political campaign that features loathsome hypocrisy, outright slander, and commercials with scary wolves. So Rickey urges you to give the media role playing shtick a break and just pick a goddamned side already. We know, you’re just dying to sit down with your friend, family member, or loved one, and have a long in depth debate on each candidates’ stances on the major issues. You’ll spend a stimulating evening drawing up comparison charts, going over each candidate's votes in the Senate, and sifting through their speeches. You’ll learn something about yourselves and each other. And under normal circumstances, all this would be fine and dandy, if only one candidate wasn’t a batshit crazy old man who’s hellbent on killing us all.

Now we get it: you’re hesitant to pick a side because you want to appear to be well informed and you’re scared of contributing to the ever widening culture war in the U.S., but seriously now, what precisely is the major holdup here? Can the battle lines be any clearer? Because if you think things are bad now, woo boy, just you wait and see. Rickey can at least somewhat understand the mentality of the GOP base—they’re a pack of masochists who have been duped into voting against their best interests, year after year. But these undecided voters, who in the hell are these people? How much more analysis does one need to do before picking a candidate? Do these people have some sort of underground crime lab that they retreat to each evening to ponder each day’s political developments? Enough with the over thinking already, how much more do you need to know about a presidential ticket featuring a reckless lunatic and a zealot with a sickly sweet smile? So man up and just accept the fact that the decision has already been made for you, because if nothing else, Rickey is profoundly anti-intellectual in his opposition to a political party that itself is profoundly anti-intellectual. We urge you to think likewise.

[Vote for Rickey's post at Humor Blogs]

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5 comments:

Alex L said...

I'm so sick of all the coverage of this election, can't they just hold it early and get it over and done with.

Deb said...

Shameless plug: visit my blog today for the Friday Go F Yourself Award, jointly bestowed upon The New York Yankees and Sarah Palin.

Smitty said...

If someone is still undecided, they are brain-dead and I don't want them in my party.

Deb: Nice post. I like that award, a lot.

Deb said...

Thanks, Smitty. Hoist a brew for me tonight, willya?

John Peterson said...

Best political ad ever.

Great post, btw.